My Gender Identity

[kaleidoscope_heart]

Okay, so here's the main reason why I came here. I wanna find my gender identity.

I've always been 100% sure of my sexual orientation, and a fact is that I've always been 100% attracted to men.

Now, I'm not completely sure if I'm transgender or fall in the non-binary category.

When I was young, I always felt attracted to girl stuff: clothes, games, toys, though I didn't feel uncomfortable enough to say I didn't want to be a boy, I mean, I felt OK being a boy, but in my heart I knew I would've felt happier if I had been born a girl. I did not reject my genitals, but there were some things that showed my dysphoria, when I was like four or five years old, I remember playing roles with my male cousin, I decided that he'd be the blue prince (prince charming in spanish) and I'd be the red princess, I know he must've felt awkward at that time. Another thing I know is that there was one day where my sister would write down on a notebook everything that happened that day, and of her notes said that I said that when a boy grows up, he becomes a girl, curious, right? I remember another thing, there is one old photo of me wearing a towel over my normal clothes, and I remember that the towel was supossed to be my princess dress.

When I grew up, I started disliking more the male role, as it started to get rougher and tougher, and would fantasize of being a girl more often. I had a lot of imagination and drew stuff all the time, I created a lot of characters, and I remember almost like 95% of the characters I created were female, and the male characters I made were pretty feminine rather than masculine.

I've always liked boys, I never ever felt any kind of romantic or sexual attraction to girls, that's something I'm like 150% sure of, I thought I was gay, but never spoke up because in my family and general social environment, I was teached that being gay was wrong, and people would often make offensive jokes about gay people, though I still knew that I'd never change what I liked.

Then I grew up a little more, I discovered a gay porn site when I was like 12, and I actually liked it very much, then I started masturbating to it, it always gave me a lot of pleasure at the moment, but when I finished doing it and my sex drive went zero, I started to feel uncomfortable, gross, disgusting, like "What the hell are you doing?", and my dysphoria went like crazy, and it's always been like that until today.

Let's say that I imagine myself sexually as a gay masculine man, but in other aspects of life, I imagine myself as a effeminate straight woman, though I can still think of myself sexually as a girl, but not at all as strong as I do as a boy. It's strange, because it depends of the level of my sex drive. When I'm turned on, I think of gay stuff (I never liked straight porn, maybe because I watched it after gay porn?), I imagine myself as a masculine hairy man, having intimate relations with another man. But when I'm not, my dysphoria goes stronger and I feel female, delicate, and do not find interest in sex. It's weird because I feel like having two different personalities at the same time, even my psychologist said it was something odd.

Maybe I'm bigender? I'm not sure, what I don't like of the male gender is its social role, but I like its sexual role. And what I like of the female gender is its social role, and I feel indifferent with its sexual role. Sounds like the female gender is the winner, right? But the problems is my interest in the male sexual role is very strong, and it doesn't accept mixed terms like androgyny, transvestism or cross-dressing.

So I feel that if choose to be a gay man, I'd have to be a full-time male and it's kind of awkward for me, since I even feel uncomfortable when I say my male name out loud. And if I choose to be a straight woman, I'd have to be a full-time female and it kinda scares me the possibility that I won't enjoy the sex.

It's so confusing, and extremely frustrating, I wish right now that my two personalities split in two different bodies, two different lives, that'd be so cool, it would make things so easier.

I kind of wanna get rid of my male personality, the sexual one, it has brought me a lot of problems, specially with my family, since I've kinda become addicted to masturbation. But as I said, I only enjoy it at the moment, when it ends I feel guilt and disgust about my body. Sometimes I feel the culprits are the high levels of male hormones in my body.

My question is, have other people who identify themselves as TRANSGENDER WOMEN (non-transitioning, transitioning or already went through the SRS) had the thoughts I'm showing to you now? Did you too have gay thoughts before trasitioning? Did they go away after transitioning? I've read that MtF HRT lowers your sex drive a lot, and I think it could be a solution to it, maybe if I go on HRT, the right hormones would make me see that I'm 100% a woman.

I know I need more professional help, but let's say I can't go through it, nor HRT, for now. Since I'm not economically independent yet and my parents don't want me to go to another psychologist, because they feel the previous one was a waste of money since it didn't "cure" my transgender feelings.

I'd also like to know what non-binary people think.

Love you all.
Pd: I don't have a female name yet, so you can call me Kali (Pronounced Kah-lee. Taken from my username lol)

[suzifrommd]

Hi Kali, welcome to Susan's.

