Not fitting into the trans mold... :(

[Rengar]

I feel the exact same way. Apart from this forum I am completely stealth IRL. I haven't been misgendered for about a year and a half and I don't think it's ever gonna happen again. I don't really want anything to do with Trans pride or anything like that. I work hard to look as masculine as I can. The facial hair helps.

I'm just a dude living his life. I don't want to be asked if I've "had the surgery". I don't want funny looks and I don't want the fact that I'm trans to be a part of my every day life. I commend the people who are active with their trans pride and go to rallys and conventions etc but that's not what /I'M/ about.

I don't want to fit into a "trans mold" or fit in with the trans group outside this forum unless I specifically tell someone that I am trans and tell them they can ask me any trans related questions.

I feel you dude.

[smittydoyle]

First, you don't have to fit into any 'mold'. Forget molds!

I knew when I was 4 years old (1974) that I was supposed to have been born a boy (those were the only words I had for it back then). So my transitioning was for one reason and one reason alone: so that I could be comfortable in and with my being and stay alive.

I'm not a trans activist (though I have been lightly involved in my local trans community). I'm not all about Pride events.  I'm Pansexual but don't go to gay bars.

Funny, though, I don't consider myself to be Stealth; I'll wear a trans t shirt or pin...but in the same way I'll wear an Anarchist T or a  shirt from something else I'm into or supportive of.

I'm an introvert and have always been most comfortable in the woods doing solitary things. I'm an Anarchist and definitely have strong feelings about personal freedoms and animal rights. I'm far more active in those areas than in trans activism.

Don't beat yourself up or feel pressure to do anything, ANYTHING that you're not comfortable with. Don't follow the herd

cheers

Mod Edit:Language

[alex82]

I think it's nothing to be worried about.

I've never been to an LGBT event in my life. A trans friend invited me to Berlin where she lives, 'for pride', and I immediately thought 'no, I'll be looking at the dates it falls on and going well after it'.

I can't personally think of much I'd rather not do.

[roseyfox]

Yap i can relate from the opposite side of the spectrum. It funny i consider myself a girl but not very feminine at all because i am not dysphoric at all in social pressure. Because i never cared how people viewed me. I just never like my body and found a doctor that finally let me take hormones without the living as the other one for a year and thearpy which i would have never gotten a letter since i dress as both a girl/guy and act in both mannerisms and don't trully conform to ether side unless it to define my body which truly frustrated me when doctors told me i wasn't trans.

But meh I swim against the current and got what i needed now i just flow and relax. I don't get involved in pride and the debates i dont want to spend my whole life fighting i don't need to. Sure this is me yes i am proud of myself but im just a girl who wants to talk, relax, listen to music, and hang with friends while not doing so legall stuff.

[Kylo]

As much as I doubt I'd ever participate in pride events, I see that they help to normalize us and reinforce that we have a right to exist and have fun. I see why they happen and the positive side of them so I'm glad there are people who go to them and stand up for gay rights. Very glad, in fact.

But I am oppressed by crowds, or perhaps even phobic of them, so I cannot go.

[Michelle_P]

Well, I don't care for some of the people that show up at the big transmarch event in SF, but I'll go if only to provide one more ordinary transperson, mixed in with the queens, exhibitionists, and nudists that seem to be drawn to these events.  Unfortunately, media coverage will show them, and not the actual transgender folks.  I'd like to see as many of us ordinary folks show up as possible.

We exist.  We're not going away.

[zeus33]

Besides, fitting into a mold is conformity. we are not going away and that is why the "RIGHT" has problems with anything that doesn't fit their mold because it will widdle away at their conformity thus their way of life. In 200 years everyone will hopefully mike their own business, not care how you identify and get on with their lives.

[Gilbert Rose]

Well, I don't care for some of the people that show up at the big transmarch event in SF, but I'll go if only to provide one more ordinary transperson, mixed in with the queens, exhibitionists, and nudists that seem to be drawn to these events.  Unfortunately, media coverage will show them, and not the actual transgender folks.  I'd like to see as many of us ordinary folks show up as possible.

We exist.  We're not going away.

What you've said gives a viewpoint on something that didn't even cross my mind. The fact that media coverage is heavily aimed on the drag queens and those dressed in quite a... Kinky manner. That is something that has put me off ever going to pride... As I don't properly know what pride really is. I just know that you get a lot of people like that. Which is fine, just there are teens like me who have been a little bit scared away by that.

With the happenings in Orlando, I see more of a meaning to pride events... I might go... As I'm in a safe area...

