Identity Crisis?

[Morgan-Kate]

Could someone tell me if this is normal?  For the last week, I've really been trying to accept my true self.  Perhaps that's poor wording: I'm trying to get used to the idea of going by another name that though I've known and occasionally addressed myself as, I haven't had to respond to it or actually label my physical self as such.  Not to mention, my male tendencies are still very strong but my female tendencies are growing, causing sort of personality clashes.  I am still new to this and, maybe it's the hypochondriac in me, but is this something other than dysphoria?  I'm just getting to know the real me and, among the stress that and my general life bring in, the last thing I need is to have developed something like Bipolar Split Personality disorder or something.
I mean, I literally got into an argument with myself while I was in the shower!  There was me as Tim and me as Morgan.  I was also mildly sleep deprived (insomnia) so maybe that made it more heated and irrational? All I know is that the person I've lived as for the last 22 years was screaming, telling this beautiful new me to go away, that life was fine before she came along and that I was always the nice guy, the perfect son and the yes-man.  When I actually realized what I was doing, I snapped out of it but the memories are still very clear and disturbing.
I haven't had any episodes today and my stress is mostly contained.  I guess what I'm really asking is if an identity crisis is common when one discovers that their transgender?  I think I've come to grips with who I am and I'm very happy and excited about it all, but the dread and anxiety of having to change everything about my life is eating me from the inside out!

[Ms Grace]

Hi - welcome to the forum!
What you describe can be very common for many trans people. We've been forced to live as a person that we know ourselves not to be for so much of our life we find it hard to recognise let alone accept the reality of our truth. I wouldn't worry about trying to accomplish that in a week or a month or even a year. It is a gradual process and a lot of it depends on what path you chose to take. If you intend to transition you'll find that the process takes many months which gives you time to adapt to any new paradigm, be that name or your presentation. I know myself as Grace now, but two years ago I would have felt much less sure about that because I had only been on HRT for three months and hadn't even been out the door in girl mode. Somewhere over that time I found myself and my self found me.

[Morgan-Kate]

Thank you, Grace.  I've been having trouble coming to terms with myself and when I realized that I was really Morgan and not this guy I'd lived as for so long, I seriously panicked.  I don't want to rush into this, but I don't want a delay either.  A friend recommended that I try to do this gradually, namely dressing the part to start off and see if I feel ready.
I guess I just never really thought about what I'd go through, despite having known in the back of my mind I'd go through it eventually.  I'm just scared.  It may sound cliche, but I'm afraid of what the future will hold.  But at the same time, I'm also excited.  Just the idea of so much as receiving a compliment after I've decided to transition (if I do), gives me butterflies.  I've not experienced feelings in this fashion for a long time and it's overwhelming.  Not to mention, the idea of coming out, mainly to my family.  But thank you for easing my thoughts.  I haven't slept well since I discovered myself, but maybe tonight will be different.

[Ms Grace]

One of my counsellors told me at the start that hormonal transition was fairly easy, it's social transition that's the really hard part. He wasn't wrong - but the great thing is that you don't have to do it alone. Getting the right supports in place - whether they be therapists, health professionals, face to face groups, forums, friends, etc - makes it so much easier to cope with the downs as well as the ups.

[Qrachel]

Dear Morgan-Kate:

It can be shocking when the person within, the real person, begins to seriously occupy time and space in place of the current persona at large.  It was for me and though I externalized differently than you it was a bumpy road for a while.  Seeing a therapist was very helpful, though honestly at first I thought I was exhibiting the height of lunacy by seeing a therapist about Rachel possibly being who I truly was.

In my case, I was sure there was something different about me at an early age, and owning that reality took a little time, ~ 6-8 months, after six decades of hiding and denying it.  You are having your own experiences but it sounds pretty familiar all-in-all, which is not to minimize the impact or importance this all has for you and those close to you.

Sooo, welcome and be sure to visit often.  It's amazing what a little talking/coaching/caring/encouraging can accomplish by the simple ac of association.

Take good care,

Rachel

[Megan.]

I'm also treading this path at the moment, a person called Megan is growing and wanting to stretch her wings after being shut away for so long, yet the guy who's been running things till now sometimes doesn't appreciate the intrusions. Sometimes I feel like a whole single person, other times it feels like two very different people are fighting for control. I talk it through with my therapist, but I think it's a natural, healthy and very important part of the journey. I'm trying my best to learn more about myself as I go through it. Good luck.

