how does one cope with the dark days

[Veronica J]

Hi All,

Well i started therapy again last week, and the next appointment is next week..

anyway i am the type that over analyzers everything, and then does it deeper level.. i internalize a lot.. i felt good after the appointment.

but since there have been real dark days.. generally i am glass half full girl... but lately my thoughts and feelings have been real dark. people holding all the keys, sigh, anyway its been dark soo dark for me that i had vague ideas on the end.. but lately they have been solidified into actual possible plans, right now i have 2 ways.. one moment it terrifies me and then it doesn't.. i have been up every morning early, and have tears streaming down my face (crying silently, and lie there for 40min till the alarm goes off) and then i shower and wash it away and put a pleasant mask on.. my heart feels broken... will i ever get there? will i ever be believed? i am soo full of fear, the pain is there... will i be honest with the doc next week, or lie about how my two weeks have been?

its frightening for me to actually open up to someone, to show the hurt and pain inside. one part knows its worth the risk, another wants me to hide. i am too used putting the armour on, and loading up with fake stuff and putting on a front..

i have many worries in my life.... 

[Ms Grace]

From my own experiences with therapy, the process of learning to be honest with counsellor isn't really the issue. What's at stake is learning how to be open and honest with yourself; acknowledging your feelings and learning they don't have to have any control or power over you. But that is a process, one step, one session at a time. Just be as open as you feel safe enough to be and don't be afraid of what may come of it.

[Veronica J]

From my own experiences with therapy, the process of learning to be honest with counsellor isn't really the issue. What's at stake is learning how to be open and honest with yourself; acknowledging your feelings and learning they don't have to have any control or power over you. But that is a process, one step, one session at a time. Just be as open as you feel safe enough to be and don't be afraid of what may come of it.

thank you, i will def try..

i tell myself there is always tomorrow... and never thought of it that way. i will keep that in mind..

[stephaniec]

my own personal philosophy of doing therapy is basically seeing the situation as an infected wound . You  dig out all the nasty stuff completely ,sterilize .sew up and bandage.When i had my first therapy session many years ago when going to a university I was so hurt inside and just wanted to get help and clean the wound that was festering. I had a lot of issues that were symptoms  of the core issue which was being trans. I dug deep ,but could never face that core issue until recently. It's can be hard   to get to the root problem , but the only way to heal is to get it out.

[Ella_bella]

At the risk of sounding cliche - mindfulness/meditation really helps me. Its something I find I must do regularly, not just when I am in crisis. It has a cumulative effect that allows me to think more clearly... especially in the challenging times.

As Ms Grace mentioned

acknowledging your feelings and learning they don't have to have any control or power over you.

Its incredibly powerful, and easier said than done. A few years ago, I went into an inpatient program because I was emotionally dis associative - I rarely felt or acknowledged my emotions, to be honest I barely even knew how to identify what emotion I was feeling. You do need to give yourself time to feel, and often those feelings are triggered by very events from very early on in your life - the goal is to track back to those events and process those (perhaps with your therapist).

Keep at it! The therapy is also a cumulative effect, dont just go when you have issues. Chin up and dont feel like you cant reach out!

[JoanneB]

Ditto with Miss Grace

Being open and honest with YOURSELF is one of the hardest things in life. A therapist is only there to make you think, and maybe.... feel a bit guilty about lying to yourself. That is in addition to helping you see or think about.... everything. Not just what you want to.

A big part of being open and honest with yourself is also admitting, "I don't Know". At least for today. Try not to worry about tomorrow. That's tomorrow's worry, if ever. Often we "Box" ourselves into believing we must feel or think a certain way to fit some "narrative".

The point of being you is..... Being you. Not someone else's vision of you

[Veronica J]

At the risk of sounding cliche - mindfulness/meditation really helps me. Its something I find I must do regularly, not just when I am in crisis. It has a cumulative effect that allows me to think more clearly... especially in the challenging times.

As Ms Grace mentionedIts incredibly powerful, and easier said than done. A few years ago, I went into an inpatient program because I was emotionally dis associative - I rarely felt or acknowledged my emotions, to be honest I barely even knew how to identify what emotion I was feeling. You do need to give yourself time to feel, and often those feelings are triggered by very events from very early on in your life - the goal is to track back to those events and process those (perhaps with your therapist).

Keep at it! The therapy is also a cumulative effect, dont just go when you have issues. Chin up and dont feel like you cant reach out!

