Trigger warning suicide + how others react to this when I share my feelings

[Cindy]

No Hon,


I wont lock it. Have you managed to talk to a good shrink/counsellor I'm not saying that would help but it does sound as if it may be useful.
You sound like where I was many years ago when the despair and life had gone too far. I was lost and no way could I get out by myself.

As we know many transgender people contemplate self harm and suicide. Unfortunately my staff and I deal with it regularly behind the scenes. We do help most and some just never post again - and that hurts.

I have been suicidal and I do know what it is like.

But when you are on the phone to a friend trying to talk them down and she puts a gun in her mouth and blows her head off it puts a different perspective on the right to take your own life.

She didn't end her pain. She passed it on to me, and that was not a nice thing to do.

So do think what suicide means; you are passing your pain on and we need to be certain we have that right.

[JenniferLopezgomez]

No Hon,


I wont lock it. Have you managed to talk to a good shrink/counsellor I'm not saying that would help but it does sound as if it may be useful.
You sound like where I was many years ago when the despair and life had gone too far. I was lost and no way could I get out by myself.

As we know many transgender people contemplate self harm and suicide. Unfortunately my staff and I deal with it regularly behind the scenes. We do help most and some just never post again - and that hurts.

I have been suicidal and I do know what it is like.

But when you are on the phone to a friend trying to talk them down and she puts a gun in her mouth and blows her head off it puts a different perspective on the right to take your own life.

She didn't end her pain. She passed it on to me, and that was not a nice thing to do.

So do think what suicide means; you are passing your pain on and we need to be certain we have that right.

Thanks Cindy! I feel haooy that Admin here at least allows this type of discussion to continue, so long as it is civil as it most assuredly has been to this point I feel.

It sounds like you have helped many with this issue.  I have helped some people too with this issue but it was some time back not recently.
 
I feel that bullying is one of the primary causes of feeling suicidal. Whether this bullying comes from cis people or trans people. I feel is especially awful when it comes from trans people against other trans people -- because we trans ladies are already such a small % of the population like 0.3% or so -- so other trans people should know better since other trans people have likely been bullied themselves either pre-transition or perhaps early in their transitions. Of course for most trans ladies who suffer bullying against them the source of the bullying is likely more frequently bigoted or uninformed cis (non-trans) people.

I do feel that no one can force me to live. That is my own decision to make about my own life.

Thank you for your kind words Cindy.


Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

[V M]

I feel it is healthy and important to talk it out when a person is feeling suicidal, as transgender people we are part of a rather high risk group

[JenniferLopezgomez]

Wow. All you people on high ledges and rooftops. I won't let myself near them because the desire to jump is too strong. I apparently can't even keep harmful substances that would be "easy" as I WILL take them in a moment of...I don't even know. I have to keep stopping myself from buying a bunch of stuff with harmful intent.

I have at least some hope for my future, most aspects of my life have never been better. I'm finding joy and fulfillment in the things I do and relationships I make. I get really excited and happy about where my life may be headed. But holy crap do I like hurting myself. I guess I always have but now when I get all emo I come up with new and inventive ways to do so, and it makes me feel better, wtf is THAT?

I push the boundaries and experiment with doing things that aren't determinedly suicidal, but there's some hope that it works out that way, and if not then at least I hurt myself a bit, and expanded my knowledge of...what do you even call it, death-skirting activities, and their effects? The last one has left me nauseous weak and dizzy since Sunday. The nausea part sucks, the rest is kind of nice. It feels kind of like having one foot in the grave or something. It's a feeling that competes with the things I don't want to feel.

I don't want to hurt the people kind enough to care about me, I don't want to die, I don't want to cripple myself, and I don't want to live this life or be me anymore.

I guess it all comes down to having allowed myself to entertain blatantly self harmful thoughts and it just keeps escalating, but that cognitive behavioral crap doesn't work. I -dont- love and accept myself, saying it doesn't make me feel better. It just buys me 5 or 10 minutes of willful denial. The only thing that ever makes me feel better is doing something self destructive, or simply not feeling due to unconsciousness.

