I dont know if Im really trans? (FTM)

[Z]

So I posted this on ->-bleeped-<- a while ago but due to the lack of responses I'm posting it here to get some advice.
Extra info: I'm 15
I've transitioned socially, but as i find it important to be true to my self, I think about this stuff often. (And tbh I dont want to. I wanna think about other things, like anime, but I tend to overthink things so...
Here it is:
"I REALLY NEED SOME ADVICE HERE
I've been out as Ftm f/ 3, 3.5 years now, and I feel like I'm FTM because it's like, this is who I am as a person. And not because I feel masculine or like boy things, but because i just have this innate sense of my gender. +I've lived as a masculine girl and it just didn't seem to work f/ me. But... These feelings keep coming up and it's like: One second I cant stand having boobs/vagina/ect... And I get a strong dysphoria w/ not bein able to do male thing like produce sperm/ semen, grow facial hair, get erections, ect... Then it seems to begin to fade away and... All of a sudden i hit w/ the intense feeling of I am 100% A-OK being a female girl and i need to stop this!/I don't think I like bein called "he/him". It feels like, I've regained/ gotten back in touch w/ my body and this is who I really am?IDK And then it just goes away after a min or two. It's weird, and I've tried thinking it out but I can't so far. These feelings seem to come up when i begin to question why I feel to be FTM. But go away/ dont come up when i'm doin just about any thing else. Idk man..
EDIT: I found a way to feel as grounded(?) as possible and explore how I felt. I felt a lot of conflicting things. It was like I felt both of the above at once. Also, I looked at how I felt towards the idea of taking T. On one hand I'd love it, but on the other I felt that I would absolutely hate the results. I'm really going back and forth on the idea of detransitonsing, but I've also felt (very) scared when the thought of detransitonsing or any thing like it comes to mind. (Hell, some times I feel like I'm so impressionable that I think I just think I'm trans.)
EDIT: I really dont know what to think. I can't pin point how I feel, and it's so intensely confusing. Does all of this mean I need to detransiton? Or am I just questioning? IDK. These feelings are just so incredibly intense but then they just fade. Yet, they come back. And sometimes f/ an even longer period of time. God, I'm so confused. I wasn't ok as a girl at all, thats whys I transitioned. Should I really just go bacK?
EDIT: I've been thinking. A lot. F/ a while I really did consider detransitoning, but I don't think I will... f/ now... It seems that this was just like all of the other times only it lasted f/ a while this time. It seems that I'd be ok w/ bein called "He/Him" and some times "She/Her", and that I'm just kinda "inbeetween?" Like I like to be androgynous (i know that f/ sure), I'd rather live as a man/ male, sometimes I feel ok w/ being either (it doesnt matter), and I'll just have the occasional spell of "female" I guess... But it's odd... I really do feel like I'm Ftm, in at least some shape/ form i suppose, but what about these feelings I've been getting? Where do they fit in in all of this? Idk man... Maybe I'll ID as non-binary? idk... BUT, I am young, and I dont need to rush knowing things right now. My brain is still developing and I've got a long time to figure things out."

I would really like some advice.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. Only you can determine what you are but you may not be working with enough information. You could fall into the non binary which is between male and female where you take from both sides. The another option is you could be fluid/bigender where your gender can shift as fast as a minute or two. The non binary isn't well understood on transsexual sites but we have a fair population though it's not one of the more active parts of the site.  I am going to give you some information you might be aware of and others you might find useful.

The first is our WIKI which contains a good definition of what transgender is. The second is "the transition channel" which contain more on transsexualism. The last set get more into fluid/bigender and the non binary.

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,202966.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,201219.0.html

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,196073.0.html

If a link does't ring true, feel free to move on to the next but I suspect one might hold part of the answer. In addition, there is nothing like a good gender therapist to help you explore your feelings. Feel free to post any questions you might have on this thread where I will see them.

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[Jacqueline]

Z,

Wow, what a tough place to be. You are at both a tough age full of doubt and working with a tough condition, that in my experience, seems to be full of doubt too. Dena makes some great points.

Non binary is a category that is only recently begun to be understood and accepted more fully. The more I have researched this, the more I think most people are non binary. I think most just happened to exist on one end of the masculine/feminine spectrum or the other.

Therapists are very important to work your way through these issues. Not tell you whether you are or not. It is a complicated maze of confusion as you may well realize. They help you guide you, safely through these problems.

The only other thing I can pass along is that we have an area here for younger members. You may find peers with similar age and issues you have had. While many of us try to help how we can, I know that it has been a long time since I was your age.

Welcome to Susan's. I hope you find a way to ease your doubts.

With warmth,

Joanna