Leelah Alcorn : When would it have gotten better?

[JMJW]

A year on since that tragedy I've been thinking about what the late teenager could have done instead. She said in her suicide note that for her life doesn't get better. being completely realistic with no idealism I'd like to know what she could have reasonably done given her pretty sheltered religious upbringing, the fact that her parents cut her off from friends, internet, I think phone too, would have kicked her out if she even began a transition, and the fact that she had no money to speak of.

The only thing I can think of is stay in the male role, until she could get a good job and medical insurance, then finally many years down the line, start transitioning. But would have to start over in a different community. How she could have gone about accomplishing that though, I have no idea. i'm not from America so I don't know the system. Maybe someone who knows better could outline a better plan of action.

[suzifrommd]

A year on since that tragedy I've been thinking about what the late teenager could have done instead. She said in her suicide note that for her life doesn't get better. being completely realistic with no idealism I'd like to know what she could have reasonably done given her pretty sheltered religious upbringing, the fact that her parents cut her off from friends, internet, I think phone too, would have kicked her out if she even began a transition, and the fact that she had no money to speak of.

I wish she could have held out until she was emancipated from her parents. She's bright, articulate, and perceptive. She could have had any number of brilliant careers as the woman she always knew she could be.

The problem is that her parents cut her off from the online world and it was hard for her to see the direction in which hope lay.

[Asche]

For the record, she was not cut off from social media at the time of her suicide.  (As evidenced by the fact that we only know of what she went through because of her on-line presence and especially the on-line suicide note.)

There was a 5-month period when she was completely isolated, including being homeschooled.  She was subjected to "conversion therapy" and "Christian therapy."  She was constantly put down for being the way she was.  Moreover, being the way she was was constantly presented to her as being contrary to God's law, a God she believed in.  I don't think that the people who criticize her for killing herself appreciate what that kind of treatment from those who are such an important part of you does to you.

It would have only gotten better if/when she could get away from her family and her conservative Christian culture.  Keep in mind, it is not enough to be 18 years old (the age at which US law considers you an adult.)  Very, very few 18-year-olds have the resources to survive without financial help, which almost always has to come from family.

It's possible that if she could have made it to college age, and if her parents let her go to college (i.e., paid for it), and if they didn't require her to go to some right-wing Christian college which would gender-police her, then she might have been able to catch her breath.

It seems more likely that she would have had the freedom to be herself once she finished college and got a job (age 22+)  Some conservative Christian groups keep their children and young adults isolated and uneducated enough that they remain dependent upon family and church for their whole lives, but I don't get the impression that her family was quite that extreme.  However, this assumes that her family would have been willing to support her going to college or getting a job that would pay enough to make her independent of them.

[Deborah]

Moreover, being the way she was was constantly presented to her as being contrary to God's law, a God she believed in.  I don't think that the people who criticize her for killing herself appreciate what that kind of treatment from those who are such an important part of you does to you.

Just to put this in context, my first emotion when I originally read about her was sadness.  My second emotion which followed very quickly was jealousy that she had the courage that I did not have to end this.

My complete deconversion and abandonment of Christianity and the intense hostility I feel towards it followed shortly thereafter.



Sapere Aude

[RobynD]

This was a sad but necessary reminder. Other than what Asche said, the importance of getting people away from that culture and then the support needed after they are away is a big deal. I have no idea how people without support can do it. I can't imagine what is going through her parent's minds these days, that is sad too.

The good that came from this horribleness is that the loss of this young lady has driven the call for bans on conversion therapy. At least two cities and possibly more have passed local laws against it.

[Asche]

... My second emotion which followed very quickly was jealousy that she had the courage that I did not have to end this.

That was how I felt back when I was 10 and 11 and, to a lesser extent, for several years after that.  Well, not exactly jealous, I just felt that it was further proof of how worthless and defective I was that I didn't have the guts to go through with it.

I wasn't saying I was gay or trans back then, even to myself, though people called me 'queer' on a daily basis, so I have a feeling they suspected I was.  I was just 'wrong' in every possible way and everyone made sure I couldn't forget it.

By the time I was Leelah's age, I'd learned not to feel.  Also, around that age is when my benighted town started to become aware of the counterculture, and being called a 'freak' was no longer purely an insult.

[Asche]

... the importance of getting people away from that culture and then the support needed after they are away is a big deal. ....

Actually, they say that having even one person who sees and accepts you for who you are can make a huge difference.  That's why her parents' isolating her from any form of support did so much damage.

When I see/hear parents putting their children down, which I do far too often, I want to tell them (no, scream at them): do you know how much damage that does?  Putting them down doesn't make them better people or even better behaved, but the scars (on the inside) last a lifetime.  It's like taking a machete to their soul.

[CarlyMcx]

Warning:  Long post.

The sad part is, even if you escape that "Christian" culture, you still carry the bogey man around with you in the back of your head.  My grandfather and namesake was a Methodist minister from Arkansas, and he was very much a hellfire and brimstone kind of guy.  He was not a big part of my life, my dad being the second youngest of five children.  But my dad --

Dad spent his whole life living as if he were performing in front of an imaginary audience.  And as a child, he was -- his father's congregation.   So dad filled my head with fear, shame and guilt over any little thing I did that didn't "look right."  Dad was bad guy, but he was not a loud, confrontational typical bully.  He was more of a creepy, smarmy frenemy, who thrived on getting me to doubt myself and then telling me what to do.

Dad never knew I was trans, but he knew I was effeminate, and he was constantly an intrusive presence in my love life, ever since I was fourteen.