At this point I think I'm freaking out the people that care about me whenever I let any of this show, and causing them to begin distancing themselves emotionally to protect themselves. Or it gets tiring dealing with crazy people. Either way :p

Seriously though I've got to end this cycle I'm in, it's escalating entirely too far and is self-reinforcing it seems. How the hell did I get here?

Bleh I don't know what the point of this post is except to whine. If you mods decide it crosses a line just edit my post to be puppies and kittens, don't lock the thread please.

Hi dear, thank you for being so open with your feelings.

It sounds to me like you get emotional good feelings through thrill seeking. It sounds like you like me maybe we don't always value our lives particularly highly and perhaps we both accept our own mortality so we care little whether we live or not. I would just say to you -- be careful in the sense that I feel that living is usually going to be the right decision and the death decision is rather permanent. So, glad you are mostly enjoying your life. I mostly am, as well.  Take care dear.

Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

[JenniferLopezgomez]

I feel it is healthy and important to talk it out when a person is feeling suicidal, as transgender people we are part of a rather high risk group

Indeed VM. About 82% of us seriously think about it, and about 42% of us actually attempt it at least once. I agree it should be discussable, in polite ways, in trans groups. Unfortunately it usually isn't allowed, as my 2 recent bannings will attest to. It is good that this thread is, to this point anyway, being super politely conducted and permitted to continue. This is very helpful to me and likely helpful to others as well.

Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

[JenniferLopezgomez]

Hi Jennifer,


I've wanted to be female for as long as I can remember, but I would always just tell myself that I have greater priorities and just ignored my innate desires. This self-abdication and resulting low valuation of my life, also made me long consider suicide. 9 months ago, though, I realized this wasn't a tenable course, and since then I've progressively incorporated my gender into my life, and as result, I haven't thought about suicide at all.

The reason I think I'm not suicidal anymore, but the rejection of others, after you were open with your feelings, is causing you to consider suicide, is because I'm very scrupulous about the ideas I value. For instance, if someone says something transphobic, I will question them, and if their argument is clearly false, I won't value their argument, and if they don't want to accept a more logical argument, I won't care about what they think about the subject. 

I'm not sure what people are telling you that is making you feel rejected (is it just about the subject of euthanasia and some people referring to you as male, or something else?), but if you would like to talk about it here, maybe we can look at all sides of the argument, in order to build the requisite conviction, or change of perception, to not feel suicidal post-acceptance. As long as you're happy and productive, I promise I won't tell you what you are doing is wrong.

Hi Autumn, Super post honey and very accurate about the "low-life valuation" aspect. Im doing super well as full time beautiful Jennifer 24 7 at work, social, shopping and all else...but you are right I put a low value on my life so I dont care strongly how much longer I live and I fully accept my own mortality. Sure I avoid being raped, avoid bad neighborhoods at night, and so on but I don't really care either way in the medium and long term whether I am here or not. It really doesn't make much difference in the world for me.

The other things you said are excellent. I prepared a much longer reply to you but I dont know whether the website here timed out on me or my computer had a glitch but I lost about an hour long letter response I just prepared for you. Now I have various work and rest commitments so I will have to re-prepare my more details reply to you shortly, probably this will be within about 24 hours or so.

