My sanity or my Love?

[Jordan]

Officially I have lost the love of my life. My fiance of 10 years...

She says we havent been happy for along time, and Now I have driven her into the arms of someone else.

She never could accept me going fulltime, it just ate at her soul.  She supported me emotionally through most of the early parts of transistion like finding clothes, hormones, etc but Full Time Killed my relationship.

I told her 9 years ago I was Transgendered, proposed 5 years ago, went full-time about 18 months ago.. This was along time building up, and I thought she would eventually accept it as We were together for over a DECADE!

But after FT she couldn't even be in public with me, look at me for too long, or it was a million tears for the man she lost and the life she should have instead...

We never recovered from it, and I lost the only thing I really cared about in my life.
All I wanted was for her to want to be with me for who I really am.
It was flawed to think she would ever be able to accept that, love goes to your core, and if that love is wrong to you then you will never be right inside.

You absolutely cannot force someone to be LESBIAN/GAY anymore than you can force a Transgendered person to be the gender they are not..

My advice to all SO's is if you are flexible on your sexuality then you can maybe make it work, but If your very very straight and set on what you need then your only delaying the inevitable...

Which is a painful end that every person Ive ever talked too told me would happen..

[gnb984]

Hi Jordan

Your story made me so sad- I feel your pain - except our situations are reversed.

I was not with my partner even close to as long as you- but we wanted to settle down and start a life together- much of that at the suggestion and eagerness of my partner.

When he ( now she) came out to me it was really sudden and somewhat unexpected. I had some of the emotions of your ex- having a hard time watching the guy I loved disappear . I'm talking a couple days of this tho- not years. Opposite of your situation she left me soon after before I had any time to cope. Sad thing is- I really want to be with her. Sexually I can be flexible and I'm not ashamed to be "lesbians" or whatever. Unfortunately she has completely isolated from me and I am so lost and heartbroken when she was the love of my life. I feel some of those feelings like maybe I can't make her happy because she will want to be with men- I don't even know if that's the case- but it's almost like the opposite of how you  are sad that you have to decide between being your true self and the fact that your partner still  wants a Herero relationship.

I totally agree with you- to me love is what's in the core of who someone is . But everyone is entitled to their own opinions. I think it is really unfair and cruel to stay with you for that many years... If it wasn't ok with her. That doesn't take 10 years to figure out. A lot of other SO on here - even if they have different views about their sexual flexibility than I do- at least seem to be honest with their partner if they will be able to handle the transition. I'm sorry that she abandoned you after so long.

I think on both sides there's gonna be tough times for SO and their partners - and both sides need to understand that. It sounds like you gave her way more than enough time to cope. I admire that you wanted to stay committed to your relationship- I wish I had the same because I miss her everyday.

I hope you find something to smile about soon. <3

[DawnOday]

My wife and I were together for 7 years married for 3. She found out early. It was not something I did overtly. But subtle things like dressing when she was at work. Coming home to find the lipstick didn't fully come off. Mascara and red eyes from rubbing.  I began to distance myself from her at a time when our relationship was really fragile. Then I heard the most distressing news I had ever received. Even more than finding out Mom and Dad had died. "I love you but I'm not in love with you."  I've been hating myself for 37 years for what I did to us. That is why getting answers is so important to me. I still feel she deserves an explanation. Some would say, "Just let it be" after all she has been remarried for 32 years. The problem is I never fell out of love with her. I do understand she has her life to live. But I do believe she really loved me and I forced her hand.

[PrincessButtercup]

Officially I have lost the love of my life. My fiance of 10 years...

She says we havent been happy for along time, and Now I have driven her into the arms of someone else.

She never could accept me going fulltime, it just ate at her soul.  She supported me emotionally through most of the early parts of transistion like finding clothes, hormones, etc but Full Time Killed my relationship.

I told her 9 years ago I was Transgendered, proposed 5 years ago, went full-time about 18 months ago.. This was along time building up, and I thought she would eventually accept it as We were together for over a DECADE!

But after FT she couldn't even be in public with me, look at me for too long, or it was a million tears for the man she lost and the life she should have instead...

We never recovered from it, and I lost the only thing I really cared about in my life.
All I wanted was for her to want to be with me for who I really am.
It was flawed to think she would ever be able to accept that, love goes to your core, and if that love is wrong to you then you will never be right inside.

You absolutely cannot force someone to be LESBIAN/GAY anymore than you can force a Transgendered person to be the gender they are not..