I tried to transition three prior times, once in college in 1982, once after finishing law school in 1989, and once at the end of my first marriage in 1999.  Each time, fear stopped me.  Fear of leaving college and getting a job to support transition dreams, fear of losing my law license, fear of losing custody of my son.

After a stroke silenced my dad for good in 2009, I ran on like a wind up toy for another five years, having screaming matches with my father inside my head.

It took me until I was 52 to get my father out of my head and gain the courage to be myself.

And all of this is the product of a uniquely American, and toxic form of Christianity.  My wife is from the Philippines, and the Catholic Church owns that place, but it is not like this over there.  An MTF transgender just got elected to Congress over there without controversy or fanfare.  There is currently a telenovela called "Destiny Rose" airing on TV over there portraying an MTF transgender as the heroine.  Their biggest movie star and TV talk show host is a gay genderqueer crossdresser named "Vice Ganda."  I could go on and on, but believe me, the way things are in the Philippines makes me ashamed to be an American.

[Phlox1]

Somehow I missed Leelah's death and all the controversy when it happened.  I went back an read in detail about it and feel so sorry that this sort of thing could happen.  It is so,so sad and unnecessary.

I believe it is wrong to blame Christianity however.  What we can blame is ignorance, and her parents believed all their ignorance to the extreme.

I belong to a very conservative church - Southern Baptist no less, and I am amazed by the ignorance I encounter there on the subject of gay and transgender people.  Other than that, I think they preach a pretty solid message.  When I hear something said that is wrong about the LGBT folks, I correct them.  It's usually like arguing with a ... well, I don't know what.  They are stubborn and most difficult to get to see things in the correct light.  But I keep trying and won't give up.  Onward Christian Soldiers...

[JenniferLopezgomez]

For the record, she was not cut off from social media at the time of her suicide.  (As evidenced by the fact that we only know of what she went through because of her on-line presence and especially the on-line suicide note.)

There was a 5-month period when she was completely isolated, including being homeschooled.  She was subjected to "conversion therapy" and "Christian therapy."  She was constantly put down for being the way she was.  Moreover, being the way she was was constantly presented to her as being contrary to God's law, a God she believed in.  I don't think that the people who criticize her for killing herself appreciate what that kind of treatment from those who are such an important part of you does to you.

It would have only gotten better if/when she could get away from her family and her conservative Christian culture.  Keep in mind, it is not enough to be 18 years old (the age at which US law considers you an adult.)  Very, very few 18-year-olds have the resources to survive without financial help, which almost always has to come from family.

It's possible that if she could have made it to college age, and if her parents let her go to college (i.e., paid for it), and if they didn't require her to go to some right-wing Christian college which would gender-police her, then she might have been able to catch her breath.

It seems more likely that she would have had the freedom to be herself once she finished college and got a job (age 22+)  Some conservative Christian groups keep their children and young adults isolated and uneducated enough that they remain dependent upon family and church ftor their whole lives, but I don't get the impression that her family was quite that extreme.  However, this assumes that her family would have been willing to support her going to college or getting a job that would pay enough to make her independent of them.

Asche this is a wonderful and spot-on correct analysis. +1 to your reputation. Particularly your comments about age 18 being insufficient for emancipation from bigoted family members for most young people in this situation due to lack of independent financial resources and other practical necessities such as practical ability to rent an apartment or flat that most people older than 30 take for granted. xx

[JenniferLopezgomez]

Criticism of those who consider suicide or actually do suicide is usually off-base. I have considered suicide for myself several times over the years. xx

Statistically about 42% of all trans women ACTUALLY ATTEMPT suicide one or more times during their lifetimes, most frequently pre-transition. After transition to womanhood this rate usually drops dramatically. Source: This statistic is well-documented in many studies and resources.

About 82% of all trans women seriously consider suicide one or more times during their lifetimes, again usually pre-transition to womanhood. Once transition is substantially underway or completed, this rate usually drops considerably.

I've never actually attempted suicide, but I have stood on the un-hand-rail guarded ledge of tall buildings various times and almost jumped. I have almost in front of trucks on some occasions but I haven;t done it. It is good I haven't done this yet as I still have some good things to enjoy in life. 

Bullying is a huge problem. Under the psychologial effects of severe bullying both in-person and online against me by both trans people and cis (non-trans) people, I almost jumped in front of a truck several times in September 2015. Most of this bullying against me by both trans people and cis people was based primarily on my physical appearance and manner of dressing as girly female -- which is totally deplorable on the part of these bullies since well before September 2015 I was living full-time as female 24 / 7 and the gender marker on my USA Passport is female and nearly all of these bullies against me well knew that yet persisted in bullying me. They almost succeeded at that time in getting me to do suicide. When I publicly announced at that time that I was about to do suicide several online supposed friends un-friended me which is rather disappointing because true friends stick with one during suicidal moments due to bullying about mostly physical appearance. Period. xx

[SarahElizabeth1981]

this is an example of what, for too many, is a very sad situation. trapped, alone and desperate for the pain to stop.

it's too bad there aren't more resources and more help for people in these situations. the one plus side of all the attention right now is it's getting people thinking about it and hearing about it. one day things like this will just be something we read about having happpened in the past.

[JenniferLopezgomez]

this is an example of what, for too many, is a very sad situation. trapped, alone and desperate for the pain to stop.

it's too bad there aren't more resources and more help for people in these situations. the one plus side of all the attention right now is it's getting people thinking about it and hearing about it. one day things like this will just be something we read about having happpened in the past.

YES