Hugs,
Jennifer lopezgomez

[V M]

Yes, I am quite well aware of the stats and the main point is to keep the conversation civil and on topic so those who may possibly be at risk have the benefit of finding help and understanding

It may surprise you as to how many have actually attempted and who among us is struggling with suicidal ideation, for some people it can be a daily struggle

Naturally it is important to seek professional help but also talking it out with others in a civilized group setting can be very important as well

It is actually most dangerous when a person who is known to entertain suicidal ideation stops or even refuses to discuss their feelings

[Midnightstar]

I have drastically reduced my online posting it mostly isn't worth the aggravation. I mostly read and chat privately. Sometimes I still share some happy things online like photos. A little bit I share some sad things online. This thread is about a sad subject, so now for the rest of this post TRIGGER WARNING SUICIDE thoughts and how this is treated in many trans groups and by many people.
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I've been banned recently from a couple of large trans groups for rather ooenly describing how I feel about myself and my own suicide. Not any other person except myself, and with trigger warnings. I find this rather dismaying since about 42% of trans women ACTUALLY attempt suicide and about 82% of trans women seriously consider suicide at some point or points in their lives. So it's highly relevant to nearly all trans girls, and at least for myself I find talking honestly about it helps. I've read that some studies show that talking about it openly can help many people but I am no medical expert so I won't speak for others I will speak only for myself.
So, despite being seriously considered at some point or points in their life by about 82% of trans women, it seems to be a heavily taboo topic in most trans groups which I feel is rather contradictory.
My eventual death is more likely to come from my own suicide than from natural causes. For example, I won't tolerate being gravely ill for any significant amount of time I will simply choose my own date of death. From my viewpoint this is actually quite rational for ME but maybe not for any other person. I only speak for myself.
Would I kill myself for financial reasons if I were to ever find myself out on the street without realistic hope of rapidly finding some reasonable form of shelter ? You bet I would seriously consider this. Yes. Just step in front of a truck.
I almost did my own suicide in 2015 due to an awful lot of bullying against me, mostly about my physical appearance and people intentionally calling me a "man" even though it is well-known that I am legally female on my USA passport, that I have lived full time female for some time now, and all my clothes are quite girly. Well, those people who did that against me in 2015 and I also had it happen against me in 2014 earlier in my transition, well they almost succeeded in their apparent goal of getting me to do my own suicide. Bullying KILLS via suicide and murders. Many people give lip service against bullying but then either do bullying themselves or condone bullying by others or turn a blind eye.
I'll post this thread in a couple or few groups. It might get deleted or I might get banned from more groups. I don't care much anymore. I don't really need to post in trans groups much if at all now anyway. My real life as full-time Jennifer among cis people as a WOMAN not a trans woman is actually mostly going spectacularly well in nearly all aspects right now.
I now share much less of the positive details of my real life on the Intrnet because I have found that too many people use my positive life details to directly harm me or my reoutation in some major ways. So I now keep my currently significant major successes as day to day 24 7 Jennifer to a close circle privately of close friends and in this way I avoid emotional harm to me inflicted against me by others when I used to share most of my daily life details very publicly. NO MORE it is way too harmful to me to do so even when I report super positive stuff that happens to me in my daily life. I have a wealth of experience and expertise especially in doing a full transition to womanhood in an international environment across multiple continents. But because I have been so severely emotionally harmed by my former habit of rather completely and openly sharing my private life stuff and feelings and events, now only a very small number of closer friends hear about the details of some major successes I am having as full time 24 7 Jennifer.
I always retain the option to do my suicide at any time during my life. Likely I WILL die via suicide rather than natural causes -- I just don't know if it will be in 1 month or in 10 years -- the date remains to be seen. xx

