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Not sure what to do now (Word Vomit Ahead)

Started by Mbion, June 10, 2016, 08:02:04 PM

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Mbion

(I wasn't sure if this should go in the transgender forum or here, but I guess this'll do. Sorry in advance for how long this is.)

Since middle school I've been thinking about my gender, and I'm at the point where gender roles just seem kind of stupid, and have completely stopped making sense. (It's carried over into my sexuality too, which kind of sucks, nothing makes sense anymore.)

That said, I know how I want to present and be perceived. I don't care about my pronouns enough to correct people (though hearing 'young man' instead of 'young lady' does make me smile a bit), and I'd like to someday be a bit more triangle-y(???) shape-wise. Broad shoulders, slim waist, neutral, if not masculine voice, blah blah. (I may have inspirational photos of Balian Buschbaum all over my phone)

Initially I was really scared of the physical changes that testosterone would cause after the voice change and fat redistribution, but the more I think about it the less I care, and the less important the scary parts seem. It feels like something I could actually do. If not long term, long enough for my voice to change and get a bit of a jump on muscle gains, along with whatever else the genetic lottery threw in.

I was worried that I'd never be able to date if I looked the way I wanted, but that, too, has started to seem less than a problem. (Finally the idea of being Aro-ace seems like a blessing. Worst case scenario and I'm not aro, I download Tinder when they implement the transgender buttons. No biggie.)

All of that said, the problem here is that I can't tell if this is what I really want, or if it's my brain being horrible and 'trans-trending' or something equally awful. I don't understand the idea of 'knowing you aren't the right gender for your body' (which would really help), because I don't really associate certain things or ways of doing things with specific genders anymore. I see women and my brain fills in 'you aren't that', but it won't give me any help beyond that.

I don't know if I want to try for this body I want when there's a chance it was my brain pranking me or something and I'll realize immediately after that 'lol no you're a chick sorry enjoy your manhood'. Plus my parents would probably hate me. My mom has said that if me or my bro were gay 'we'd deal with it', but I feel like that already small amount of tolerance would not extend to gender questioning.

Has anyone been in a similar place? I'm sick of being so wishy-washy, I just want to settle on something and stop thinking about it all.
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Dena

Welcome to Susan's Place. It's pretty common to wonder if we are truly transgender but the fact that you are indicates you are not comfortable with your body as it is indicates you most likely are. The only way to really be sure is after it's all over but until then there will always be some element of doubt. At some point you need to discuss this with a gender therapist but I suspect you are not at that point in your life yet. The next best thing will be for me to start you with two links. The first is our WIKI where you will learn more about the term transgender. The second is "the transition channel" that will help you explore your feelings with a therapist. Feel free to post any questions you have on this thread.

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keira166

#2
Hi Mbion,

I'm in a similar place, kinda.  I've given up up on the idea of feeling an inherent gender for my body, it just didn't make sense and I couldn't feel anything ever actually calling me towards one or another identity (I've always felt that 'I'm not one of them' feeling though, but that's it).  Its really hard for me to believe that others even feel a gender (I'll take people's word for it though). 

I think the agender label fits best for me.  Since I can't feel anything pulling, agender stresses, for me, that there isn't a gender identity that I'm supposed to fit in, so I'm basically free to express myself however I please.  If I'm not supposed to be a specific gender, I can't worry about it.  This made more sense to me than the mysterious indefinable "man" "woman", which has done nothing in life but stress me out.  Its also the main label that stuck with me, it makes me feel more solid.  LOL, that being said, I'll probably end up looking mostly like a cis-guy (I'm AMAB), but I think as long as I don't get caught up in how things should be, my outwards appearance will be whatever makes me happy. 

I think gender roles are stupid too.  They just seem unhealthy to me, like they'll do nothing but inhibit you one way or the other.  I just want to do whatever I think is best.  And yeah, that cynicism has carried over to my sexuality too, but again, I just want to do whatever I think is best anyway (in bed, teehee).  That's pretty much the core of me being a feminist too.  Sometimes I wonder if even judging things as masc/fem is just me being too lazy to think if something is good or bad, so I try not to even do that.  I don't want to care about who wears what or who acts delicate or tough. 

Honestly, I think just trying to look like how you want is pretty amazing, so I bet there are others out there that appreciate the awesomeness of trying to look how you want.  So for dating, this acceptance of non-conformity is pretty important to me.  But yeah I dunno about the dating world overall, I'm married (didn't think about gender until after married).  Me and spousey are turning into a poly relationship, so I'll find out soon enough, haha, if I decide to date. 

And yeah, I worry I'm just making one huge mistake thinking I'm anything but cis (freaking term transtrender).  But as long as I'm not hurting anyone and I'm feeling good about things, what else should I do.  I do hope your parents don't hate you.  Obviously I have no idea about them specifically, but if they actually said, without anything to prompt them, that they'd deal with you or sibling being gay, they may be more tolerant than you think.  My parents never said that, and they've dealt just fine with me being nonbinary (so far) and my bro being bi (and my sister just being weird at life, haha). 

Sorry for the word vomit as well :)

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