I was away for a national work related conference last week. Five of my colleagues also came along and a variety of people from across the country who work in related fields attended. It wasn't a huge conference - about 150 people all up - so it was somewhat "intimate" in that regard. I also gave a 15 minute presentation to about 50 people on a project I've been working on recently (a talk which went surprisingly well, fortunately!). There were the obligatory networking opportunities during the morning/afternoon tea breaks and lunch, plus there was a conference dinner on the first night. The overall split was about 60/40 female/male - I was the only trans person there that I was aware of. All up it was quite a good conference, interesting and engaging - which is all you can hope for really.
The thing about these events is I find that they provide a lot less private time than I might get on any average day. A lot of face-to-face contact and interaction and socialising. As a transgender woman used to mostly being in the background I was more in the mid-ground and (in the case of my talk and few other moments) decidedly in the foreground. Even though I've been living and presenting full time as female for over two years now it these kind of events that can cause a little bit of jitters beforehand. It wasn't bad, but I feel like I need to keep up "the act" a lot more consistently and for longer periods of time. And by "the act" I don't mean pretending to be a woman, just my public face, my public persona - I'm a fairly private person and I like my alone time and quite time, and not getting it can stress me out and exhaust me. That said, I managed much better at this conference than I think I have at any other conference previously when I used to present as male. If anything this conference really pushed home the fact that I am 100% living as a woman and seen as a woman by all around me. It's awesome!
In terms of scrutiny I know I was catching people's eyes - I had a couple of women ask me about my hair ("Is that your natural hair colour?" - "No" I replied truthfully, leaving out the fact that "my hair" is a wig). Some drunk married guy at the conference dinner blabbed on about how beautiful my hair was, apologising at the same time for being "inappropriate".
At the conference dinner I felt a lot more social too. After the meal an ancient Australian rocker played some of his hits from the 1970s and 80s. It was fun, I knew most of those songs (being ancient myself) and joined the many other delegates on the dance floor for a couple of numbers. I don't think I've gone out to a place and danced since transitioning - it was a lot of fun, I felt happy and confident and sexy! It felt great to toss my hair around too - although I suddenly became very conscious that I didn't want to accidently toss the wig askew or right off or have someone accidentally catch it in their flailing fingers and whip it across the dance floor. The thought makes me laugh but it would have been really, really,
really embarrassing!!!
Anyway, Grace has now lost her conference and dance floor virginity! Woo!
