Quote from: Semira on May 27, 2016, 02:05:00 AM
So option one would be to continue the course I've been following, which is doing nothing. Gender issues coupled with severe depression (22 years at least, which I think predates the gender problem) and significant social anxiety has left me in a very pathetic state. I haven't had one friend in the past 15 years. I barely talk to family. I live alone. My depression is bad enough to cause my body to deteriorate. While I can fake it online and fake it just enough to hold down a job to keep a roof over my head, my ability to function as a human being is virtually gone.
Semira, I feel your pain, your situation almost mirrors my own in many ways. I could say you are not alone, but honestly thats not going to make you feel any better. So much for the misery loves company notion. But I can relate.
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a. No Money. I'd never be able to afford it anyways. End of post. Have a nice day! Also, no insurance. No education to earn more money. And depression has robbed me of the mental fortitude needed to function at a level required to either earn an education or aquire more money. Plus no money to even begin to address the depression (or the myriad of other mental health problems I probably have).
You're not alone Semira. Sorry. I couldn't help it. I have serious dental issues, PTSD and crippling depression. And it seems if one doesn't have insurance others look down at that. Its a catch-22 situation.
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b. No Support. I have nobody to help me. And as much as I appreciate the occasional contact I have with people on the internet, it's just not the same as someone in the flesh. I'm mind-numbingly lonely on a daily basis and even if I find myself near another human being I have no clue how to interact with them. There are days when I seriously feel that I will someday forget how to speak entirely. It's not like I can strike up a conversation with someone anymore. What could I talk about? I have no hobbies, no friends, no interests. Who would want to be around me? I sure wouldn't.
My father died last year at 90 years old. My mom the year before that. While they never accepted the fact their
son was actually their daughter, I still loved them and I miss them. I have a sister who I can't stand. She is around 8 years older and has always managed to make my life miserable. Everytime I have to deal with her, the experience leaves me drained, exhausted and depressed for days. The only true friend I ever had was from childhood but he died 10 years ago. Like you, I have no friends, no one to socialize with. I don't go out. I believe myself to be an alien that has been forced to live in a sociopathic society. I fear that I have become sociopathic like the environment I live in, but I cry a lot and feel a great sense of empathy to others so this cannot be the case. It seems to me that people's smiles are really just superficial. When I socialized at a younger age, I felt like a stranger amongst pseudo-friends.
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c. Even if A and B magically went away, I don't feel like transitioning would ever satisfy me. I would always feel fake or incomplete. I could never achieve a true female body because obviously it's not possible. It feels like it would be just a giant tease. So close but...so far. Ultimately I'd have to sacrifice what little money I have, what little human contact I have, any number of consequences stemming from significantly increased financial and social turmoil, and a million conveniences I couldn't begin to list all to transform myself from a C- male to an F female. I can barely pass as a guy. I'd make an awful woman.
You know what? I feel the same way sometimes. But the thought of not being a woman is just unacceptably horrifying to me. I am too poor and too much of a coward to ever transition into a woman like some have. At one point in my young adulthood, I started taking female hormones. I was stupid. Back in those days it was difficult to find a doctor in Texas who would prescribe female hormones to someone like me. So I took black market ones instead.
And I started to change, but I was talked out of taking them. They say that hormone treatment is irreversible, but that wasn't my experience, however, I only took them for a little under 6 months. I try to remind myself its all about what's in ones heart and not outwardly appearances. But society brainwashes us to think differently doesn't it?
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Gray areas just feel like a stop-gap measure. Wearing feminine clothes is nice for a time but I get tired of it because I don't have the body to match. Accessories like makeup or jewelry are no different than the clothing. Their charm wears off quickly. It's the body that I really care about.
You think too much Semira. You really, really should maybe think about trying to someway, somehow occupy your mind. Too much idle time makes for thinking too much about nothing. Trust me. I am an expert at doing this. Stop looking in the mirror. The idea is to FEEL like a woman. You are going to have to compromise and find some middle ground somewhere. Even if you have to get feminine and imagine you are the woman you want to be. All women do that whether they care to admit it or not.
Yes, life sucks, people suck. Sometimes. The world is cruel and calloused. One just gets tired. So numbly tired. So sleepy yet sleepless. So numb yet feeling much pain. The days merge together, the world passes by, and I may as well not even exist. Ignored yet magnified. Scrutnized yet marginalized. Screaming inside, but no one to hear it; And even if they did no one would care. No one. I sometimes feel the world is such a horrible place because I was born in it. Maybe the world would be a better place if I were not in it. I don't know. The darkness and despair from depression knows no bounds. Sinking so low to the point of beliving one cannot sink any lower. Oh believe me, you can! Don't let your depression go untreated. Depression will hold you in bondage, take your life away from you.
Get a dog. Get a cat. You
need to have something in your life that gives you pure love with no strings attached. And you need to have something to love back. Yes, at some point your dog or cat will die. But as cruel and unfair as it seems, that is the cycle of life. So don't use that as an excuse to deny yourself. Fill that void in your life. It is well worth it. I honestly don't think I could survive if I didn't have a dog or a cat to give and receive lots of love.
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I had a notion that if I found a woman to be close to that I could kind of live vicariously through her and eek by that way but I'm too socially inept to be able to try that experiment. I try to find lists of reasons why being female would be a bad thing. I show my brain all kinds of statistical analysis on why it would be best to remain as I am. I explain to myself that being born a white male in the United States is like winning the lottery. I should just be happy with what I got. My brain won't listen to any amount of logic or reasoning that I throw its way.
I tried that route. Make Nikki go to sleep. Enter into a relationship with a nice girl. Know what happened? Nikki eventually wakes up. Demands to be let out. I found myself at best envious of the girl and at worse jealous to the point of wearing her panties, nighties, skirts and blouses when she wasn't around. She can indulge in her femininity; Why can't I? I would feel like a phoney piece of crap for allowing this beautiful girl put her trust in me only to ultimately be a flagrantly lying hypocrite to her. What a jerk! I had become so adept at deceiving and lying to myself that it became second nature to do the same onto others. Why did I always ultimately hurt the ones I loved the most? Why was I so selfish? I'm not the smartest kid on the block and it takes me years to learn things that most people know right off. After years and years of this type of diminishing, destructive behavour, I realized my selfishness was directly proportional to the amount of pain I was feeling emotionally. In other words I was experiencing abject emotional and psychological pain which would deaf, dumb and blind me to the pain I may have been causing others. I couldn't feel past my own pain. Self denial. Sometimes it was easier to deny what I already knew. No amount of girl friends, no amount of having sex with them would change what I was. Physically, my male body desired girls but emotionally, I realized I was using them just so I could learn how to be
like them. How despicable.
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I will wrap up this post by noting that I would never physically harm myself. One positive I suppose.
For what its worth I care. We are pretty much in the same boat. There is just nothing anyone can say or do to automagically make things better. That somehow comes from within. I just wish I knew how.
I'm really into female names. Semira is such a pretty name! Isn't that a Hebrew name meaning 'from heaven' or 'highest heaven'? Many moons ago I remember asking my mother what she would have named me if I were a girl and she told me she thought Nikki was a pretty name and would have probably named me that. So I have since then felt that is what my name should have been.
Nikki
