When I came out to everybody about a year ago, I had overwhelming support. I had the side of my family that isn't a bunch of religious fanatics and a tentative on my father. Last month I learned my father would never accept me, but the rest of the family was okay. Today I went to a family wedding, at the very adamant request of the bride, knowing that my father would be there. I posted about that wedding here wondering what to do because I told her there would be a scene and she insisted that she's okay with it and she wanted me there.
There was alcohol there, and he's a violent alcoholic, so the plan was to just show up for the ceremony, go to the reception long enough to watch the dances, grab a bite, and leave about a half hour later. I got past the ceremony and into sort of a holding area with two open bars. After about 10 minutes he spotted me and I've never seen him so pissed off in all my life. My family had to hold him back. He was a very physically and emotionally abusive father, and today was the first time I saw him that angry. I thought he could hold it together for his niece's wedding, but it was very clear from his behavior, without any alcohol yet, that not only was I in danger being there, but he was going to cause a scene. To describe the fear I already have of him, I'd be less scared of being stuck in the middle of a shooter situation than I am of him because I know what he's capable of and seeing that reaction today, put the fear of god into me. How messed up is it that the person in this world I'm most terrified of, is my own father.
So I left, with my wife and kids upset about us leaving. During the ride home I was doing everything I could to keep my mind off of the fact that, that moment was probably the last time I'll ever see that side of my family again. He never misses a family event and that's the only time I get to see anybody. I lasted about 40 minutes on the ride home of holding back the tears, but I couldn't do it. I broke down in uncontrollable tears and for the first time since I met my wife, my step-kids saw me crying and unable to stop.
Last month when I found out he wouldn't accept me, I wondered what I was do if he were in the hospital or worse. I came to the conclusion that I would be the better person and still show up, but after today, I'm fairly certain that I would not show up. I've worked hard to keep hatred out of my heart, despite the amount that he has. I've worked to convey how much I disliked him, while saying I loved him because he's my father, avoiding that word hate. Right now I feel like hate really is the best word to describe how I feel about him. And the worst part, is out of that entire side of the family, the bride is the only one that knows how much of an ->-bleeped-<- he's been my whole life. I hoped I'd never see him again. I hadn't planned on losing the family too.
