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[Goines]

Ok, so to start off, I know I'm not Trans. But at the same time. Well, I have suffered from Depression about half of my life. Back around the time it started I used to have thoughts that I was gay, which at the same time, I knew I wasn't. In the end though, after I got on these new SSRI's it stopped.

Now though, about a year ago, I had to stop taking those particular meds, and started going through several others. Now, for years on forums and in games, I role play, or play as female. I, well, I like lesbians, I mean for one thing it's hot, for a more important thing, female characters are always the most interesting. And if I don't have to romance a guy in whatever video game.

I'm actually a writer and have started up several, sci fi, fantasy, and horror series where the main characters are lesbians. I got the idea to start them about a year ago when I got tired of every month seeing like 50 different upcoming book lists for M/M, featuring every genre, and then 1 little F/F list with basically nothing but crime, and slice of life. So I kinda wanna fix that already.

Anyway, back to my point, the people on the site who I role played with knew I was actually a guy, but one day, I was already depressed, the current SSRI I was on was crap, and then this one friend, who I had always been so close to, started saying all this horrid stuff about me, including things I'd told her in confidence, and also that with how much better I am at role playing female characters that she knows what I am.

Well needless to say I was completely devastated by her betrayal, I was pretty much numb the rest of the night, and during that time I started thinking to myself that maybe it upset me so much was because I was trans and to hear how she said it made things all the more worse.

Anyway, I'm not going to fill in everything that happened the past seven months sense, only that, at first I did some research, y'know, and eventually the thought that I was trans seemed like a sure thing, but the thing is, the whole time I was getting more and more depressed about the whole thing, and then one day my depression just broke and I was all of a sudden sure that I wasn't trans.

Anyway, it's gone on like this ever since, when my meds actually work fully I know I'm not. But whenever the depression starts to creep back in, at the back of my mind I start to question myself, and it gets worse the more depressed I get.

So, I just wanted to get someones opinion on whether they think this is just my depression like last time or.

Cause I don't want to in my depression tell people I am. I mean for one thing that would just be an insult to people who actually are trans, and my depressed minds just trying to make me think I might be, this and being gay are not even the only times my mind has done this, though none of the other times were anything to do with my sexual or gender identity, so really not worth mentioning.

And secondly, if I did tell people, and in the end just like when I thought I was gay I turn out to be wrong, that's just as bad, like people will think I was just trying to gain attention and it's an even bigger insult when I seriously don't mean it to be.

So yeah, going by the evidence I'm correct in assuming it's just from the depression?

[Newfie]

So basically, you're depressed and think you might be trans when you're off your depression meds and when you're on your depression meds you're not depressed and feel comfortable as the gender designated at birth? Is there any other reason that you feel you might be trans other than your preferred game character's gender? I mean, you must see that playing female characters is not really a compelling argument for being trans, but you still feel that it's a possibility, right?

Two possibilities that I see: SSRIs are covering up depression stemming from unrecognized gender dysphoria, or you're cis and one of the things you happen to think about when you're depressed is that you might be trans. You might want to try transitioning part of the way and see if that helps with the depression, which seems like it would be a pretty good indicator the depression might partially stem from gender dysphoria. Maybe order a skirt and blouse online, try wearing it around the house and seeing if you feel comfortable more comfortable.

More importantly, if you're seeing a therapist you should definitely bring this up with them. Don't go quitting your meds over something someone on the internet says - I'm not a psychologist, nor am I familiar with your situation.

The whole liking lesbians thing is pretty irrelevant, as is whether or not you're gay.

[Ms Grace]

Hi, welcome to the forum. We can't really give you any guidance on whether you may or may not be trans. You really need to sort that out in very frank discussions with a therapist.

[Dena]

If you really want to sort this out, I think you need a gender therapist. Depression as the result of being uncomfortable with our body or our life is a common symptom of being transgender. The complicating factor denial can be very strong and block out everything we feel other than the depression. Because of this, you need to get to the cause of the depression and being transgender is only one of many possible causes. Depression can be biological or socially caused and needs far more discussion than this to diagnose it.

[Laura_7]

Lets have a look at this logically .

Does having depression make people trans ? No.

Thinking about being transgender could be a sign in itself. Usually cis people do not question their gender. They may have some curiousity but that is something different.

Imagine a child growing up. They may have some weak sense for who they are. Then someone comes along and tells them to behave like a boy (or a girl with ftm people). So the child may unconsciously try to adapt and look for feelings of being a boy inside.

So phases of repression, maybe also with feeling depressed, and breakthroughs might be thinkable.

Here are a few ressources that might help:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,208438.msg1847638.html#msg1847638

There are studies showing there is a biological connection to being trans.

So its nothing to be ashamed of and nothing needing to be suppressed. Its just a way people are.
This knowledge might give you the space to simply look at what you feel inside, without judgement.

You might think about what really gives you a feeling of joy.
Maybe having a body a bit more female would bring you joy ...

you might think this through and explore with easy reversible changes to hair and clothing style ...
maybe growing hair out, and trying some trousers and sweaters for women ...
second hand stores could be a good source ...

And you might look for an experienced gender therapist to help through this.
If its connected with depressions it might be covered.
There are also online therapists, there are threads on that.

Otherwise talking about gender issues with a present therapist might be a start. They may not be knowledgable and it may be possible they refer to a gender therapist. 

hugs 

[Jacqueline]

Hi,

Welcome to the site.

Great puzzle(question to start with). I am with everyone else that has answered. You need to talk to a therapist about this. Most people on this site can give really good ideas and suggestions but no one is authorized to diagnose anyone. I believe we have some doctors and some therapists that are members; however, this site is not set up for diagnosis. We support, encourage, bolster and try to be positive to everyone.

I am someone who did not come to terms with this till I hit 50. I didn't even think it could be a possibility. I had some experiences that might point to this as a child but to be honest, I could not remember much. No trauma or abuse, just weird memory. I even signed up for this site two years before becoming active and did not remember doing it. I was depressed most of my life but just thought that was how everyone felt. There are other members stories that are even less typical (as far as stereo typical history). So, maybe you are, maybe you aren't. This is something you and a therapist have to work through. Even if it ends up being no, it will be worth the effort.

I also wanted to share some links we usually pass along to newly posting members. Mostly welcome stuff but also the rules that govern the site. If you have not looked at them, please take a moment to read through them:

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Once again, welcome to Susan's. I hope you find what you are looking for.

With warmth,

Joanna