Thanks Black Winged Roses. Im definitely not perfect, and I guess throughout our relationship I felt a lot of insecurities/ questioned my partner a lot- I think this coming out, which pretty much went from just wanting to sometimes have fake boobs in private or wear underwear to wanting to completely change identities within 2 weeks really worsened my questioning and made me feel really lost. At the same time, I kept trying to accept my partner. I gave her so many things to help her and encourage her, but at the same time, it did feel bittersweet as you said. I cried a lot randomly.. I guess cause I was afraid at the same time of losing the person I love. What I wish my partner would have seen was how difficult this was for me and not used it as a time to expect me to keep trying to change things when there was so much to take in. I also think that the fact this was there our entire relationship caused a lot of my partners anxiety when I would question them about our future, because they had not shared this with me. I guess I just wish that since I realized I wanted to be with them unconditionally, that I was worth that too. Its really complicated. My partner says this has nothing to do with them transitioning, but in reality these feelings were in their head our entire relationship, and maybe fed some of their anger and annoyance with me. I wasn't and am far from perfect and I know my faults bothered them as well. It was just a really hurtful time to do all of this to me in combination with the coming out. The way my partner wouldn't even face me face to face and treated me like a terrible person after giving them over a week to "think" while only telling them how much I supported them during that time also has been heartbreaking for me. Nothing feels right about any of it, it's just hard for me to believe the person who shared so much even of all of this with me acts like they no longer love me and I am a stranger. I also hurt feeling so used and left after the extreme effort I put into helping them and teaching/giving/sharing so much female stuff with them. It's hard for me to imagine them using all of these things without feeling bad about what they've done to me.
I know what you mean about your fears and upsets. I still felt/feel those too. Ive never dated a woman and don't seek to date them, but in some weird way I wanted to still stay with her- or at least try with everything I am. Some of those feelings were what I was struggling with, and I think would still struggle some with because its almost like you're watching the person go away in front of your eyes, but at the same time feeling happy/loving towards them because this means so much to them. From what Ive read on here so many other women felt the same as us, and some had really negative reactions- it's nice that your partner is willing to understand your struggles. I wish I would have had that support as well. I think its helpful to read stuff on here and there are also some interesting blogs out there of people that stayed together when the partner transitioned.
Im trying to take care of myself even though it's pretty difficult right now. I miss my partner constantly and feel so left out of her life. I feel like everything we had wanted together has been forgotten. I really appreciate the support Ive found on here.
