Caitlyn Jenner: "Old Bruce was a good man"

[JoanneB]

I tend to make a big distinction between the "Old" me and the person I am today. The "Old" being a lifeless soulless thing that had no feelings, no reason to exist beyond "It was expected".

Then.... There is the other big factor of never being able to take ownership of all the really cool, great, amazing, and wonderfull things I did accomplish as I muddled my way through life. Because back then I was "Doing what was expected".

Today I can look objectively back at John and think, even say out loud. I did some really great things that I have every right to be proud of. No Shame. No Guilt

[Dena]

It may be the number of years I have lived post surgical but looking back, I can't see a dividing line between the old me and the new me. Before age 13 the rules of gender needed to be learned and often I was quite confused about some of them. I acted like a boy but my natural responses were mistaken for maturity when they might have been passive/nurturing. At age 13 I intentionally put up a false front and people saw what they wanted to see. Nobody questioned me about my lack of friends, no interest in sports and no interest in dating girls. My self image behind that false front are still the same as today minus the discomfort with my life. The false front was able to get me through school and started me on my way in life but it served it's purpose and in the end became to much of a burden to maintain.

[Rebecca]

To me there were simple physical issues as well as psychological.

Basically the absence of E and the presence of T warped my development from child to adult. Reducing and disconnecting the bulk of my emotional capacity. So slow it wasn't ever noticed until after.

To all intents and purposes my hardware was shot to bits. As Gerard I would say he was the best I could do with what I had. Female impulses were controlled (to a degree) and every expectation was met if not exceeded.

Was I happy?
Did I love my wife and kids?
Yes to both as much as I could but that capacity was no more than 5% if I'm being generous.

Now that I am restored Gerard is ultimately dead and Jerrica is alive. Dr Who style I retain all the memories including education etc.

Anything he could do I can do better apart from lift heavy things.

Short version
Whilst I was him for a time he is not me.

[RobynD]

I feel like the odd person out here by not feeling like my male persona is all that different than the rest of me.  That may be due to the stage of my transition but I also see some other differences that may contribute. 

The main one is denial, I see a lot of people speak of being in denial.  I don't think I have ever been in denial since I was 13 years old.  Yes, I had to hide it for survival but I always knew and accepted myself.  While I did affect some behaviors and mannerisms to aid in that camouflage I always viewed that as something external and not intrinsic to myself.  So as I move along and drop these things it doesn't feel like I'm losing any part of myself but rather like shedding an old costume that served a purpose but is now worn out and no longer needed.  I was never that costume.  It's just all I allowed other people to see.

The real operating system has always been there humming along at full speed and has always been in control even if due to its packaging it remained imperceptible to anyone but me.

Why I am only now proceeding with some sort of transition is due to many factors but denial was never one of them.


Sapere Aude

I'm pretty much wth you Deborah. I see the old me and the new me as the same person. I just was not presenting myself to the world accurately. Then it became accurate, but still lacking many things.. Then i began my transition.

I don't dislike the old me, i am pleased with what she was able to accomplish and the good things she was able to for spouse, children, family and friends. I don't like all of my choices i made, but who ever does.