Hi everyone, It's my Birthday!!!

[Jenny0713]

Jenny had quite an adventure today. I will say some of it was great others ok at best. I had ordered some shoes online but they were too big so I decided to go to the store today as Jenny to exchange them. The store was downtown so I drove there, parked and went up to the store. This location is an outside mall with underground parking. The experience at Long Tall Sally was great. The people there were really nice. I got my shoes exchanged and I tried on some dresses while I was there. I wanted to do this to determine what dress size I am. Turns out I am a 16. I was expecting around 20 so I was pleased. I bought a nice dress in my size. Looking forward to wearing it. Oh, the sales clerk mid-gendered me initially but I politely corrected him. From there on I was her and she as requested. That went well so I decided I wasn't done yet. I decided to go to Catherine's. It's a plus size store. I had gone there early on when I was still in the hotel to buy a bra and they were really nice. Back then, I was in male mode when at the store. They were pleased to see me again and this time in Jenny mode. I purchased a couple of new bras that I wanted as well as a new outfit. Everything was 40% off so it was a pretty good deal in the end. When I was finished there I still didn't feel I was done yet so I decided to go to the local mall to a store I was told that had inexpensive jewelry and such. I purchased a few items there as well. I can't say this visit was as good as the previous one. I felt quite self conscious of being Jenny and I got some looks but for the most part if was ok. I needed to go to the grocery store so I decided "why not?"  I went to Walmart to get my groceries. Lots more looks there and felt pretty uncomfortable. Even the cashier was petty rude. She barely even acknowledged me while she was checking out my items for purchase. I don't think I will do that again for a while. Just wanted to tell you about my day.

Jenny.


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[Jenny0713]

Oh, I forgot to mention that at Catherine's I was a size 0 since my dress size was 16. Thought that was pretty cool too. They obviously don't sell many size 0 items there so the selection was limited but with the help of the sales lady I put together a pretty good outfit.


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[Tasha_]

It seems like it always feels better when we start out, and it gets more uncomfortable as the day goes on.... o am sorry you had such a bad time at Wally-World.... I would hope it's just because of the cashiers at Walmart suck, I have a hard time with them all the time, Tasha or not... but that is very cool you want out for so long.... it is really hard to do!!!

[Jenny0713]

I have to admit that I a a bit depressed right now. Today was good but overall it shows I won't be accepted or recognized as a woman. Even if I start on HRT at my age I question how much it will make me look more feminine. It's hard to keep faith and makes me wonder why I am doing this.


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[Tasha_]

I have been feeling like that a bit too lately, then add the logistics of surviving after the transition,  and it honestly feels hopeless at times. My wife is trying really hard to make me feel better about it, but I'm still feeling pretty fatalistic about the whole thing. It doesn't help that I have been feeling depressed for no goddamned reason at all... but we gotta just live and let ourselves work it out as we go. Too hard to plan unless you are in a special position.... try to stay hopeful Jenny...

[Jenny0713]

Thanks Tasha. We all have our days. I was pretty up for quite a while and now I feel like I have hit a brick wall and I'm falling down it. It just sucks. Why can't it be easy to be happy?


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[Tasha_]

Because easy happiness is for lazy people.... honestly... and the ignorant. Since we are neither, we have to work hard for every-damn-thing.

[Jenny0713]

I guess so. I feel like I have taken the hard road all my life. I don't understand why I want to be a woman. I just do. I have never been normal all my life. I have always been the one that had difficulties with everything. I never fit in. I was always the one that was picked on. I feel like I destroy my happiness every time I have it. I was married for 21 years and now that is over because I decided to wear women's clothing. However I guess that is not the only reason my marriage ended. I have been happier since I left and being on my own has been good for me. I just hope that when I start my journey of transition my ugly male appearance goes away. I don't like it when I see my male self in the mirror but can't help but smile when I see Jenny there in all her glory. She is beautiful. I just hope I can convince others that she is. Maybe I will become a hermit and stay inside all the time.  Can't do that either. Gotta work and have to buy groceries to eat. So eventually the world is just going to have to live with Jenny because she is going to win this battle.

I am rambling. Sorry. Just lots of random thoughts pouring out. I am a bit angry at life as well as depressed. Man. This just hit me hard. I hate feeling like this. Thanks for listening.


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[Tasha_]

Of course... I know what you mean. I feel beautiful as Tasha, but I still see Taj in some of her...my... pictures. Mostly in either the face or neck, sometimes it's the lack of hips. But it is very discouraging at times. I did go to three of my wife's doctors appointments as Tasha and first thing in the morning I went in to get drinks. The cashier called me sir twice. I almost got discouraged and stressed out, but that day was all about her so I couldn't let it get to me. I pushed on. The day was not bad after that but I did feel like everybody knew. By the end of it I figured ->-bleeped-<- it if they know... I should not feel insecure about being a transgender woman. I should be proud to be a woman. So, it was the day after that when I started  feeling depressed, which in turn tells me that it doesn't have much to do with this transition, just life.

I get the whole angry at life thing... I am a little angry at life, but more angry at myself for trying so hard to repress and hide this that I locked myself into a box that is going to be hard to get out of. I think the worst part is building a career that pays so well, and now if I am for ed to change careers, my family will lose our way of life and stability that I have built with a lie.