I have a couple thoughts that might help you.

First, your sexual feelings have nothing to do with your gender identity. It's been proven that sexual orientation originates in a different part of the brain than gender.

As far as your gender identity, my gender therapist discourages me from trying to label myself. She doesn't think it's helpful. Instead she encourages me to figure out how I want to live.

That made life much easier. I don't know if I'm a trans woman or non-binary, or some other gender alchemy. But I know I want to live as a woman, and that's the direction I transitioned into.

[LivingTheDream]

I was never into men pre-transition (curious and open to it now tho, that's a big change), so can't answer some of your question but I did see you mention some things that I would like to comment on.

Firstly, you said you could either stay a gay man and be full time male or female but be full time female. Actually, you can be whoever you wanna be, do anything you wanna do; you don't have to do anything you don't wanna do. If you wanna stay male but occasionally be female then do that, if you wanna be female but occasionally go out male or be male, do that, you know? Who says you can't do that? Be yourself, be who you wanna be, who makes you happy.

Same idea applies to sex. I personally know transwomen who have no issues at all with their downstairs equipment and have no desire to change it and there are probably many here like that as well. You don't have to have the surgery to be trans, who don't have to change it. If you like it, keep it. Same goes for sexual role. If you like the male sexual role use it, and while it may be a bit more difficult to find interested people for that, I'm sure they exist as well.

As Suzy said, don't worry about labels too much. I spent so much time and energy trying to label myself, trying to make myself fit into the stereotypes and it did nothing but harm and depress me.

TMI warning:



I was addicted to masterbation too pre-transition. Multiple times a day...Hrt definitely helped me out with that, it's much better and more manageable now. I wouldn't recommend it just for that reason tho, to lower libido, but if you do decide to transition and wanna go on it, go for it, but again, don't feel the need to go on it if you decide you don't really wanna just for lower libido.

Hope this helps a bit..

[Jacqueline]

Kali,

Welcome to Susan's. It is a great place to find support and a lot of information.

Speaking of which. I am sharing some useful links with the site's agreements and other information. If you have not looked at them yet, please do so.

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service & Rules to Live By	Standard Terms & Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, & signature images policy

Thanks for sharing such a personal experience. I found it is both good to be able to do that and a little scary.

I also agree with Suzi as well. Identity vs orientation are very different. There are a number thought exercises and personal essay prompts that help to explore gender identity on your own.

Are you currently a student? There may be some support available at your school that would cost nothing.

Again, welcome. Look around, ask questions and join in.

With warmth,

Joanna

[keira166]

There are a number thought exercises and personal essay prompts that help to explore gender identity on your own.

Hi Joanna, first post.
Can you recommend some good thought exercises and essay prompts to explore gender or point a link?  I've been questioning only for about two months now, and I've done tests of my own to explore my gender, but my main worry is that I'm just getting carried away with excitement to be trans (although that worry isn't stopping me I'm so excited to be in touch with myself!)

[Jacqueline]

Keira
Sorry I lost track of this post for a few days. I am not at my computer right now. When I get a chance, I will either place a link or copy some of what helped me a bit.

Not to say I don't sometimes have doubts. It seems to be very common. Sorry this will take longer.

With warmth,

Joanna

Sent from my XT1575 using Tapatalk

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am going to give you a link dump and if a link appears to be wrong, move on to the next one. First, the binary is a firm male or female identity. Non binary can be a mix of both genders, no gender or the gender can move around. The links I have start with our Wiki where you will get a general definition of what is is to be transgender. The next link is "the transition channel" which covers transgender but targets transsexualism a bit more.
The next three links cover fluid or bi gender. They were the hardest one for me because I was transsexual and I knew nothing about it before coming to Susan's.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196073.0.html
Non binary can also cover gender identities that are not described above so if you still don't see yourself, you may still be non binary. Feel free to ask any questions you have and I will be glad to help you.

[Jacqueline]

Here are a series of personal questions and essay prompts that I used to help explore my gender identity. My Therapist found them interesting as well. I pulled the majority of them from other websites. I did not ask permission for their use. Most are general enough that I don't think it will be a problem. Some are a little stereo typical. They tend to more talk to a MTF person as those were the issues I was working through. However, I imagine one could use them with slight variations to work through many different issues. The personal comments after some of the questions are from the author of the questions(not me). I do not specifically endorse the sites they came from, just found them personally helpful. Hope they are for you too:

1. Look in the mirror, what do you see? do you see a man(mtf) or woman(ftm) and it feels comfortable or do you see someone and it feels dist ant/disconnected or weird?