Speaking your mind, that is all you ever need to do in this world hence my profile quote.
You posting this is something that can help a lot of people websites have a tendency to do things their ways
and not look at both sides of the story's or open their ears to listen to something instead of Instantly deleting it without consideration of the meaning for it to be posted. I'm glad to see you're posting this i'm glad to see you're able to bring awareness and speak about it also. However, i think you're safe here. Actually iv'e always wondered about if i should speak up about my Experiences but I always thought that if I went into deep into my own experiences that is very possible somebody would delete it or make a mockery out of it. That's what I get for being cyber bullied for most of my life, I always have that constant fear even when that fear isn't necessarily something that will happen and if it isn't fear it becomes paranoia a paranoia that's hard for some to understand. I relate to what you said(even if its (a difference in the story's) and I can understand I'm somebody who also like many have had suicide attempts.
It was only this year that I actually was lucky enough I lived what i did didn't kill me I never actually did the full attempt not until this year and lucky, i faild when i tried.
I think sharing stories like this is very important I think it helps other people relate and it helps other people realize it also helps people understand that people care.
I'm sorry if I might not of understood everything you posted I have trouble reading long posts but I need to respond I need to respond for my own feelings and reasons and I could type why but I don't feel like I really have to. Thank you for this post is all i can say. And your courage to speak your mind is awesome never stop is a great way to go always speak out.

[JenniferLopezgomez]

Yes, I am quite well aware of the stats and the main point is to keep the conversation civil and on topic so those who may possibly be at risk have the benefit of finding help and understanding

It may surprise you as to how many have actually attempted and who among us is struggling with suicidal ideation, for some people it can be a daily struggle

Naturally it is important to seek professional help but also talking it out with others in a civilized group setting can be very important as well

It is actually most dangerous when a person who is known to entertain suicidal ideation stops or even refuses to discuss their feelings

Oh I know it can be a daily struggle for many trans ladies because I myself have had this last for multiple-day time periods. Plus some of my trans friends have told me privately their similar feelings over multiple days.

Actually VM it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn of many here who have in the past actually attempted it, because 42% of us trans ladies actually have attempted it at least once. That's nearly half of us. That's kinda scary.

I agree with you wholeheartedly that silence from someone with imminent risk is high risk. +1 to your reputation for this observation.

This is also why I feel so dismayed to get banned and silenced in some trans groups for bringing up my feelings as they relate to ME and no other person on the subject of suicide.

Hugs
Jennifer xx

[JenniferLopezgomez]

Speaking your mind, that is all you ever need to do in this world hence my profile quote.
You posting this is something that can help a lot of people websites have a tendency to do things their ways
and not look at both sides of the story's or open their ears to listen to something instead of Instantly deleting it without consideration of the meaning for it to be posted. I'm glad to see you're posting this i'm glad to see you're able to bring awareness and speak about it also. However, i think you're safe here. Actually iv'e always wondered about if i should speak up about my Experiences but I always thought that if I went into deep into my own experiences that is very possible somebody would delete it or make a mockery out of it. That's what I get for being cyber bullied for most of my life, I always have that constant fear even when that fear isn't necessarily something that will happen and if it isn't fear it becomes paranoia a paranoia that's hard for some to understand. I relate to what you said(even if its (a difference in the story's) and I can understand I'm somebody who also like many have had suicide attempts.
It was only this year that I actually was lucky enough I lived what i did didn't kill me I never actually did the full attempt not until this year and lucky, i faild when i tried.
I think sharing stories like this is very important I think it helps other people relate and it helps other people realize it also helps people understand that people care.
I'm sorry if I might not of understood everything you posted I have trouble reading long posts but I need to respond I need to respond for my own feelings and reasons and I could type why but I don't feel like I really have to. Thank you for this post is all i can say. And your courage to speak your mind is awesome never stop is a great way to go always speak out.

Sir you have complete comprehension of my feelings. We meld.

Our details might be a bit different, but our overall feelings and intuition are nearly identical.

+1 to your reputation for your courage to speak out here. I feel your fear of rejection for doing so, yet you have done so. That takes LOTS of courage sir. Please continue to go for your own happiness.

Sadly I can no longer speak out as much as previously as I have been emotionally torpedoed and attacked by too many people over too long a time period and my emotional happiness and emotional survival system cannot tolerate any more of this. So I won't change my new approach that I've used recently which is a MUCH reduced online public presence. THIS thread represents a current exception for me.

I will continue to share quite openly and politely in THIS thread even if you don't hear much from me at all anymore outside of this thread other than an occasional photo of beautiful Jennifer.