My turn to ramble.... lol.... we will get over this.... sooner or later!!

[Rachel_Christina]

Oh Jenny I don't think you should worry about cashiers, they are nearlly always butheads anyway, couldn't be arsed with their jobs, so they take it out on everyone else,
I have one guy in LIDL here in Switzerland, that is so nice, always happy to see you, always talking, thats someone who love his job and works hard at it, no matter what it is!
My mother left the country yesterday, I never talked to her about it, I think she may know I wanted to though, I find it mad to think I told her once before!
She so doesn't wantto deal with it, but I have to

[Jenny0713]

Thanks Christine.  I guess I am just PMS'ing today... 

Just a little down right now but it will get better.  I have group on Tuesday.  Those sessions always help too.  I really appreciate all your support.  I was as high as a kite yesterday and today I barely can get off the ground.  Bed time.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

[Rachel_Christina]

I too get that feeling Tasha, the regret of trying so hard to be the best example of a man!
All that crap working so hard to repress our true selves!
I wouldn't mind but I had told my mother once, back when I was about 20, I could have started then,...
I could have started earlyer if I just stopped with the facade...
Well I start in a month now at 26, I just hope I have some decent changes with HRT.
I lucked out my hair is all still mint, and thick!
We just have to sit back and be patient, waiting for these hormones has been long and drolled out already, and I wasn't even waiting to long!
Have you guys made any headway for HRT?

[Jenny0713]

Oh Christine, you will transition wonderfully at 26. My concern is how much change I will see at 52.


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[Tasha_]

Not quite. I am getting ready to get into counseling to figure out how to proceed, then I need to weight the pros/cons with my wife and decide if it is something we want/I need. Then, I have to figure out how to balance my financial situation and transitioning. Soooo, thus is going to be one hell of a journey. And being 36 this year, I really have built a freaking box, more like a safe. So ya.... not for a bit yet at least.

[Tasha_]

I hear you Jenny. I don't know what to expect even. I already feel like I look older as a woman than a man, and that my friends, is frustrating!!! It is time for me to chill out for the night, thanks for listening and being here. I hope you feel better Jenny, and thanks Christine, sorry about your mom... if I remember I'll tell you about mine... they sure can be frustrating Huh? Talk to you tomorrow ladies!!!

[Jenny0713]

Not sure when I will start HRT. It might be a few months at least. We will see. Night.


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[SarahElizabeth1981]

hi girls,
its too bad we don't live in a kinder more understanding world.. it's nice you got to do so much as jenny, jenny. getting mis-gendered is really annoying. i'm understanding especially with my male voice but it still bothers me. just makes me look forward that much more to voice therapy and hormones.

I'm sorry to make you worry christine. After letting it sink in and thinking rationally about it I'm sure people only get denied HRT for good medical reasons. I know if you are a smoker it's a no go. Luckily I'm not a smoker and never have been. It's a disgusting expensive habit. My appointment is next week so exciting.

I'm no expert but I'm pretty sure the changes from HRT don't discriminate based on age. barring any major masculine bone features, which You don't look like you have, i think you will look even better after hormones.

i hope you all have a great day

[Rebecca]

Great that you had fun as Jenny even if it crumbled later. As Christine points out the cashier could have been just a negative anyone else. Can only focus on the good. Pick yourself back up and decide next time will be better. As woman we are more vulnerable as more attention is focused towards us. Born women have a lifetime to learn how to handle this added pressure but to go from ghost to visible is a lot to take. How many young girls cry themselves to sleep over what others would consider trivial events?

Tasha I do feel bad for you with regards to work but remain jealous as heck over your wife. Hold her close and forget everything else for a bit it sounds like you need it. Jobs etc although important for stuff can always be lost for other reasons. How would you have survived if were badly injured and no longer able to do your job?

Christine can defo feel the pain of "If only...". Just hope there is at least one thing in your life gained over the past 6 years to make it seem a bit less like a loss. At 26 though you should still be in a very good position for results and your hair sounds great.

Apart from being 38 things are going well with the sole exception of my wife's struggles at times. I ask what is the point of finally being alive if if costs me the person I love most of all. Even more than I love me so I gave her the choice to decide my future..... she hasn't killed me (by getting me to stop) yet so that's a start.

We all have our areas to struggle through but as they say nothing worth doing is ever easy.

On bluer days it's nice to remember the line from The Crow "Can't rain all the time"

Cheesey but hang in there

[Tasha_]

My is always worried about me getting permanently injured, but as I can't afford to do anything fun anymore (snowboarding, dirt biking), and can't find time or places to skateboard, serious injury is waaay less likely than it used to be.

Trust me, I know what I have in my wife and will (do) treat her accordingly.

I just feel like if I have a choice in making lots of little money, I have to choose money for now... I have to keep my family stable for as long as possible. My daughter is having a hard time in life right now and has been for a few years, so stability is of utmost importance...

[Rebecca]

Yeah the money thing is understandable. Still must be nice to have enough money to indulge Tasha to help make up for it. Every cloud and all that.

Heck for the right amount of money I could crossdress as a guy at least for a while

The looking after the family part is inarguable and of course would do the same while working on a plan B.