jealous of my mom.

[bonetheif]

uhg i feel absolutly awful about this but my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer a while back and after her next round of chemo she will be getting a double mastectomy. is it wrong that i feel slightly jealous? a lot of my dysphoria is due to my chest. but feeling jealous of my mom getting a mastectomy is rediculous! she has cancer. does this make me a bad person?   

[Dena]

We sometimes have emotions we can't controls. An example would be getting mad when you know you shouldn't or happy when something bad happens to somebody who has it coming. As you feel awful about what is happening to your mother and I am sure you are doing everything you can to help her, that doesn't make you a bad person.

A secondary thought is it possible the cancer your mother has was caused by a genetic flaw. It can be passed on to children. If your mother has the flaw, you should be tested for it and your surgeon should be made aware of it as you will require a different form of the surgery to avoid cancer.

[bonetheif]

by surgery do you mean top surgery?

[Dena]

That's correct. Women who carry the gene often have their breast removed before the cancer strikes in order to eliminate the risk of that form of cancer. They tend to get implants to replace the breast and return their body to it's original state. In your case, you would just desire the standard top surgery and not do the reconstruction. It also means that all of the breast tissue would need to be removed which might make you a bit flatter than the standard surgery.

[MisterQueer]

Please don't beat yourself up over it. You can't choose your emotions. You're not a bad person.

[bonetheif]

That's correct. Women who carry the gene often have their breast removed before the cancer strikes in order to eliminate the risk of that form of cancer. They tend to get implants to replace the breast and return their body to it's original state. In your case, you would just desire the standard top surgery and not do the reconstruction. It also means that all of the breast tissue would need to be removed which might make you a bit flatter than the standard surgery.

ohhh that makes sense!

[bonetheif]

Please don't beat yourself up over it. You can't choose your emotions. You're not a bad person.

i realize this. its just kinda hard :/

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I've been there, it hurts.

Like the others said, b/c your mother has this insurance might have covered BRCA testing (which is pricey) for her and if she has the gene, you can get tested and if you have it, insurance will likely be amenable to covering a preventative mastectomy (like Angelina Jolie got).

[FTMax]

That's correct. Women who carry the gene often have their breast removed before the cancer strikes in order to eliminate the risk of that form of cancer. They tend to get implants to replace the breast and return their body to it's original state. In your case, you would just desire the standard top surgery and not do the reconstruction. It also means that all of the breast tissue would need to be removed which might make you a bit flatter than the standard surgery.

Most top surgeons are already removing all of the breast tissue. All 3 surgeons I consulted with said their procedures eliminated 99% of the risk of breast cancer.

[AlexW]

I've been in the same place about ten years ago. Thankfully, my mom is okay and I got over the feelings of jealousy. I also felt like a bad person over it, but we can't control our feelings, just how we respond to them. 

[FTMDiaries]

I've been there too. It's difficult, but you're not a bad person for feeling this way. Just because your mother has a serious problem, that doesn't make your own problems any less difficult to bear. You're only human.

It might help you to know that the operation you're hoping to get is not a mastectomy - what you're looking for is chest reconstruction, which has some similarities to a mastectomy but is definitely not the same thing. Your mother is having an entirely different operation to the one you want, and the results will not look the same at all.

I hate to tell you this, but a mastectomy can be destructive and disfiguring but she needs to have it in an attempt to save her life. The operation you want is a beautiful, self-affirming operation that will improve your quality of life as well as your appearance. Two different ops, two very different outcomes.

My mother told me through tears that her mastectomies made her feel invalidated as a woman: she felt her femininity had been damaged & undermined by the loss of that particular feature of her body. I found that surprising and it was a completely alien concept to me, but I could see how much it hurt her so I just tried to console her. I never told her how I felt about it because that would've been a slap in the face for her.

Sorry your mum's unwell. I hope she recovers soon.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I want to point out here, after doing some research on my own on preventative mastectomies and reconstructive surgeries, that not all cis women have the same relationship to their boobs. Some women have feelings up to and including dysphoria at losing their breasts, some get very depressed, some can't bear to have one intact breast and one missing, but some women feel rather separated from their boobs and decide they don't need to get reconstructive surgery or even bother to wear prosthetics. Some even embrace their scars. Also, there are women who don't get reconstruction because they are poor candidates because of the tissue damage from fighting cancer, even though they would really want their breast shape back. All good things to keep in mind.