By the way, I am close to being able to afford my boob job to DD cup or DDD cup. Just have to save up a wee bit more money.     

[Midnightstar]

Sir you have complete comprehension of my feelings. We meld.

Our details might be a bit different, but our overall feelings and intuition are nearly identical.

+1 to your reputation for your courage to speak out here. I feel your fear of rejection for doing so, yet you have done so. That takes LOTS of courage sir. Please continue to go for your own happiness.

Sadly I can no longer speak out as much as previously as I have been emotionally torpedoed and attacked by too many people over too long a time period and my emotional happiness and emotional survival system cannot tolerate any more of this. So I won't change my new approach that I've used recently which is a MUCH reduced online public presence. THIS thread represents a current exception for me.

I will continue to share quite openly and politely in THIS thread even if you don't hear much from me at all anymore outside of this thread other than an occasional photo of beautiful Jennifer.

By the way, I am close to being able to afford my boob job to DD cup or DDD cup. Just have to save up a wee bit more money.     

Congrats on being able to afford that soon
And do what's comfortable for you, but please don't let the people pushing you down take away that happiness
you know the people who hurt me pushed me down so far it took up until a couple days ago to find that same courage again. So i understand ( I was the target of cyber bullying form 12 years old until 16 and then dealt with server problems for years until i said something, and the road didn't end but it sure made me stronger. It i hope it did/helped you too in a weird way idk how to put it.)

[LizK]

Oh I know it can be a daily struggle for many trans ladies because I myself have had this last for multiple-day time periods. Plus some of my trans friends have told me privately their similar feelings over multiple days.

Actually VM it wouldn't surprise me at all to learn of many here who have in the past actually attempted it, because 42% of us trans ladies actually have attempted it at least once. That's nearly half of us. That's kinda scary.

I agree with you wholeheartedly that silence from someone with imminent risk is high risk. +1 to your reputation for this observation.

This is also why I feel so dismayed to get banned and silenced in some trans groups for bringing up my feelings as they relate to ME and no other person on the subject of suicide.

Hugs
Jennifer xx

In the very early part of learning to come to terms with who I was...bearing in mind I have only reached a point of self acceptance over the course of the last year. But During this time suicidal idealization was with me every day for the first 6 months. As I progressed through the hugely difficult stage we all have of coming to terms with ourselves I would think I had reached a great point only to have it torn down with this kind of "Broken" thinking.

This has reduced now to maybe once or twice a month and no longer my first "go-to" solution.

I think you are right, many trans ladies suffer this as they progress along their path,when I could see real progress it made Suicide far less attractive. I guess part of the trouble is when you are feeling like that, reaching out is the furtherest thing from your mind. Its a nasty double edged sword...

Liz

[Asche]

It may surprise you as to how many have actually attempted and who among us is struggling with suicidal ideation, for some people it can be a daily struggle

(Raises hand)

I never made any actual attempts, but for many years in childhood, suicidal ideation, including coming up with realistic and reliable plans, was my only friend and my only support when facing yet another day of being always in the wrong.  I couldn't talk about either the ideation or my misery with anyone, because they'd simply explain how it was really my fault.  I now think that the ideation was my way of comforting myself that there was, indeed, a way out if things got worse than I could bear.  (Of course, I would have to succeed because if I got caught failing, I knew they'd really punish and guilt-trip me.)

The ideation has never really gone away.  Whenever things get tough or I get tired and discouraged, I slide back into that pit and suicidal ideation, like a teddy bear you've had since childhood and whose fake fur is rubbed bare almost everywhere, is the one companion who never abandons me.

Actually, even now, the majority of people will react to any expression of being miserable with rationalizations as to why it's your fault.  I guess it's one way of pushing away just how horrible things can be for some people.