My advice to all SO's is if you are flexible on your sexuality then you can maybe make it work, but If your very very straight and set on what you need then your only delaying the inevitable...

Which is a painful end that every person Ive ever talked too told me would happen..

I think if more folks were honest with themselves, they would admit this happens quite a bit. My husband and I have been together for over 7 years. We've been married for 4. Until a week after our anniversary this year, I never knew he crossdressed when he was home alone. And not in a million years would I have ever guessed he was anywhere on the trans spectrum. I'm not lesbian, gay, or even bi-curious. My husband has come to realize he's non-binary. That's a good thing for us because if it had been sorted out that he was transfemale, we'd already be divorced. It's hard enough for me to accept that any of this exists under my roof, but to have to witness it day in and day out, I couldn't do it because I have zero attraction to women or even effeminate men. I was very clear to him that I married a man and I expect a man in my life. He's free to do whatever he wants as far as clothing, but I've made it adamantly clear that I find even the thought of him in women's clothing repulsive. I live in constant fear that someday he's going to decide he's not non-binary and wants to transition and that I'm going to have wasted what's left of my good years on a relationship that's doomed to fail.

When trans comes into play in a relationship, I don't think there are any true winners - someone is always going to be hurt and someone is always giving up something in order to stay.

[melissagirl]

I have another perspective from being somebody who transitioned while married a ways back and how life is now. When I first started out on my journey, my wife was very supportive of me...at first. After she had time to process the implications and that transitioning costs money, she started pulling away from me. She was also afraid I would want to be with a man, though in the end I'm definitely on the lesbian end of the spectrum.

I continued transitioning and went full time about 8 months after coming out to her. Eventually, after she started treating me badly and I've since come to realize she was emotionally abusive, I separated from her and moved out. About a year and a half later we were divorced. The divorce happened about 8 years ago, so it's been awhile.

After we separated I actually felt so free. I stayed single for a few months, but I wanted to explore my sexuality and I started dating various people including a post-op trans woman (who's currently still my best friend), a couple guys, and several women. At that point, I realized I was pretty sure I wanted to be with a woman and I had a good idea of what I wanted in a partner. I joined a lesbian choir (still somewhat involved with it) and met my current partner about 5 years ago. She was exactly what I wanted in a partner and she completely loves me for who I am. To be honest, I'm happier with her than I ever was with my wife. Now that gay marriage is legalized, she proposed to me about 4 months ago and we're engaged and I have my surgery scheduled for next year.

My point is, even if your current marriage doesn't work out, it may be for the best. While it does take a special person to stay with a transgendered person, the strain it can cause on a marriage may make the relationship untenable for either of you and sometimes it is better to move on to something that makes both people happier.

[Marienz]

Officially I have lost the love of my life. My fiance of 10 years...

She says we havent been happy for along time, and Now I have driven her into the arms of someone else.

She never could accept me going fulltime, it just ate at her soul.  She supported me emotionally through most of the early parts of transistion like finding clothes, hormones, etc but Full Time Killed my relationship.

I told her 9 years ago I was Transgendered, proposed 5 years ago, went full-time about 18 months ago.. This was along time building up, and I thought she would eventually accept it as We were together for over a DECADE!

But after FT she couldn't even be in public with me, look at me for too long, or it was a million tears for the man she lost and the life she should have instead...

We never recovered from it, and I lost the only thing I really cared about in my life.
All I wanted was for her to want to be with me for who I really am.
It was flawed to think she would ever be able to accept that, love goes to your core, and if that love is wrong to you then you will never be right inside.

You absolutely cannot force someone to be LESBIAN/GAY anymore than you can force a Transgendered person to be the gender they are not..

My advice to all SO's is if you are flexible on your sexuality then you can maybe make it work, but If your very very straight and set on what you need then your only delaying the inevitable...

Which is a painful end that every person Ive ever talked too told me would happen..

Hi
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you:) to be honest when my special someone coming out as TG to me over 8 months ago it has changed my life! We didn't survive and I look back now and think how ridiculous all the fighting was.. Even before she came out as TG we would fight... For me because I often felt she wasn't fully there... And now I know why! But anyway my point is, I now find myself looking at woman how I never did before... I truly believe I may not be as straight as I have thought the last 38 years. Transgender has a journey for both parties in a relationship:) I am sorry you lost your true love:( hugs Marie


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[Marienz]

My wife and I were together for 7 years married for 3. She found out early. It was not something I did overtly. But subtle things like dressing when she was at work. Coming home to find the lipstick didn't fully come off. Mascara and red eyes from rubbing.  I began to distance myself from her at a time when our relationship was really fragile. Then I heard the most distressing news I had ever received. Even more than finding out Mom and Dad had died. "I love you but I'm not in love with you."  I've been hating myself for 37 years for what I did to us. That is why getting answers is so important to me. I still feel she deserves an explanation. Some would say, "Just let it be" after all she has been remarried for 32 years. The problem is I never fell out of love with her. I do understand she has her life to live. But I do believe she really loved me and I forced her hand.

