(I wasn't sure if this should go in the transgender forum or here, but I guess this'll do. Sorry in advance for how long this is.)
Since middle school I've been thinking about my gender, and I'm at the point where gender roles just seem kind of stupid, and have completely stopped making sense. (It's carried over into my sexuality too, which kind of sucks, nothing makes sense anymore.)
That said, I know how I want to present and be perceived. I don't care about my pronouns enough to correct people (though hearing 'young man' instead of 'young lady' does make me smile a bit), and I'd like to someday be a bit more triangle-y(
) shape-wise. Broad shoulders, slim waist, neutral, if not masculine voice, blah blah. (I may have inspirational photos of Balian Buschbaum all over my phone)
Initially I was really scared of the physical changes that testosterone would cause after the voice change and fat redistribution, but the more I think about it the less I care, and the less important the scary parts seem. It feels like something I could actually do. If not long term, long enough for my voice to change and get a bit of a jump on muscle gains, along with whatever else the genetic lottery threw in.
I was worried that I'd never be able to date if I looked the way I wanted, but that, too, has started to seem less than a problem. (Finally the idea of being Aro-ace seems like a blessing. Worst case scenario and I'm not aro, I download Tinder when they implement the transgender buttons. No biggie.)
All of that said, the problem here is that I can't tell if this is what I really want, or if it's my brain being horrible and 'trans-trending' or something equally awful. I don't understand the idea of 'knowing you aren't the right gender for your body' (which would really help), because I don't really associate certain things or ways of doing things with specific genders anymore. I see women and my brain fills in 'you aren't that', but it won't give me any help beyond that.
I don't know if I want to try for this body I want when there's a chance it was my brain pranking me or something and I'll realize immediately after that 'lol no you're a chick sorry enjoy your manhood'. Plus my parents would probably hate me. My mom has said that if me or my bro were gay 'we'd deal with it', but I feel like that already small amount of tolerance would not extend to gender questioning.
Has anyone been in a similar place? I'm sick of being so wishy-washy, I just want to settle on something and stop thinking about it all.
