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Problems with loving others pre transition?

Started by KarlMars, March 12, 2016, 09:16:40 PM

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KarlMars

I want to know if anyone else felt partially emotionally numb and unable to love others deeply (romantic or not) before they transitioned completely and started to feel like the right gender?

I believe that the fact that I find it hard to get emotionally close or attached to anyone is because I don't look the way I feel and it feels like others are loving me for who I look like and they perceive me to be than who I am inside. Looks have a lot more to do with how we are perceived by others than we would like to think. In other words my family and everyone I've known all my life sees me as a quiet girl and don't understand why I have so many problems. My family doesn't take my transexuality seriously and I don't think they will until I start hormones.

So no matter what stage you're at if you've felt this way please discuss.

Kylo

Yeah, in the past.

I didn't even consider being within three feet of another person or acting on any feelings of attraction until I was 26. I did get involved with someone at 21 who wanted to be involved with me but I knew I wasn't attracted to them and that was my own apathy and self-dissatisfaction talking at the time. Needless to say that was a mistake. A 6-year mistake.

Between day one and now a lot of people tried their luck but I always turned them down. Except with my current significant other whom I've been with for 10 years. Out of all the people I met he is the only one to have been able to exert some kind of gravity on me to the extent I was willing to ignore some of my own GD and experienced a bit of happiness in a relationship. But it also absolutely depended on me not being subject to gender dress/behavior expectations or pronouns, which with him I never have been. It allowed me to live in a kind of bubble where I never had to address my GD except in the bedroom, which I also somehow coped with pretty well for several years. It does help if you freakin' adore the person - in being able to ignore bodily GD - but never erases it completely and it raises its head once in a while.

In my case it was incredibly difficult to allow myself to interact that way with most other people because obviously I could never see myself as a girlfriend or even more crushingly, wife of somebody. And getting involved would probably mean being seen as one of those things.

In short I had huge problems loving people until I was 26 - and then after that I attempted to "accept" my condition a little more and some of the GD became easier to ignore while in a relationship. However since I'm here now and waiting for hormones it obviously didn't allow me to live a comfortable enough life within myself, nor is it really enough if you have somebody to love and they love you to distract you from deep issues with identity.

And you are right - how people see you is important to them. I know my s.o.'s physical appearance has a great deal to do with how protective and affectionate I can be towards him - not something I like to admit because I set a lot of store by a person's mental self over the value of appearances, but there's no point in hiding the fact it matters.

"If the freedom of speech is taken away, then dumb and silent we may be led, like sheep to the slaughter."
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Valwen

I am 34 and just started trying to date. Until I transitioned last June I couldn't bring myself to even start to believe that anyone could love me. Now I am slowly coming to accept that I can be with someone and it's not a bad thing.

Serena
What is a Lie when it's at home? Anyone?
Is it the depressed little voice inside? Whispering in my ear? Telling me to give up?
Well I'm not giving up. Not for that part of me that hates myself. That part wants me to wither and die. not for you. Never for you.  --Loki: Agent of Asgard

Started HRT Febuary 21st 2015
First Time Out As Myself June 8th 2015
Full Time June 24th 2015
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FTMax

I had problems with attachment and intimacy. I would probably have married my college girlfriend had I come out earlier and addressed a lot of the feelings I was having.

I think a big part of my issue was the fact that I was essentially hiding who I really was. I knew I was trans at 17, and from that point forward it was a big secret until I came out. People weren't shocked when I did finally come out, but in my mind it was my deepest darkest secret and I was sure that I would lose friends, family, and that people would think less of me for it. So I kept it buried for years, and it's tough to feel close to other people while withholding something so important about yourself. I knew that the version of me that my girlfriend loved was not actually me, and I was afraid that if she knew about the real me, that she wouldn't love me anymore. So I kept her at arms length and kept being trans a secret until I couldn't anymore. I'm using her as an example because she also applies to my intimacy issues, but what I've said above is relevant for everyone that was in my life at that time - family, friends, etc.