Awww your post made me feel so sad, for you both:(


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

[gnb984]

Hi
I'm so sorry that this has happened to you:) to be honest when my special someone coming out as TG to me over 8 months ago it has changed my life! We didn't survive and I look back now and think how ridiculous all the fighting was.. Even before she came out as TG we would fight... For me because I often felt she wasn't fully there... And now I know why! But anyway my point is, I now find myself looking at woman how I never did before... I truly believe I may not be as straight as I have thought the last 38 years. Transgender has a journey for both parties in a relationship:) I am sorry you lost your true love:( hugs Marie


Significant other
Heterosexual woman

I definitely echo this- I think both sides if they do see that it's a journey for both of them can make it though- at least from cases I've seen.  Then again I am pretty open with my sexuality.  Ive never sought out women but def could be sexually attracted to them/ my partner etc.  What I think is not fair or right in your case Jordan is that she had years and years to decide/reflect on this.  Not just a short amount of time like some of us SO are talking about.  She should have had the courage/honesty / realization enough to have talked about this with you sooner.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

I told her 9 years ago I was Transgendered, proposed 5 years ago, went full-time about 18 months ago.. This was along time building up, and I thought she would eventually accept it as We were together for over a DECADE!

You have articulated my biggest fear wrt my marriage. My wife knew before we got together, but on some level I guess she thought I'd always look a way that was killing me inside. I told her of my plans, she's been very supportive, but she's also mourning that loss and since she is bi and has experienced fluidity in sexual orientation before (for a couple of years she wasn't attracted to men at all after ending a codependent relationship) I'm just worried. I don't want to lose sexual intimacy with her even if she would stay out of loyalty since we have been overall good for each other.

[Feminator]

You have articulated my biggest fear wrt my marriage. My wife knew before we got together, but on some level I guess she thought I'd always look a way that was killing me inside. I told her of my plans, she's been very supportive, but she's also mourning that loss and since she is bi and has experienced fluidity in sexual orientation before (for a couple of years she wasn't attracted to men at all after ending a codependent relationship) I'm just worried. I don't want to lose sexual intimacy with her even if she would stay out of loyalty since we have been overall good for each other.

I have worried about that as well with my wife. I am a Queer Femme, and much prefer women, masculine women, but women none the less. The idea that my wife will have man hair, whiskers and male smell/rougher skin, was a huge worry for me. I have made myself sick with worry that I would not be sexually attracted to hym. I have found that I am just as attracted, if not more so than I was before because appearing as hy feels, has given hym new security and that I find wildly attractive.

I am sure your wife, especially because she is Bi, will have no problem being attracted to you. She already loves you and knows your soul, so this should be an easier transition for her I would think. This is where the LGBT community has a leg up on it I think.   

[Kylo]

Sanity comes first.

It's painful but you can find happiness somewhere else potentially.

The biggest disappointment for me was that love wasn't the all-transcending thing I had heard and hoped it would be. It didn't transcend all barriers and conquer everything. It was very much subject to what my body looked like. I'm probably not going to deal with romantic love again for that reason. But many trans people do find it gets better.

[1xxMiaxx1]

It is really hard to deal with. I wouldn't be able to go out in public with him. I haven't told  family or friends how he is. He is staying how he is at this point in his life and it's still rally hard to deal with. He is so selfish in so many ways, he's a lot.

If he would have told me this is the way he was before we got married I would not have stayed with him.
It's not the lifestyle I have ever been attracted to. I am a straight heterosexual woman.

The statement you're only attracted to my gender is completely correct sexually I'm attracted to men. You could be my girlfriend not my lover.

Just a rant sorry if this isn't

[Abi]

So sad to read ... I am married but have never breathed a word of the powerful feelings dominating my thoughts and mind. So at least you have gotten over that high hurdle. Hopefully things will improve for you with time, and in any event you have the peace of mind that you're being true to yourself, which many of us cannot say ...