[DawnOday]

Jennifer.  You, we, all of us, have a purpose. Whether it be to educate, inform, share our experience. Now that you have suicide off your chest you can do what you were meant to do. Live your life and don't worry how others perceive you. Wouldn't that be the best revenge?  Having been near death a couple times, I realized what a precious gift life really is. If you kill yourself the ignorant will remain ignorant, the pious will continue to misread the Bible. The hypocrites will have no opposition.  I hope that if you consider euthanasia you'll be around 80 years old. What I have witnessed in the last few months is that a lack of a national presence makes our voices seem insignificant. Just remember there are 5 million members of the NRA. Look what they have been able to accomplish. There are at least a couple million of us, if we present as one unified voice we can change the perception.  www.transequality.org.  Because the right wing does not understand or want us is why all this state action is taking place. Because they know if it is a National Referendum they will fail.

[Peep]

(Raises hand)

I never made any actual attempts, but for many years in childhood, suicidal ideation, including coming up with realistic and reliable plans, was my only friend and my only support when facing yet another day of being always in the wrong.  I couldn't talk about either the ideation or my misery with anyone, because they'd simply explain how it was really my fault.  I now think that the ideation was my way of comforting myself that there was, indeed, a way out if things got worse than I could bear.  (Of course, I would have to succeed because if I got caught failing, I knew they'd really punish and guilt-trip me.)

The ideation has never really gone away.  Whenever things get tough or I get tired and discouraged, I slide back into that pit and suicidal ideation, like a teddy bear you've had since childhood and whose fake fur is rubbed bare almost everywhere, is the one companion who never abandons me.

Actually, even now, the majority of people will react to any expression of being miserable with rationalizations as to why it's your fault.  I guess it's one way of pushing away just how horrible things can be for some people.

This this this

plus i feel like the people around me would take my transition more seriously if they knew how bad it made me feel, but the thought of telling them how unhappy i've been for the past 13 years is a pile of nope... so i'm stuck between making light of my situation so i don't upset anyone, but also really wanting it to be taken seriously.

[DarkWolf_7]

Makes me think back to the fact that I have always felt that I couldn't really share my experience. It's hard because I feel my suicidal thoughts have been a big part of my trans* experience and it isn't something I can separate. It was hard when I was 13 and I didn't know the reasoning behind my depression and it's hard now. Personally it is just mostly dysphoria not other's reactions, though I certainly can see how that makes something 100 times worse. I see studies pointing out how support really helps and lack of support is crushing, like of course it does, but apparently it still has to be pointed out. But if it can't be discussed in places like this I'm not sure where.

At least for me I can't discuss in real life with people who care about me and most everywhere else people act like it's no big deal (as in playing down the fact that people can feel suicidal). I have lied and pretended that suicidal thoughts have stopped coming to me for a long time even though it's more like I was just more actively planning it as young teen. Now it just comes every now and if it can't be discussed then it just another thing to be internalized.

[JenniferLopezgomez]

Jennifer.  You, we, all of us, have a purpose. Whether it be to educate, inform, share our experience. Now that you have suicide off your chest you can do what you were meant to do. Live your life and don't worry how others perceive you. Wouldn't that be the best revenge?  Having been near death a couple times, I realized what a precious gift life really is. If you kill yourself the ignorant will remain ignorant, the pious will continue to misread the Bible. The hypocrites will have no opposition.  I hope that if you consider euthanasia you'll be around 80 years old. What I have witnessed in the last few months is that a lack of a national presence makes our voices seem insignificant. Just remember there are 5 million members of the NRA. Look what they have been able to accomplish. There are at least a couple million of us, if we present as one unified voice we can change the perception.  www.transequality.org.  Because the right wing does not understand or want us is why all this state action is taking place. Because they know if it is a National Referendum they will fail.

+1 to your reputation for this message Dawn. I don't know the age for my own euthanasia but it is likely. As for now I'm in great health looking fab fem.

My greatest joy right now comes from flirting strongly with MEN. Many trans and non-trans people might disagree with this, or that I dress much younger than my actual age.