As far as intimacy, I pretty much loathed physical contact pre-transition. It ended a lot of relationships that I'm sure could've been great. In the above mentioned relationship, it was a huge issue. And it was worse because in hiding what my true issue with it was, she was led to assume that something far worse was causing me to withdraw. It was just a mess all around.

So in short - yes, most definitely. And in my case, it got immediately easier to connect and feel attached to people once I started socially transitioning and knew that people were on board.
T: 12/5/2014 | Top: 4/21/2015 | Hysto: 2/6/2016 | Meta: 3/21/2017

I don't come here anymore, so if you need to get in touch send an email: maxdoeswork AT protonmail.com
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kk

I am pre-everything and as far as anyone knows, a biological woman.  I have a girlfriend whom I do love, but I have a hard time expressing my feelings for her.  In the bedroom, just hanging out.  I feel numb and unable to act on my feelings.  I'm attracted to her emotionally and physically, but I just feel so weird and unable to act or react to her actions.  We only started getting physical recently, and this is part of what made me realize I might be trans ftm.

She's the first person I've tried dating (I am 23), and now I think part of the reason I never dated anyone is because I've always felt like a child, like I never grew up into the man I should be, and I don't know how to act in adult relationships.

I wish I could push pause on our relationship, transition, and then come back and start over.
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KarlMars

Quote from: T.K.G.W. on March 13, 2016, 08:31:20 AM


In my case it was incredibly difficult to allow myself to interact that way with most other people because obviously I could never see myself as a girlfriend or even more crushingly, wife of somebody. And getting involved would probably mean being seen as one of those things.

This is something I can really identify with. As for my image it's almost more important to me to be seen by others physically as how I see my inner male.


KarlMars

Quote from: Valwen on March 13, 2016, 04:40:45 PM
I am 34 and just started trying to date. Until I transitioned last June I couldn't bring myself to even start to believe that anyone could love me. Now I am slowly coming to accept that I can be with someone and it's not a bad thing.

Serena

People love me, it's just that they're loving me for who they expect me to be, not who I am inside.

jossam

I have a girlfriend who knows everything about me and sees me as a man, even if I'm pre T. She doesn't live where I live so we're not having physical contact now. Being open and honest was the best decision for me. It helps that I already knew her as a friend and knew she's a total ally of the entire LGBT community.

I'd find it hard to really have intimate physical contact before transition though. Emotional is okay. It happened to me in the past with people I was attracted to but it always felt uncomfortable when it got physical.
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Lady_Oracle

yep pre-transition dating was impossible, having a relationship was impossible like ugh it was the worst because thats all I really wanted. I started dating a few years ago because I finally felt ready and was in a good place mentally. I've had a few relationships since then and currently in my first long term relationship. I remember wondering when I would be ready to date and its like so surreal being at this point. I can't date guys still, that's not happening until after surgery.
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Rebecca

I didn't know it at the time but my capacity for any emotion was probably about 1% of what it is now.

So as far as I knew back then I was loving my wife and family etc as much as I could but on reflection it was the faintest shadow of my feelings for them all now.

Major disconnect on all levels preHRT complete train wreck internally. Total restoration since January absolutely amazing.
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AnxietyDisord3r

Quote from: alienbodybuilder on March 12, 2016, 09:16:40 PM
I want to know if anyone else felt partially emotionally numb and unable to love others deeply (romantic or not) before they transitioned completely and started to feel like the right gender?

I also felt emotionally numb to the point where I thought I might have a personality disorder in my early 20s. I don't think the autism helped as I was entirely out of touch with my own emotions. Cognitive Behavior Therapy can help with this.

QuoteMy family doesn't take my transexuality seriously and I don't think they will until I start hormones.

You may be right. Seeing is believing. I don't think my coworkers take me seriously but when I look male to them their attitudes will change.

In the end, it's hard to love others when you have trouble loving yourself. Learn to love and accept yourself and you can be open to others.
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