2.  Does thinking about being a girl(mtf) or boy(ftm)  make you happy/bring up a good feeling?


3.  If you could live the rest of y our natural life as the gender you weren't assigned at birth, would you?


4.  When you look at members of the other gender, what do you feel?


5.  Does wearing the clothing of the other gender feel 'more right'?

6.  If you knew you were going to look more and more masculine(mtf) as you got older, how would you feel about that? What if you were going to look more and more feminine?

1.   At what age did you first feel different than other kids of your sex? 

Help: Many kids feel out of place or outcast for lots of reasons other than gender issues. Maybe they are smarter than the norm, or a little odd physically. Maybe they had an unusual or restrictive upbringing or are just naturally shy.  For kids with serious gender disorders, they usually feel that other kids of their sex think in ways they can't comprehend. This usually gets worse throughout the school years.  I, myself, found boys to be so mean and rough, and I just couldn't understand why anyone would want t o hurt others like that. I was sick a lot in elementary school and actually thought I had missed the day in which they taught the boys how to think like they did -  I kid you not!  For a while I thought my parents simply had chosen not to teach me what the other boy's parents had taught them. I began to wonder if my parents didn't know that information or really didn't love me and didn't want to share it with me, even though I was in a warm, supportive family.  It never occurred to me that I might think like t he girls. In kindergarten, the difference between boys and girls was pretty clear, so I just thought I was a defective boy.  Others I know tell me they immediately knew that they were like the girls and not like the boys, from the first day of school. It didn't hit me until my 30's that I might actually have a female mind. All thought years I had just thought I was a defective boy/man with a weird sexual fantasy about becoming a girl.  Only when I actually began transition (and was well into it) did I learn enough about the real differences between men's and women's minds. And that is when I realized that it all made sense. I could look back and re- examine how the boys and girls acted in kindergarten and throughout school. Based on what I learned, I could see that I was so like the girls but never, ever saw it.  For example, in kindergarten a group of girls used to chase the boys around and try to kiss them. They called themselves the "Kissing Girls." I thought that turnabout was fair play, so I told the other boys that we should chase the girls around and call ourselves the "Kissing Boys."  They all thought it was a stupid idea and ridiculed me. I couldn't understand their reaction -  my plan made perfect sense to me!  And this leads to our second question" 



2.   Can you recall times in which (in retrospect) you naturally acted more like a member of the opposite sex when you were a child? 

Help: You probably didn't notice these things at the time, other than perhaps being a little perplexed at the reactions you might  have gotten. But, in looking back now, you can see that your outlook and interests were a lot more like the opposite sex than your own born sex.  We're not looking for big things here -  just a whole series of little things -  a trend that you can follow throughout your school years, dating even before you were aware that anything like "sex change" existed.  Of course, these days, sex change stories are all over television in both fiction and the news. So, it is likely that younger people reading this might very well know all about it even before going to kindergarten, so that change the parameters a bit.  These days, even before school age some children are telling their parents they are not a boy or not a girl. They ask questions like "When am I going to get t o wear those clothes?" or "When will I get to be a [boy or girl]?"  So take into account your generation when answering this one. Regardless, can you see a trend in your natural approach to live or manner of thinking that seems a lot more like the opposite sex than your born sex? 


3.   As a child, did you ever yearn for things appropriate to the opposite sex? 

Help: Did you ever envy things girls or women did? Were you ever attracted to items of clothing or jewelry that you thought were pretty? Most cross- dressers, since they are primarily driven by sexual interest, don't start experimenting until puberty. But most transsexuals either begin cross dressing at an early age well before puberty  A lot of us find clothing or jewelry pretty and want to try it on (dressing up like mommy) but are told we can't because we are boys. We soon learn not to ask because we begin to get reprimanded sternly. But, for me, I was about five years old when I was first attracted to  articles of my mom's clothing, wanting something like that for myself. I started cross- dressing at age seven, secretly trying on clothes of little girls my mom had taken in to iron for hire.  And while we're on the subject, ask yourself if you ever lost the urge to cross dress for perhaps years at a time. Most cross dressers never lose the urge. Many transsexuals do lose the urge if their lives are going well. Makes the role fit better, so the dysphoria diminishes.  For example, after I got married and up until my children were young, I didn't cross dress for a span of many years because my career and finances were going well and my family life was fulfilling. I was plenty content enough during those times to not even think about gender issues. 

