I wasn't sure whether to put this in 'AARGH' but then I realised I would possibly find discussion helpful rather than just venting.
So for the past 3 or 4 years, I've not looked forward to my birthdays, an they've pretty much just been another normal day for me. To be honest, I actually get quite depressed around my birthday each year. I'm going to be completely honest here; I never thought I'd reach 20 years old, let alone 24 (which I'll be on the 28th). I never really planned to be here, if that makes sense. So it feels confusing that I am still here, and I feel quite lost with no real purpose. I know that I'm still young and could find purpose, but that seems beyond me right now.
The other thing is that my housemates have both recently had birthdays, and they've both had themed birthday parties, which seems like a fun thing to do, and I feel maybe I could do that too. However, I've not really had a birthday party in years, I can't even remember the last time. And I have a lot of anxiety about events, especially if I have to host them. So I think I might like a party, but I'm too frightened and nervous. Not to mention I can't even think of anything to do as a theme, as soon as I try it's like I forget what I even like.
And finally, I am slightly nervous about my birthday because of my gender, this year. Last year I was barely out to anyone and so it didn't bother me so much somehow. But this year I've been more open with myself an others about my gender, but there are still some people who don't know, and some people who I think might forget. In particular, I'm scared I'll receive cards that say 'granddaughter' or 'niece' etc, on them. Last year I could handle that, this year, I'm really not confident that I can.
I don't know, I guess I just wish I could look at my birthday as a positive thing, rather than a neutral thing with high possibility of becoming negative. So far, the only positive I can find is 'Hey, you'll have made it to 24, that's quite a few years longer than you originally expected!'.