[Michelle_P]

What you've said gives a viewpoint on something that didn't even cross my mind. The fact that media coverage is heavily aimed on the drag queens and those dressed in quite a... Kinky manner. That is something that has put me off ever going to pride... As I don't properly know what pride really is. I just know that you get a lot of people like that. Which is fine, just there are teens like me who have been a little bit scared away by that.

With the happenings in Orlando, I see more of a meaning to pride events... I might go... As I'm in a safe area...

Yes!

When folks hear transgender, they think "RuPaul", or Tootsie from the movie poster, or any of the other media images of 'dudes in dresses'.  Transmen?  They don't believe those even exist.  Heck, when I came out to my wife, I'm pretty sure she imagined me in that red sequin number from the Tootsie poster.

"Mrs. Doubtfire" is a better image for many of us. 

At the San Francisco TransMarch on June 24, we will likely have the usual contingent of 'nuns in whiteface', the Leather Brigade, probably the local nudists who turn out for any event (even the farmers market...), and some other local characters.  There will be maybe 100 of these, and several thousand folks like me.  Unfortunately, I know who will get the air time on the local news.

There's the public perception of the 'trans mold', and then there's moldy real world us.

[freebrady2015]

I'd like to offer the flip side view a bit. While it's your human right to live in peace as a man there are those who for one reason or another don't have access to healthcare and won't pass as men. There has also always been a strong counter-culture among LGBT where we don't want to fit in and believe that the goal should never be to live within the hetero- and cis-normative culture and its values. Pride events tend to display the extreme as it's a celebration of being different and if you identify this way or just believe that we shouldn't have to conform it can feel liberating. There is the argument that "we are just like everyone else" that some trans people use to justify their existence and I think it can be harmful in that not all trans people are just like everyone else nor should they have to to have basic human rights and dignity.

There is just as wide a spectrum of human experience within trans as there is within cis men, and I would venture to guess you are in the majority in feeling that you want to be part of the "mainstream".

So just live your life, there is nothing wrong with that.

[alex82]

Yes!

When folks hear transgender, they think "RuPaul", or Tootsie from the movie poster, or any of the other media images of 'dudes in dresses'.  Transmen?  They don't believe those even exist.  Heck, when I came out to my wife, I'm pretty sure she imagined me in that red sequin number from the Tootsie poster.

"Mrs. Doubtfire" is a better image for many of us. 

At the San Francisco TransMarch on June 24, we will likely have the usual contingent of 'nuns in whiteface', the Leather Brigade, probably the local nudists who turn out for any event (even the farmers market...), and some other local characters.  There will be maybe 100 of these, and several thousand folks like me.  Unfortunately, I know who will get the air time on the local news.

There's the public perception of the 'trans mold', and then there's moldy real world us.

I love your turn of phrase. You're so descriptive and funny. I don't want to go to your local farmers market.

[WolfNightV4X1]

I feel halfway that way, but also halfway still identifying as trans.

I feel the reason for this primarily is a lot of us havent gotten past the struggle of just BEING. It's hard. You often get the constant reminder socially and legally and physically that you really aren't what you say you are, it's like you have to overemphasize it to make it true.

I want to rest someday, to just be a guy like I used to think I was a girl (without the underlying masculine leanings pushing at it)

In any case a lot of us have to talk and talk and talk and talk about it because we have tell people how it feels, and draw comparisons with others and see that it isn't just in our head.

I tend to refer to myself as male, transmale when it's necessary to draw the difference between my birth. It confuses people less.

[zeus33]

As much as I doubt I'd ever participate in pride events, I see that they help to normalize us and reinforce that we have a right to exist and have fun. I see why they happen and the positive side of them so I'm glad there are people who go to them and stand up for gay rights. Very glad, in fact.

But I am oppressed by crowds, or perhaps even phobic of them, so I cannot go.

Dead on for me. Plus Chi gets way crowded. Staying home tomorrow.

[haeden]

I definitely understand. I haven't started transitioning so I don't talk about it at all and I've only said it to 3 people and it felt odd to say.
Not feeling the same as other ftms or even mtfs for that matter is a big reason why I don't really come on here anymore. I don't have the same struggles or passion as people on here and even the few I follow on instagram I don't really connect with.
When I start to transition I don't want to have to keep telling people. I've never been big on talking about stuff like that because like you said it doesn't make me who I am anymore than my hair color makes me. It's another reason why I want top surgery first and then t. I already pass with just a binder a good deal of the time and I've had people continue to address me as sir even after hearing my name. So top surgery then t will let me transition in a stealth way like I want

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[Muscle Matt]

I've never felt "trans". I've never been proud of having such an ugly body, nor have I ever understood someone having "pride" in such a thing. If you're unhappy enough with your body that you need to change your entire life, then how can you also be proud of it? I've just never understood the feeling.