And while I'm on the subject, there's a roaring debate in the transgender community about who is more "real," those who change early or those who wait until later. Many of the early changers feel that those who marry and have families can't be real at all.  That's plain wrong. Though there are many who wait until later who are just looking to try anything to get out of an unfulfilling life and may have some mild tendency toward ->-bleeped-<-, true transsexuals who wait until later life often do so because their maternal instinct is so strong they yearn for a family more than to be in the right role.  Often, those who change early, while pretty and (forgive the expression) "cock sure" of themselves, are not nearly as maternal, not nearly as shy or demure, and get a head start only because they are more assertive, or perhaps because they come from a negative home environment.  Fact is, the age at which someone changes neither validates nor diminishes how "real" they are. 


4. Looking back, have you been closer in your feelings  toward your male or female relatives?  Boys and men generally aren't really all that close to anyone. Although sensitive and gentle men are not at all necessarily transgendered, most men don't make those kinds of connections.  Male relatives are, therefore, also a bit stand- off-ish. So, take that into account when considering your answer to this question. Don't assume that just because the men were more distant that makes you closer from your side to the women in your family.  Bu t, if you take that into account and find that rather than emulating the attitudes and philosophies of relatives of your born sex, you were in greater empathy with those of the opposite sex, then you are in line with what most transgednered people felt as they grew up.  For me, I felt all cuddly when I hung out with my mother, grandmother, and aunts, but felt uneasy and almost "on trial," or that I had to continually prove myself when I was with my father, step father, grandfather or uncles.  Doesn't mean I w as a feminine kid though. I learned early on to play the game and by the time I decided to transition in my late thirties, it came as a total shock to everyone, without exception.  Other friends tell me that when they changed, relatives told them, "well, that makes sense." Again, go figger.


5. Have you had lifelong fantasies of becoming female?  If so, you are either a cross- dresser, transgendered, or transsexual. All people occasionally fantasize about being the other sex. That's why so many stories are ma de about that for the mainstream audience. But for it to be a lifelong fantasy, especially to the exclusion of other sexual fantasies, well that pretty well speaks for itself, especially if the fantasies started before puberty. In such a case you are far m ore likely to be transgendered or transsexual than anything else. 


6. Do you have to be on guard all the time to prevent yourself from falling into feminine poses and movements? 

This is a big one -  one of the best questions to help you sort out if you are  really transgendered. Crossdressers tend to naturally move, pose, and act masculinity. When dressed, they have to make an intentional effort to act in a feminine manner.  Men who are transgendered tend to fall automatically into feminine poses and movement s all of their lives, even back in school. They have learned how to act in a masculine manner, but even with years of effort, they have to constantly monitor their movements to make sure their arms are held "just so," their legs move with authority, and so  on.  In school, someone once told me I walked like a girl. I spent the whole next Summer watching movies with strong male characters and practicing their moves. By the next year, someone asked me, "Why do you always walk around like Captain America?" I had  to tone it down after that, but it was always consciously applied, for every step I took until I went into transition.  My step- dad kept having to tell me to stop putting my hands on my hips: "Men don't do that." A friend's father complained about the way she took off her tee shirt, pulling it up by the sides instead of from the back. Why? because guys and girls do it differently?  Yeah, but WHY do they do it differently? Because male and female bodies are built differently at the skeletal level. Its just easier for each to do it the way they do. Which, is why my friend did it the girls way -  she had female skeletal features.  Which brings us to our final question: 


