I want to Transition but can picture it

[julia64]

Hi All,  I have been seeing a gender therapist for a few months now and have made a lot of progress down my Gender Journey.  Lately I have been almost certain I want to transition but I have a hard time picturing it happening, i have a hard time seeing myself being referred to by my female name even though that is what I want. 

5 to 7 years ago I almost reached this point too before putting barriers up in my own head and completely reverting back to male repressing and gender identity issues, then when I got married and had a kid they dysphoria hit me like a truck doing 150 km/h.  I am afraid that I am putting up a barrier again and do not know how to get through it. I just want to be happy being myself and it seems like a no win situation.  I guess this is all part of the process, but I feel the need to express myself and feelings to others.  I just do not know what to do or how to proceed.  I am afraid of regretting my decisions whatever they end up being.

Cheers,
Julia

[cindianna_jones]

You are seeing a therapists. That is good. Just go with the flow for now. Get involved in the discussions here. You'll figure it out.

[Dena]

Some people handle the transition like a light switch where it's off or on. Others use the dimmer approach where they experiment with part time.Get a few outfits, work on your appearance and try a few outings and live a little of the life. You should discover that once you are out the door, it isn't that difficult and you will have more information to make a judgement with. If you are still uncomfortable, you have lost little for the knowledge you gained.

[StillAnonymous]

I think it is a difficult thing to picture.  We've been living our entire lives the way we have, and many of us have been resisting and rejecting it as much as we can before we cave in.  I mostly moved on because it was beginning to interfere with my life in more negative ways compared to simply doing it, and I figured that I was going to do it anyways... why wait 20 years?  What am I waiting for?  Am I waiting for friends and family to die?  It sounded even more crazy than just doing it.

Transitioning still sounds crazy, and I'm already 6 months in, but it has affected me in the most positive ways so far.

[sigsi]

I would definitely agree with Dena in regards to getting some outfits, trying it out for a while and seeing what happens / how you feel about it. If something feels off, don't feel like you have to push it.
I had a barrier like you mentioned when I was younger. After years of fighting, I eventually crashed. I knew I didn't feel female, but male felt "off". I had to ask myself which pronouns and perceived presentation bothered me more, it turns out they both bothered me (note: I'm agender).
In regards to your statement of "I am afraid of regretting my decisions whatever they end up being." If you feel there is even the slightest chance you will regret not trying to live life as Julia, then try it out in the world and see how it goes. You can always change things up if something feels "off".
Congratulations on being in therapy by the way, that is definitely a good step Best wishes.

[JoanneB]

If you aren't a big fan of change as I am. Or someone with a ton of Shame, Guilt and internalized transphobia, as I was. Or someone with very little self esteem or self confidence as I was (or still am to some extent)? Or someone with a very well established 'Male" life like I have. Life as a woman is indeed a difficult thing to imagine. Oh yeah... and that little repercussions thingy when switching teams, with totally upsetting everyone in your life image of you as a person and all the fallout from that.

A good question to ask is "Just what are your devils?".

I 'Experimented' with transitioning twice in my early 20's. Both times were utter fails. I never lost that "Some guy in a dress" feeling. In hindsight I was ill equipped to even think I could do it, much less actually try to. I had a lot of baggage.

If you haven't been to any TG support group, I highly recommend finding one. Though I knew w/o doubt I was trans for like all my life. Knew about all there was about 'Being' TG. Actually tried walking the walk twice before. I was still in a state of shock during my first meeting sitting in a room filled with people saying almost exactly every feeling I had.

Over the past 7 years I've been going, we've had many newbies come. Scared, feeling hopeless, lost. I've seen many soon make the leap to full-time within a few months or somewhat longer.

Rather then worry about making your 'Leap' (IMHO if you needed to, you would have), ask what is that you need to do Today to better manage the GD. It may be something far simpler like shopping for some nice outfits to .... maybe present as female for your therapist? Likely you can change clothes there in the toilet or other if you ask.

For myself, presenting as female to my support group was no big thing, it was safe. I was among family. It took about a year plus an additional 6 weeks of anguish, Pro-Con lists and worry before deciding to take the great leap of faith of presenting as Joanne for my therapist. The last time I presented as female in the full light of day was some 30 some years prior. Within an hour or two of leaving his office I was reveling in the shear joy of being out in the real world as the real me doing everything I would normally be doing on that Friday afternoon plus an unplanned trip to the mall.

[kaitylynn]

I began transitioning back in the 90's and it was too much at the time with everything else that was going on in life.  I feared that I could not put the effort required to present a perfect picture to the outside world.  I can remember being nearly petrified at times that I would not pass and would be seen.  I was in my 20's, fresh off a divorce and a newly singled parent raising my two daughter alone.  EVERYTHING was a big d3eal, so I stopped and shifted in to a more androgynous role that would get me through the next 20 years.

During that time, I had horrible bouts with dysphoria and near crippling depression.  For me, I finally reached a point where it simply does not matter what I picture, transition is not an option.  HRT is having its way with my body and mind now and I am really happy that I have started.  For that, I truly wish I had experimented more with my feminine presentation as now I realize that the fears I had related to being out and visible were, for the most part, unfounded.

If you have the time now to check things out, my advice would be to take advantage of it and see what your feelings are.  The experience will not be something you lament later, even if you decide that transition is not the path proper for who you are.  My therapist began pointing out to me how i was willing to surrender everything to help someone else out while never giving myself that same time.  Once it came time to actually begin the process in earnest, we both sighed relief.  Waste not your time with fears as they will never uncover your truth.

No matter what, remember that you are never alone!