It's difficult just trying to get treatment and live as a man, when everyone else expects you to fit into the "trans community". My doctors all keep trying to force me to go to group therapy, which I absolutely will not (especially since even one-on-one therapy isn't for me). They keep expecting me to go to events and talk to their trans therapist. And each time, I have to explain, while trying not to sound like an ->-bleeped-<-, that I want nothing to do with other trans folk or the community in real life. (I've had nothing but horrible experiences with trans people I know in real life, and even though I know they're probably the extreme, it still puts a terrible taste in my mouth for meeting any new trans people, ESPECIALLY in groups/crowds). I also can't imagine sitting in a room full of people with the purpose of complaining about transgender problems. Living trans is NOT the hardest thing I've had to endure in my life; there are parts of my life I refuse to even stop and reminisce on for fear of having a severe meltdown. To me, I just take all the problems of living trans with a shrug, and go about my day. I honestly fear that surrounding myself with people who think trans problems are as bad as it gets is going to take a serious toll on my mental state. But doctors only want to see me for what I am, not who I am, and would never find that as an acceptable excuse for avoiding trans meet-ups.

In the same way, I'm also mostly gay, yet I don't dress/act gay. I don't have gay pride, and I cringe at the thought of going to any form of Pride (even though I really don't even know what it consists of). I don't even know that I would be comfortable walking into a gay bar. Personality and interest-wise, I'm more of a manly-man, and that's how I prefer the men I date, as well. I'm friends with a good bit of very gay people, and it's just very hard for me to understand how people can have such flagrant pride over such a thing. I don't mind if other people live that way, it's just simply not for me, not a part of who I am.

It's hard to be your own person when everyone expects you to be a certain way just because of something like gender or sexual identity. I just can't wait for the day when my outside appearance is able to mask my "trans-ness", just so I don't have to keep dodging all the requests to associate with strangers I don't care about. I'm hoping by that point, I'm also manly enough that people don't see me and immediately think of the fact that I date guys. I'd be ok hearing, "Wow, I never would have guessed he dates other guys".

[Kylo]

^

Yeah, that is an odd thing I noticed too, my therapist, my doctor, my sister, and a few friends seem to put inordinate emphasis on me going to some kind of group therapy. I don't need group therapy. I don't need to talk about being trans in a room with other trans. I'm not sure why it's assumed I do, but I have no guilt and no shame over 'being' trans - but I see no reason to be loud and proud about it either. I understand for those who feel shame or negative feelings about being trans then getting together and being assured that you deserve to exist and be happy is important. But like I told my therapist plenty of times, I don't have that problem. My seat in a group therapy session could be taken up by someone who really needs it. Not that there is any group therapy within quite a distance of where I live anyway; I think you have to be placed lucky as a trans person to have that kind of support network conveniently.

As these friends and relatives say "but you need a support network"... yeah, I do sometimes... but I'd prefer that support network came from the people around me, the cis people I'm already involved with, and that I don't have to go to specific meetings in strange towns with strangers to access it.

[WorkingOnThomas]

I don't even like one-on-one therapy with my clinic's trans-specialist. Group therapy? Sounds like some kind of Bosch-like punishment.

Just because you don't want to hang around with other trans people, doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you. I've got brown hair. Do i feel some kind of special kinship with other brown haired people? No. Some of them are a**holes.

[Ayden]

I'm just a guy with a different medical history than most. I noticed that at first I was more into stressing "trans", but that was almost six years ago. As I've gotten more comfortable, I don't really think about it.

I'm married to a gay man and he has no desire to get into the pride stuff. Granted, he's 31 and I'm 29, but it just isn't our thing. We don't particularly like big parties or bars or any of that stuff.

The only relationship I really have with being trans now is that I go to a gynecologist. In fact, I went to my doctor last week and it took me several minutes to figure out why I was getting weird looks in the waiting room. The nurse apologized for a lot of women staring at me and it just clicked. I chuckled and said that it must look weird to see a guy in an ObGYN office.

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[Arch]

In fact, I went to my doctor last week and it took me several minutes to figure out why I was getting weird looks in the waiting room. The nurse apologized for a lot of women staring at me and it just clicked. I chuckled and said that it must look weird to see a guy in an ObGYN office.

The facility I go to has several doctors and half a floor devoted to GYN and infertility. The other men tend to be with a woman or waiting for a woman, but people don't tend to stare at me. I suspect that they think I'm there to drop off a "sample" for the infertility side of things.