7. Do you have any physical characteristics that are far too female to be normal? 

Transsexuality is believed to be caused by an aberration in the flow of hormones over the brain of the developing fetus during pregnancy. Turns out, that the more intense the mental ->-bleeped-<-, the greater the female physical attributes as well.  Now, this isn't to  say that it's not possible that the mind of a teenage girl might be trapped in the body of The Hulk. I'm just saying that I haven't encountered such a thing.  I personally know a lot of transsexuals who had all the surgeries and now look pretty much like w omen, but they never had the telltale physical characteristics. Every single one of them acts more or less like a man, with male- ish attitudes and perspectives. You know, sure they are right, aggressive, competitive -  and they still, of all things, treat o ther women as if they were second class, not one's peers.  Now, they have just as much right to get the surgeries and live as women as anyone, but I doubt you'll find anyone who thinks of them as being mentally female. Yet, they are, for the most part, well  liked and loved by their friends and relatives, and just seen as a bit quirky.  So what are these characteristics (so you can look for them in yourself)? Here are a few -  smallish hands, narrow, delicate bones overall, wide pelvis compared to shoulders, narrow shoulders compared to men, ring finger and index finger same length (men have a noticeably longer index finger), and then my two personal favorites: 
1. Elbows. If you let your arms hang down by your sides and face your palms forward, male physical arm s will be almost straight line from shoulder to wrist. Female arms will be straight down to the elbow, but then the arms angle outward, away from the body at about a thirty degree angle.  Why is this? In evolution, the angle makes it far easier to nurse a baby; Male arms can't easily twist into a position to bring the baby to the breast area, while cradling the baby's head in the crook of the elbow.  It is this angle that makes girls throw like girls (and that led my friend to take off her tee- shirt the way s he did). 
2. Crossing of legs. We can all cross our legs, but can you double- cross them? In other words, after you cross your legs, can you then tuck your ankle around again, under the ankle of the leg on the bottom.  Guys can't seem to do this because of the width of the pelvis and the angle at which the legs are attached. 

There are many who believe the physical markers arguments are a perpetuated myth. I do not know how good the science behind any of it is.

Following is a free form provocation tool, designed to elicit thought about gender identity. Use this tool to provoke self examination. Answer each question with as much heartfelt honesty and awareness as possible. Explore the concepts and expand on them.


1. Do I express femininity MORE for freedom of being, or for the pleasure I feel?



2. Clothes, or Self? If everyone dressed exactly the same, male or female, how would this need in me express itself....or would it?


3. Which gender expression permits me more freedom to be and do what I REALLY want, male or female?


4. If I do nothing, I will lose the ability to be accepted as a female forever, and within about five years. How do I feel? What does this make me want to do?


5. My penis is GONE FOREVER. How do I feel about that?


6. If I had to pick only one sex to be FOREVER, would it be male, or female?


7. That choice is already being made for me. How do I feel about that?


8. List the single most important thing that comes to heart about being 'en femme' (dressing or otherwise expressing female gender).


9. If I spent the rest of my life just dressing as a woman, but living as a man, is that enough?


10. It is ten years from now. WHAT am I?


11. I wake up one morning and I am a woman. It is PERMANENT. It will never, ever change. How do I feel about that?


12. Is there ANYTHING I cannot do as a woman that I could do as a man? How important is that?


13. If I will feel about my gender the way I do right now, for the rest of my life, can I live with that? For exactly how long?


14. Suddenly the entire world is devoid of gender. All people are hermaphrodites, utterly androgynous in personality and form. The culture reflects this, as does all human interaction. I am still me. Living in this world, would I still want to be a woman? Why?


15. One of the following things is stopping me from being my preferred gender. Which is it? A. I am unsure. B. I fear what others will do. C. What if I regret it? D. It is too much to face.


16. I am offered two choices. I am assured that I will not regret either choice, once it is completed. Both are painless and foolproof. One choice is to have the wiring of my brain altered so that it corresponds with my male body, eliminating forever any yearning to be female The other choice is to have my body altered to fit my brain, so that I am fully female. Which is my preferred
choice? Does one choice seem wrong? Why?.

Imagine you could start life over, right from the moment you were born. Knowing everything you know now, you get to choose which sex you are born. What choice would you make? Why did you make that choice? What might be better about your life as the sex you chose? What might be worse about your life as the sex you chose?


Now try a slight twist on your hypothetical: Imagine you could start life over, right from the moment you were born. Knowing everything you know now, you get to choose to change one and only one of two things. (1) you can change the sex you're born as or (2) you can change your feelings so you never have any gender identity issues. That is, if you might be a Female-to-Male transsexual you can choose to be been boy or be born as a girl without ever feeling you are or should be a boy.


Most people are gender-schematic. That's a psychology term for people's tendency to divide people into boys and girls. Thinking back, try to remember a time where somebody of your target sex said, "Oh you just think/feel that way because you're a man/woman." How do you feel about being grouped that way? Did this cause you any hurt feelings? How did you respond? In general, how gender schematic are you? That is, do you often say things like "boys are É and girls are É" or do you try to minimize the groupings others make by saying things like, "maybe boys and girls are different like you say but it's not a very big difference."


Have you ever purposely dressed as or purposely behaved like your target sex? Did you do this in a 'big' way or a 'small' way, or both at different times? For an example take on of my personal 'small' ways like I wore big poofy schrunchies to hold back my long hair for several years before I ever considered transitioning. An example of a 'big' way is to go out for the day (or longer) presenting as your target sex. What motivated you to do these things? If you haven't done anything like this, why not?


