Thanks everyone for the replies!
What I am still not able to accept is how is possible that I remember not showing any impulse towards girly things?
Well... thinking deeply, I clearly remember that I tried at the nursery school to be with girls (age 3 to age 5), and what I got was nothing I think (I remember bad girls faces towards me). The first days of primary school I tried again to stay with girls, but what I got was to use boys' restrooms.
I was not that sad at home, but it's like I remember to be not happy at home either. I could feel the love of my mother (and guilt towards her if I did something wrong in general), but I could not stand my father (always nervous and with his problems - I feel I had only one specific space, and if it was not like he was expecting he was always ready to shout at me or turn really upset). Then my sister, with which I HAD to be a good brother.
So much pressure on me... is that the sufficient to bury all your feelings?
Some parents said to me that my grandma (living with us) used to give me and my sister some punishment (I can't remember, though).
I thought that these things brought to a PTSD (post-trauma stress disorder), and the fact that I started stuttering after the first day at the nursery school, the sadness, the distress, etc., seems to be in line with this hypothesis.
Maybe I am trying to find something/someone to blame, but it seems so strange to me that I buried my feelings so deep and with a lot (a lot!) of fear and guilt, and shame.
Moreover, I feel very frustrated and also... I feel a lot of social pressure from the outside world, even for the work I am going to take (to be an engineer is enough? should I be this... or that...? - I can't be simply a simple person).
I feel so angry, so squeezed, so sad.
The psico-therapy already helped me a lot: now I am living with much less shame and caring less about everything and everybody. Still I feel a lot of distress, sadness, shame, guilt.
Thanks for listening to me.
A big hug to everyone!
Iv.
