I didn't think it was ever going to happen. He's conservative. He's espoused views on LGBTQ issues that made it clear he wasn't accepting of "the lifestyle." My sister, who at first seemed like an ally and later became highly critical and negative to the point where we just had to pretend I never said anything to keep a relationship going, insisted that if I told him it would kill him. But it didn't.
I told him that I was transgender when he was in town visiting and he gave me a big reassuring hug and told me he loved me above all else. It wasn't all sunshine and lilies, he certainly clings to the idea that I should maintain the facade of manhood and seek treatment to tame my inclinations but even he admits that that's his knee-jerk reaction. He seemed more concerned about what would happen with my marriage, my daughter and our life together which is only natural as that has been a serious concern of mine as well.
As my sister had once told me that telling my father would kill him, so did he tell me that coming out to my mother would kill her. So for now, we're keeping her in the dark. She's not only conservative, but also deeply religious. Although she didn't know what I was talking about when I mentioned the rainbow after the flood being a convenant between god and man. I feel like she knows
something because she had a 4am chat with me about how wrong it is for a man to lay with another man or a woman to lay with another woman and she's sort of psychic.
Anyway, on some level it felt selfish to force my father to share the burden of my pain but with some introspection this revelation should shed some light on some of the dark parts of our relationship through the years. I think he's suffered along with me this whole long while only before he didn't know why exactly and now he does.
That hug... man, that hug was everything.