Have you ever been accused of purposely dressing or purposely behaving like your target sex even though you weren't intentionally doing that? Also, has somebody ever pointed out how an aspect of your behavior is like your target sex even though you weren't aware of that? How did that make you feel? What did you think?


Have you ever taken steps not to have traits like your target sex? For example, I used to keep my hands folded behind my back once somebody explicitly told me how girlish my hand gestures are. During your early childhood (before puberty) what were your friends like? Describe your best friends. Were they boys or girls? What were you favorite types of play? When you played with toys 'meant' for your biological sex, did you play with them in the typical way? For example, I used to have matchbox cars (a stereotypically boyish toy) which I played with in a way that personified them as friends and family. It was only in the last few years when studying developmental psychology that I found out fantasy play like this is more typical of girls. What do your friend choices and activity choices from youth tell you about whom you are.


Were there activities you were forbidden to do, that you really wanted to do? Why were you forbidden to do that? How did you respond?


Do you say things to yourself like, I'm not really a transsexual because I can't identify with the definition: "man trapped in a woman's body" or "woman trapped in a man's body." If you're saying that, you might consider the possibility that these are just pop-culture cliches, not definitions. There definitely are transsexual who say things like there's something "deep inside" them that tells them that they are a boy or girl. But there are also transsexuals who don't feel that way.

Do you say things to yourself like, "It's too late for me to transition", "I'm too old", or "If only I could go back to (some earlier point in my life) then I would transition." If you say things like that you might consider the possibility that you're making a classic reasoning error called "the fallacy of sunk cost." I wrote another essay on this topic which you can read in my "living life" section.


Everybody has lots of identities and gender identity is only one of them. For example, I have very strong feelings about being a scientist. I feel there's something scientists share in common and it's different form the way non-scientists usually are. "Scientist" is one of my identities. What are your identities? Which ones are most important to you. Are you willing to change your sex to affirm your gender identity? How might a sex change influence your other identities? For example, I was scared I might not be able to become a scientist anymore if I transitioned.


Do you really want to be the opposite sex or do you want to be a 'fantasy' of the opposite sex? Everybody has fantasies about what their life might be like if they make different decisions but often reality turns out to be a lot more mundane than we imagine. Have you considered realistically what you'll gain and four sections and label them "pro-male", "con-male", you can think of for each group. For example, under bad about being thought of as female. lose by transitioning? Try this exercise: fold a sheet of paper into "pro-female", and "con-female." Now write as many things as "con-female" write all the things you can think of that might be


Do you have "gender dysphoria" (i.e. you feel there's something really bad about you being perceived as your biological sex) or do you have "gender euphoria" (i.e. you feel there's something really great about you being perceived as your target sex). You might have both. If you don't honestly have gender dysphoria you might be a bit more cautious about the possibility you're not being realistic about your fantasies.


Do you feel there's anything wrong with being a gay man, lesbian woman, or a cross-dresser? If you do, consider if you're trying to cope with your fears about which you really are by believing you might be a transsexual. It's completely okay if you have secret fears of any of these groups. Most people do because of the way societies stigmatize these groups. I just hope you'll take some time to explore each of these groups. You'll probably find that all parts of the queer community include people you'll like and people you won't. You'll find people in each of these groups her are unbelievably nice and others who are completely obnoxious. If you spend enough time with any of these groups, you might see how diverse each group is and how they're just like everybody else.


Considering Your Options Have you considered a less 'extreme' steps to deal with your gender identity issues. In my opinion, there are two broad ways you can take less extreme steps. One way is creating a 'secondary' life as your target sex. You might cross-dress on weekends or vacations or other occasions. Or you might get more involved in the trans, gender queers, drag, bigender, etc communities as just one aspect of your life. Another broad less 'extreme' step to deal with your gender identity issues is to bring you closer to your target sex. You might tuck, bind, or pack. You might dress more androgynously. You might get optional surgeries like breast reduction or reductions of the adams apple. You might take other steps for your body like hormones or electrolysis. If you've been trying to act like you're biological sex, you might stop!!!!! You might just let yourself be a girlish boy or a boyish girl because you might discover that you could still have lots of friends and a life while still presenting as your biological sex. In fact, you might have much better relationships simply because you will no longer occupy so much of your time trying to be hide something! You might even start telling people you identify far more with your target sex than your biological sex.

Hope those are helpful for some.

