Did I accidentally go stealth?

[Kova V]

So something strange has been happening lately. I've been hanging out with a lot of new people over the past year. I don't go out of my way to tell people I'm trans and I just kind of assume that people know. A dozen people have made passing comments about me in ways that it's apparent they don't know I'm transgender. Whether it's asking me questions about when I was a young girl, to discussions about periods, to all sorts of random comments from guys. It kind of boggles my mind!

I'll tell them if they ask, or if I ever start down a romantic path, or if they start hating on the trans community. I have no problem talking to people about being trans but I don't but preach about it, I'm usually very quiet. When is it the right time to tell them? Should I tell them even though they don't ask? Does it really matter?

I'm still internalizing this. Thoughts anyone?

[KathyLauren]

Congratulations!  You are a woman.  Enjoy it!

I think your approach is a good one: if they need to know, you'll tell them; if they don't need to know, they don't need to know.

[Maybebaby56]

Hi Kova,

In my opinion, as long as you are conducting yourself in an intellectually and emotionally honest fashion, I think I would go on doing just what you have been doing.  You are under no obligation to disclose your gender status any more than a cis-person is.

If you start to know someone and develop a personal relationship with them, then you might want to disclose you are trans, just so you can develop a relationship on a bedrock of honesty.  That should be a rule for all relationships, of course, but trans persons are more likely to be accused of conducting their affairs in an a less-than virtuous manner if there is any room to cast blame. We are "different" and "not like the others", lol, so be prepared for people to externalize any uncomfortable feelings they may have by assuming you are responsible for their discomfort.

Just my opinion.

~Terri

[NikkiC]

If you start to know someone and develop a personal relationship with them, then you might want to disclose you are trans, just so you can develop a relationship on a bedrock of honesty.  That should be a rule for all relationships, of course, but trans persons are more likely to be accused of conducting their affairs in an a less-than virtuous manner if there is any room to cast blame. We are "different" and "not like the others", lol, so be prepared for people to externalize any uncomfortable feelings they may have by assuming you are responsible for their discomfort.

When I was much younger than I am now, I could pass easily as a girl, and for a short number of years I  was able to live the life of an attractive female and it was fabulous.  One particular summer I met a young man and he was just the sweetest guy I had ever met and we would just talk and talk for hours on end.  One time in particular he brought me flowers!  He just didn't go to the florist and buy them, he hand picked each one from the nearby meadows and it was the most thoughtful thing anyone had ever done for me. His innocent thoughtfulness made me cry.  He tortured himself over trying to figure out what he had done wrong.  I could see that he was falling for me, and I was definitely falling for him. Nothing had happened between us at this point.  Like most young people the subject came up about future dreams and his, was to just have lots of kids and be a dad.  I just couldn't continue on with the charade even though in my mind It was not a charade.  He made me feel so.... girly. Feminine.   I stopped seeing him. In those  days there was just no talking about being a girl trapped in a boys body. He never knew the truth, a friend of mine who knew my secrete, told him I was just an immature and fickle young girl. I was just broken.  It changed me.  I was just overwhelmed with guilt.  Being barely 17 I just wasn't emotionally mature enough to know how to handle the situation.  Quite frankly, I wouldn't know how today either. This incident really hurt,  and some other things happened after this that had a large emotional impact upon me as well.  I started to hate Nikki.  Tried to kill her.  Started to deny what I was, tried to change tack to a male and have girl friends.  This backfired.  I realized that killing Nikki would be killing myself. I was a girl and that is all there was to it.  Only how I wish that was all there was to it!   I never forgot that young man.  Years later I heard he found a nice girl, got married and had lots of kids.  I was happy he found his dream.

Nikki