I dont know how to meditate properly, i did try years ago.. but my mind is way too active and i had difficulty and still do in keeping it on a track.. when i am down, such as i have been lately, i am stuck on a pattern of thoughts and find it very hard to break the cycle. Generally the way i have done it in the past is to simply cover up the hurt and put the armor on and go a little numb and suppress more of my emotions and sort of just coast and try very hard not to think about it and get active doing something or nothing. i am trying my best not to fall into old protective habits, buts its hard as those tracks in my soul and mind are well worn ones and easy to fall into.

i know what you mean by emotionally dis-associative, i got the idea years ago when watching Star Trek and seeing Spock of hiding my emotions ( i even practised the eye brow lift and the live long and propser sign).. i could never suppress them completely.. but sort  of bury them, the thing that happens is i dont really connect with people (or really love them), i never did with my kids to the extent i should of, and sometimes the emotions leak out.. and i have to flee to my room and cry (it feels like i am shattering) or some days i simply lie in bed all day doing nothing. i usually wake up an hour before i am meant to and i hurt soo much inside, and simply cry silently in bed..and make sure i hop out of bed and in the shower before anyone notices.. soo much easier covering up the tears that way.

[Veronica J]

Ditto with Miss Grace

Being open and honest with YOURSELF is one of the hardest things in life. A therapist is only there to make you think, and maybe.... feel a bit guilty about lying to yourself. That is in addition to helping you see or think about.... everything. Not just what you want to.

A big part of being open and honest with yourself is also admitting, "I don't Know". At least for today. Try not to worry about tomorrow. That's tomorrow's worry, if ever. Often we "Box" ourselves into believing we must feel or think a certain way to fit some "narrative".

The point of being you is..... Being you. Not someone else's vision of you

its hard not worrying about tomorrow, too hard...i think maybe not to put soo much weight on tomorrows outcomes as they havent happend?

I wont give up on therapy, infact we are on the road to discover who i really am (ie. thoughtfull, kind loving person etc) as i have had years of suppressing and living to others standards i simply dont know.. i over analyze a great deal, a curse really, i guess i am a rescuer, caring person who wants to help silently where i can without others knowing.. but thats it..

still the future is filled with fear, and i will wait to the next meeting.. your right if i lie, then i am only lieing to myself..

thank you all, you have given me much to think about..

[JoanneB]

its hard not worrying about tomorrow, too hard...i think maybe not to put soo much weight on tomorrows outcomes as they havent happend?

still the future is filled with fear, and i will wait to the next meeting.. your right if i lie, then i am only lying to myself..

I know this one all too well, still do somewhat...

My wife often said "Who made you God?". My therapist essentially the same but a bit less sarcasm.

And they're right... I do torture myself with wanting to Know. Wanting to in some way Control the outcome of all this. Part of it is fear of the unknowns. I tend to abhor change when it comes to my personal life (note the irony  ). Professionally I am pretty good at making predictions and often need to resort tossing all that old crap out and starting over.

In my life I've had and still have an abysmal track record of predicting the future, much less controlling it. I barely can keep myself under control. It is impossible to control what others may feel or do.

The best we can do is modify how we react, how we feel, in response to our own wild thoughts or emotions. Which, in part is how we many times Think, others are feeling or reacting. There was a time when I thought that practically every time I got more then a passing glance my reaction was "THEY know... Some guy in a dress". Today after a lot of hard work my reaction is a lot more like "Damn, it wasn't just me thinking I looked good in the mirror"

Between therapy, my TG support group, and a ton of self-help / inspirational type books I learned a lot about myself. Why I likely reacted the way I did. Most importantly different ways in which I can start changing and growing into the sort of person I'd rather be. Inside and out.

It does get better

[Jenny0713]

I know the feelings all to well.  I am still at odds with myself as to if/when to transition.  Will I look OK female? Will others accept me?  I am over 50 so I worry about how I will look.  I also have a good job.  Will I jeopardize that job if I transition?  I am over 6 foot tall.  Will I look like a huge man walking down the street in women's clothing?  So many questions.  I have not yet started HRT yet but I do feel I want to.  There are just so many issues to deal with if I go down that road.  Keep positive.  We are all in this together.

Jenny.

[Veronica J]

yeah i have those same fears.. but its the future, and today is today...

[Veronica J]

I know this one all too well, still do somewhat...

My wife often said "Who made you God?". My therapist essentially the same but a bit less sarcasm.

And they're right... I do torture myself with wanting to Know. Wanting to in some way Control the outcome of all this. Part of it is fear of the unknowns. I tend to abhor change when it comes to my personal life (note the irony  ). Professionally I am pretty good at making predictions and often need to resort tossing all that old crap out and starting over.

In my life I've had and still have an abysmal track record of predicting the future, much less controlling it. I barely can keep myself under control. It is impossible to control what others may feel or do.

The best we can do is modify how we react, how we feel, in response to our own wild thoughts or emotions. Which, in part is how we many times Think, others are feeling or reacting. There was a time when I thought that practically every time I got more then a passing glance my reaction was "THEY know... Some guy in a dress". Today after a lot of hard work my reaction is a lot more like "Damn, it wasn't just me thinking I looked good in the mirror"

Between therapy, my TG support group, and a ton of self-help / inspirational type books I learned a lot about myself. Why I likely reacted the way I did. Most importantly different ways in which I can start changing and growing into the sort of person I'd rather be. Inside and out.

It does get better

thats what was covered in my last therapy session... how to not react as a child but more adult..  i find it amazing many of us react the same way. inpart cause old ways are safe well worn pathways..