It has been quite some time since I last posted here. Perhaps four and a half years, maybe less than that... I thought I had "gotten past" it, or that, once again, I could hide it. Bury it. I went through yet another purge before I moved from Phoenix to Los Angeles....
About five years ago, I tried HRT for a month. I kept it hidden from my ex-girlfriend and set myself up to fail completely by doing so. After the month was up, I decided I needed to get space and really try it "for real"... after a few months of realizing and seeing my indecision/codependency within the relationship, I finally broke up with her and pursued HRT again, a few months later.
The experience was eye-opening in a lot of ways, most of which I thought, at first, that were because I had considered, pondered, analyzed, thought about and teased the details of doing HRT for my entire adult life and there I was, at a tender age of 27, finally going for it. It had been, as most of you know already I am sure, agonizingly central to my psyche since I was very young. Where my friends and family had taken their gender for granted, I hide about it for most of my life, and was extremely fearful of it, not to mention the reactions of others if they ever found out.
That fear kept me in the closet for a long time... I went through purges every few years, consoled myself that it wasnt normal and therefore I had to hide it, from everyone. Every therapist appointment, I wanted to bring it up, but was afraid and didnt know what to say. All of these fears were left in the lurch as I took my first "real" dose of HRT, and the second and fifteenth and so on. The first month went by and I felt only the placebo effect, which I was truly happy about either way.
At the onset of the second month, I noticed things happening, mostly psychological and nearly every single one was incredibly positive. I had a lighter, happier mood, I could concentrate longer. There were a few weeks there where I was confident and easy to get along with people I would otherwise avoid.
Then the colors. Oh the colors. This may have been all in my head, but every single day I started seeing the sky, and the clouds that hung up in it. I saw the deep hues of the stars contrasting with the palm trees near my office. Whether it was in my head or not is irrelevant, as it pretty much encapsulated how I felt about this adventure.
At some point in the fourth month, I enjoyed substantial chest growth, combined with the fear of being found out. This was abnormal and sick behavior, after all!
I hit my nipples on everything, it seemed, and the strange urge to cry at any moment only grew. I loved every minute of it...
In the sxth month, I had become very depressed, started getting angrier at myself for no reason at all and one day, my boss said some very borderline comments under his breath. He noticed the red marks from electrolysis, the complexion changing and my hair changed shapes and sizes. His comment was, though, about my breasts and the sports bra I was wearing underneath my clothes to protect and hide them. Once again the fear came rushing in. I had come out to my family and close friends, i was trying relaly hard to live only one life instead of splitting it, but eventually it broke.
I started smoking massive amounts of pot just to fall asleep, sometimes I went the Bottle route, which soon became the hard liquor route. I wasnt sleeping, i wasn't eating very much and finally, I blamed it on the HRT and more specifically, my decision to start it...
So I stopped, cold turkey. I stopped the electro, too, due to financial concerns and eventually slumped back into crossdressing as a last consoling activity.
Its coming to a head again. I have since figured out that I dont want surgery, though. It terrified me before, but now its also somewhat of a moral issue. In addition, as I am now 32 and getting older has gotten me closer to a family experience, i have decided to freeze sperm, if there are any swimmers left that are viable.
My girlfriend of 3 months now is supportive, but I fear she will abandon ship sometime in the future. Its not on purpose, its just a fear I keep running into. Being left alone again, more or less. Either way, I know I need to figure out my next move.
Part of me and definitely my girlfriend "knows" that it is inevitable that I pursue it again, some form of chemical or physical transition. The dressing isnt enough most days, but I really wish it were....
Im not sure I can even take HRT again without posing significantly increased danger to my health.
I don't really know what Im going to do.