With warmth,

Joanna

[keira166]

Here are a series of personal questions and essay prompts that I used to help explore my gender identity. My Therapist found them interesting as well. I pulled the majority of them from other websites. I did not ask permission for their use. Most are general enough that I don't think it will be a problem. Some are a little stereo typical. They tend to more talk to a MTF person as those were the issues I was working through. However, I imagine one could use them with slight variations to work through many different issues. The personal comments after some of the questions are from the author of the questions(not me). I do not specifically endorse the sites they came from, just found them personally helpful. Hope they are for you too:

Thanks Joanna and Dena!  ( I had forgotten to go back here and say thank you, since this was like 2 months ago)  Very helpful

[NikkiC]

Joanna, I guess I am  going to get in trouble for my responce but after reading this it just angers me beyond words.  Orginally I closed the browser and walked away and hours later  with it still heavy on my mind, the passage of time has not changed anything.  I don't know who wrote this but its pure utter BS. There are peple out there who pretend to be your brother or your sister in your struggles but they are not.  Their  goals are less than pristine.

This is a big one -  one of the best questions to help you sort out if you are  really transgendered. Crossdressers tend to naturally move, pose, and act masculinity. When dressed, they have to make an intentional effort to act in a feminine manner.

Oh really? Maybe it is because most Crossdressers don't think of themselves as being females trapped in the body of a male?

Men who are transgendered tend to fall automatically into feminine poses and movement s all of their lives, even back in school. They have learned how to act in a masculine manner, but even with years of effort, they have to constantly monitor their movements to make sure their arms are held "just so," their legs move with authority, and so  on.

No they don't!  BS!  This is not just a myth, but an outright lie.  Don't belive it for a second.  It's subversive BS designed to disenfranchise those who have have or are trying to come to terms with their real selves.  The person who  wrote this might as well have made an equally asinine  assertion that  anyone born without a vagina is not a girl.  Don't belive this BS.  It is not even remotely true.

Why? because guys and girls do it differently?  Yeah, but WHY do they do it differently? Because male and female bodies are built differently at the skeletal level.

And now we have the contradiction.  The confirmation this person is talking out the side of their mouth and actually doesn't have a clude about the subject.  Given this statement,  now can the first assertion be possibly true? Most behavor is learned.  And yes, it follows that because boys and girls are built differently at the skeletal level, they will tend to have characteristics that reflect the body they are in.  Somehow the author thinks the only way one can truly be 'trans' is if their mannerisms are in direct conflict with their skeletal form 'automatically' or 'naturally'.  This is pure utter BS. And I'm pointing it out because there are people out there who are spread crap like this as they are not who and what they say they are.  This is a huge problem in many so called transgender sites.  They pass themselves off as experts on the subject in a fraudulent manner with the intent of causing (F)ear, (U)ncertainty, and (D)oubt in people who are already confused and uncertain about themselves and what they are. To put it bluntly it is an agenda; A campaign; A concentrated effort to spread FUD amongst everyone in the transgendered group.  Some call them trolls, but trolls tend to act alone.  I know this  for an actual fact, as I have  witnessed it.  Just like the hacker group Anonymous is known to create havoc against their targets (and I am not trying to say that Anonymous has anything to do with this, I'm just using them as an example), the intents of these concentrated assaults are designed specifically to spread Fear, Uncertainty and  Doubt to people  with gender identity issues in a effort to disenfranchise them  from the rest of the group as well as to disqualify them as being  what they truly know in their hearts they are.

Joanna, I know you didn't write these things as they are quotes, but I had a urgent need to point this out.  I suspect  there are veteran members of this forum already know or at least suspect this.  My message whether or not it is construed as being true or not is written out of concern and love.  Statements like these  make me fighting mad.  I know of their origin and I know of their ultimate intent.  There a a lot of self-professed experts  in the transgender online community who really don't have a clue as to what it is they are talking about because a they are not who and what they say they are. 

Nikki

[Jacqueline]

NikkiC,

I am so sorry this upset you as much as it did. I think you did a great thing walking away for a bit then coming back to it from there. Thank you for that.

You seem to find more issues in that one paragraph than I recognized. I am sorry. Most of these are sets of questions that when worked through, might help clarify a direction. However, they are from some very different writers. The paragraph that you had problems with was written by Melanie Anne Phillips on her commercial site. I found much of it a little mercenary as well as very stereo typical. I am not sure about the nefarious concepts you feel are prompting and guiding this but it is only part of a series of ideas(I am not sure I agree with them and she comes across a little patronizing but...). None of these can tell you who or what you are. I used them all as panel.