You know what ? So bleeping what, what those who disapprove of this think. It is MY life not theirs.

I can have intimate sexual relationships with as many adult men as we both agree with this.

I have many dozens of online men who say they want me for their wife, from all over the world...men from developed countries such as USA, Canada, UK, France to men from developing countries such as Morocco, Algeria, Saudi Arabia, India, and various countries in Latin America and those men I speak Spanish with.

I have many hundreds of followers online most of them men.

Due to all of THIS some trans women have unfriended me. So what. MY happiness in life is more important than the opiniom of various trans women on my style of dress and rather outrageous flirting with hundreds of men.

I have thoroughly enjoyed intimate sexual relationships with more than 40 adult men since I have lived full time 24 7 as beautiful sexy Jennifer.

So I will continue to be much less involved in trans groups.

I WILL share tasteful photos of my likely shortly upcoming DD cups boobies.

And out of all of this, I have many men to choose from to be my husband and wherein I will be his housewife.

Some trans women and non-trans women might disparage me for taking a traditional housewife role and accepting the dominance of whichever man becomes my husband in not too long. I don't bleeping care anymore. MY happiness as full time beautiful Jennifer is MUCH more important to me than the opinions of some people who disagree that I should satisfy my man sexually in whatever way he orders me.

Jennifer xx

[autumn08]

+1 to your reputation for this message Dawn. I don't know the age for my own euthanasia but it is likely. As for now I'm in great health looking fab fem.

My greatest joy right now comes from flirting strongly with MEN. Many trans and non-trans people might disagree with this, or that I dress much younger than my actual age.

You know what ? So bleeping what, what those who disapprove of this think. It is MY life not theirs.

I can have intimate sexual relationships with as many adult men as we both agree with this.

I have many dozens of online men who say they want me for their wife, from all over the world...men from developed countries such as USA, Canada, UK, France to men from developing countries such as Morocco, Algeria, Saudi Arabia, India, and various countries in Latin America and those men I speak Spanish with.

I have many hundreds of followers online most of them men.

Due to all of THIS some trans women have unfriended me. So what. MY happiness in life is more important than the opiniom of various trans women on my style of dress and rather outrageous flirting with hundreds of men.

I have thoroughly enjoyed intimate sexual relationships with more than 40 adult men since I have lived full time 24 7 as beautiful sexy Jennifer.

So I will continue to be much less involved in trans groups.

I WILL share tasteful photos of my likely shortly upcoming DD cups boobies.

And out of all of this, I have many men to choose from to be my husband and wherein I will be his housewife.

Some trans women and non-trans women might disparage me for taking a traditional housewife role and accepting the dominance of whichever man becomes my husband in not too long. I don't bleeping care anymore. MY happiness as full time beautiful Jennifer is MUCH more important to me than the opinions of some people who disagree that I should satisfy my man sexually in whatever way he orders me.

Jennifer xx

Jennifer,


If you believe what you're doing is more important than the negative criticisms you've received, why do you consider suicide? Also, to try a different approach, what would need to change in your life so didn't feel there is an impending juncture, where you will prefer death to life?

[IdontEven]

It sounds to me like you get emotional good feelings through thrill seeking. It sounds like you like me maybe we don't always value our lives particularly highly and perhaps we both accept our own mortality so we care little whether we live or not. I would just say to you -- be careful in the sense that I feel that living is usually going to be the right decision and the death decision is rather permanent. So, glad you are mostly enjoying your life. I mostly am, as well.  Take care dear.

Hugs,
Jennifer Lopezgomez

The good parts really are good, I'm glad you get some of that too. As for me, I'll admit to the thrill-seeking, but I think that's a different thing. Maybe not, I don't know. But the rest, yes, I don't value myself or my life at all. The decision to die is permanent, and at times that can be part of the allure. A permanent fix to things that have been permanently broken, and not just some more time spent ignoring or denying it? Yes, please.

