Need help explaining

[Tommi]

I could use some help ladies.

My wife doesn't understand how I can be into her, and yet be MTF trans.  She knows I am bi, and she says she thinks sometimes I'm gay and to cope I think I'm trans instead.  She says it confuses her though then that I am into her and thinks I am going to leave her for a guy, or as she says "prance off out the door in your high heels".

I have tried to explain to her I'm not gay, and how I view myself doesn't matter to how I view her, but she doesn't get it.  Am I incorrect that a gay guy doesn't want to be a woman, or feminine just because he's gay?  Most of the gay guys I've known weren't feminine...

[Lili]

My love for you will never change, but I am able to love myself more living as a woman....is something I may say in your shoes.

[Tommi]

My love for you will never change, but I am able to love myself more living as a woman....is something I may say in your shoes.

I've tried explaining that... but she still says she doesn't understand how I can feel trans.  She doesn't think I am.  Says my actions are male, interests are male, etc etc etc.

[KyleeKrow]

Women can enjoy "manly" things. Your gal wears pants from time to time I imagine. It wasn't too long ago that that was frowned upon. Just because one feels female doesn't mean that they have to be super feminine. And if gender had anything to do with sexuality, nobody would be gay. It's not your sexuality that should be in question, but your gender.

[MichelleZelda]

Point out masculine things she does (probably better if there's a few at once) and ask her how come those wouldn't make her a guy, or give examples of very feminine men that are still clearly men?

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[RobynD]

First, i'd tell her that "i only prance in the proper ballet flats, i don't want to injure myself"

Next I will say that explaining these things to the unknowing is hard and to the person you love even harder. There are several guides and online and tips, but one of the better concepts to explain is how both gender expression and sexuality are separate sliding lines. The marker on those lines does not slide together. Thus you can have all variances of gender and sexuality

Gay men come in all types as well, i've seen many masculine and many feminine, but its really not relevant to her questioning. She needs to trust what you say to her is the best understanding of yourself at time. If you are attracted to women, then you just are.

[Tommi]

Thank you all for the tips!   

[Dena]

Late to the party but you are talking two issues.

Gender identity which is Male, Female, Neither or Both

Sexual preference which is Heterosexual, Bisexual, Homosexual or Asexual

Before you are born, you end up as one of the 16 possible combinations and they don't change in life. It may take a while to discover what you are because social pressures sometimes force us into the wrong role but you are far enough in exploring yourself that you can reassure your wife that she is the one.

[ainawa88]

Surely your wife must be familiar with the term "bull-dyke" ..? And I'm not making any judgement, I'm not saying that describes you, but there's a perfect example you can give to her of a woman attracted to women whose actions and interests are "male" ...

[cheryl reeves]

It's not just your wife,but women in general have a hard time understanding how some mtf are into women,while others are attracted to men. I'm into women for men do nothing for me period,thought about it a few times and nothing,women on the other hand do alot for me. I'm married and have been so for 28yrs, and my wife still doesn't understand how I'm into her and not into guys. Just reassure her that you love her no matter how your dressed.