A little over a year ago, I was 50 and only coming to grips with who I am. So, I am relatively speaking, very young in my journey. I was thrashing about and turning in all directions. I did a lot of research for ways to explore in addition to my therapist visits. I started thinking I was a cross dresser. However, after answering as truthfully as I could all of those questions, I started thinking differently. It was not just Phillips' questions but all of them. Truth be told, I was a little skeptical of some of the questions and comments but promised myself to be positive and just be truthful to me and my therapist. I started to find that the general experience and feelings of most cross dressers did not match mine. Mine seemed to align more with transsexuals. At first I thought this could not be the case because I did not "know at an early age". However, I came to realize it is more than just that. I could blather on but you see now how I originally included this in my research. So, when others ask what questions there are, for self exploration, I include my whole package.

I struggled deciding whether to cite each section I quoted. However, I was concerned with the number of links to sites that may not dovetail with our site here. I will try to include each of the authors in the future. I will also check with some of our sites other moderators and administrators. If they agree with your concerns, I will be sure to pull at least that section if not her whole set out.

You only quoted from one paragraph. This leads me to ask, were the other sets okay? Is section 6 of Melanie Anne Phillips the only bad one in that set?

I appreciate your feedback. Believe me when I say I have no intentions of leading others astray and questioning how valid they are.

With warmth,

Joanna

[NikkiC]

NikkiC
I am so sorry this upset you as much as it did. I think you did a great thing walking away for a bit then coming back to it from there. Thank you for that.

Please, call me Nikki :-).  Ohhhh Joanna your response to my response was so sweet. And while I am thinking about it, the name Joanna sounds just so pretty to me!  It is I who am sorry.  I should have just not said anything.  But it was clear after a few hours with it still heavy on my mind and heart, it was something I couldn't just ignore.  But I probably should have. If nothing else comes  from this other than to just raise people's awareness levels then so much the better.

You seem to find more issues in that one paragraph than I recognized. I am sorry. Most of these are sets of questions that when worked through, might help clarify a direction. However, they are from some very different writers. The paragraph that you had problems with was written by Melanie Anne Phillips on her commercial site. I found much of it a little mercenary as well as very stereo typical. I am not sure about the nefarious concepts you feel are prompting and guiding this but it is only part of a series of ideas(I am not sure I agree with them and she comes across a little patronizing but...). None of these can tell you who or what you are. I used them all as panel.

Joanna, I am critical of anything that can be construed as being ambiguous,stereotypical or just plain wrong.   My issue is that a person can struggle a lifetime with coming to grips with their gender identity.  Being in denial, lying to one's self, sweeping it under the rug due to guilt, shame and fear. Those statements placed a very narrow definition over a broad range of people.  And I'm sorry, but gender identity issues have nothing to do with how one acts or looks and everything about how one feels.  I have known guys who were  effeminate, but were totally heterosexual and had no gender identity issues. And girls who were rather masculine, but were totally heterosexual and comfortable with who they were gender wise.  They were  victimized by being stereotyped by others simply for being themselves and not conforming to the expectations placed on them by society.

You only quoted from one paragraph. This leads me to ask, were the other sets okay? Is section 6 of Melanie Anne Phillips the only bad one in that set?

I didn't like the one immediately following either.  When I get angry, it just leaves me drained and exhausted. I become very tired and end up having to lay down.  I just didn't have the energy, nor the presence of mind for futher commentry.   

I appreciate your feedback. Believe me when I say I have no intentions of leading others astray and questioning how valid they are.

OMG Joanna. Nor did I have any intention of leading you or others to believe that this was your intent.  It is I who am sorry for lacking in writing and communication skills that are a requsite to communicating my issues without pointing the finger at you.  This myth will not go away and I grow frustrated from beating a dead horse repeatedly every time I see it pop up.  I see this issue as parallel to an equally stupid argument that a woman is defined by whether she has a uterus, implying a woman by birth who has a hysterectomy is no longer a woman which of course is utterly preposterous.  Or someone who is M->F is not really unless:  "men who are transgenered tend to fall automatically into feminine poses and movements all of their lives" - an equally preposterous and unsubstantiated lie. Think about how hurtful this would be to many girls like yourself, me  and others if this were to be accepted as factual and used as a way to determine if you are truly  M->F.  I hope you are able to see my point of view, but regardless, please accept my humble apologies for not being more clear that my comments were not targeted at you.   

Humbly yours,
Nikki