I was recently sent a very moving text message by a friend. The gist was that I affect the lives of those around me, and if I go it will leave empty, cavernous spaces that can't ever be filled. And how it would be me saying I don't care about how others feel and being more concerned with a permanent solution to temporary feelings. Which, it's all arguments I've heard before, but it was worded in a really eloquent, almost poetic way and seemed to imply they care for me a lot, which means a lot to me. That sort of stuff is the one thing that makes me feel good.

I still want to freaking hurt myself, though. I just wish it didn't hurt other people.

No Hon,


I wont lock it. Have you managed to talk to a good shrink/counsellor I'm not saying that would help but it does sound as if it may be useful.
You sound like where I was many years ago when the despair and life had gone too far. I was lost and no way could I get out by myself.

As we know many transgender people contemplate self harm and suicide. Unfortunately my staff and I deal with it regularly behind the scenes. We do help most and some just never post again - and that hurts.

I have been suicidal and I do know what it is like.

But when you are on the phone to a friend trying to talk them down and she puts a gun in her mouth and blows her head off it puts a different perspective on the right to take your own life.

She didn't end her pain. She passed it on to me, and that was not a nice thing to do.

So do think what suicide means; you are passing your pain on and we need to be certain we have that right.

That is a truly awful story, I'm so sorry that happened to you. There's so much wrong there.

I talk to a few trained professionals regularly, and I've made use of other resources during a couple times of desperation, but none of that really helps me feel better. It just gives me ways to ignore the problem/buy time until I don't feel so agonized. But it doesn't fix the source of the problem, which I guess is me.

Either my docs suck or I don't know how to use them properly or put the right effort in or something, I don't know. I guess I don't practice the right...eh I don't remember what they're called, thinking strategies or whatever. I see ways to hurt myself in pretty much everything I look at, instead of appreciating any particular aspect or thinking any sort of positive thought.

I mean, it's not like it's intentional, I just randomly think "Hey, I bet I could use X to do Y". But I suppose fixing that sort of mentality requires effort, which I can't seem to maintain when I really need it. It's so easy to slip back into the negative stuff without realizing it, and then lose any willpower to try and fix it; it's like the swamp of sadness. Have I made that reference here yet? GG Never-ending Story, you made a lot of afternoons in my childhood way darker than they needed to be :p

Anyways, thank you all for your contributions to this thread, it's nice to know other people are, or have been, in the same boat I am.

[JenniferLopezgomez]

Jennifer,


If you believe what you're doing is more important than the negative criticisms you've received, why do you consider suicide? Also, to try a different approach, what would need to change in your life so didn't feel there is an impending juncture, where you will prefer death to life?

Great point Autumn. I've made even more changes in the last week or so, mostly online. My real life is already going very well at the moment. In online places I am simply doing what I enjoy (outrageous sexy flirting with many men regardless of what many women think about that) and medium amount of Girl-Talk private chat with trans female friends and much more limited public posting in trans groups. My day to day real life work is going great as 24 7 full time beautiful Jennifer.

I might be able to get married sometime soon as many men have shown interest in this -- just might have to re-locate again to do this. If not anytime soon in real life, that's okay too.

My next major project is to get DD or DDD boob surgery, and I may very well have enough money for this by the end of this month of June -- even without help from a man. 

Although, getting some help from a man to help me pay for part of my boobie surgery would make it so I wouldn;t have to spend ALL of my money to get the boob job.

The boob job is so important to me, though, that even if I don't get help from a man, I will do it all on my own just as soon as I can afford it which is likely the end of THIS month.....wow!

Even if this puts me at flat broke. I don't give a damn. I am not 20 years old anymore. SEIZE THE DAY GET MY BIG BOOBS FOR EVEN MORE HAPPINESS EVEN IF IT MAKES ME flat broke for a couple of months.

Jennifer xx