Meg.

[Audietta]

Hi,
One month ago I arrived at a clinic in Germany. I am now taking meds for bipolar so I am more mellow. If you are bipolar you willl not be able to self help because the spikes have to do with you chemistry not your gender mismatch.

You are in control. I spent a year shaving every hair I could see, wearing only female underwear, doing my nails, wearing women's fashion and shoes and more. I decided to stop sleeping in the same room as my partner. I can only sustain an erection fantasizing about sex with a man and when in bed i wanted to rub my breast to hers and my junk against hers.  So by uniting my subconscious and conscious mind as one your feelings will start to come back.

If you are like many here, you will eventually realize how over cognative thinking is a Symptom of dysphoria.

[cheryl reeves]

I had the same argument with Cheryl and we came too a compromise,we use the same name,we share the same body,other then that we are totally different, we have different personalities,different taste in clothing,Cheryl likes to shop Terry doesn't,Cheryl likes too cook creative meals,Terry just throws something together and call it food. Their are times I wonder if I have a split personality,but I have learned to live with it. The only thing me and Cheryl do agree on is the love we have for our wife who tries too understand us.

[Jayne01]

I'm 43 and am having similar issues. I keep wondering if I have a split personality, if that is even a possible!

I've had a yelling match with myself once. I was driving to work and was actually yelling abuse at myself. I'm just glad it was dark outside because if a passing cop looked in my window I would no doubt have been arrested for suspected drug use!

I am still struggling with what seems to be 2 identities. It is tearing me apart from the inside. I want to be John 24/7 and just be a normal guy, but Jayne keeps popping into my head driving me crazy. Maybe what Cheryl said is a workable solution. Maybe John and Jayne could learn to co-exist and have some kind of sharing arrangement. Same for Tim and Morgan.

I'll keep checking this thread hoping someone has the answer.

J

[Morgan-Kate]

I had another moment today.  I was lucky enough it was close enough to my lunch break that I had time to get out to my car and out of the parking lot before I started crying.  At this point, I've accepted myself as Morgan, but now Tim is in the back of my mind, constantly telling me I'm a lie.  I think I've been switching identities in my head all day, but I really can't be sure anymore.  Yesterday felt so good and today is just like a nightmare.  Regardless, I've barely eaten or slept in days.  I don't want to take a Unisom with my mind in a sway like this. I feel like I'm tearing myself apart.  The worst part is, I can't push anything to the back of my mind.  I like that things have cleared up in there, but there is no dark corner to banish any bad thoughts to. Though I feel like I've come a distance in such a short time in terms of confidence, I'm still scared of this whole situation.

[gennee]

Morgan, I experienced the clash of two people inside of me around 2002-2003. My masculine side was fighting to stay; my feminine side was trying to see the light of day. When I saw a picture of a werewolf, it described what was happening inside of me.  It was quite a battle to say the least.

I always felt different and never knew why. It was when I put my first feminine article did I begin to see the light. Scary? At times. Exciting? YES! When I finally came out it was liberation and completeness.

[Ive]

Hello Morgan-Kate,

I read your post and I related to what you are living (or you have lived).
I discovered/understood to be a girl 2 years ago, when I started exploring that dark part (which was feminine) I was hiding from myself. Today I am 34, and I am still struggling with my identity (I am going through a huge crisis, which started back in 2007).

Since I discovered to be (possibly) a transgender woman, my life became a nightmare. One of the reasons was (and still is) the fact that I didn't know who I was anymore.
As a girl, I started to feel a stranger to my parents (that know about me), to my sister (and this was a real nightmare, I had fear of causing strong reactions - now things are slightly better). I still cannot speak with friends... I don't know if I can call them friends, still...
Maybe I am just over-reacting.
On the other side, I cannot be a boy anymore, it takes me so much effort that I cannot do it for more than minutes.

The switching you relate you, it is what I am living very often, I think.
I am still not able to get over it...

However, maybe it is like my therapist said to me, some time ago, when I said to feel "false": instead of "true or false" (so, I am this and not that), maybe I should say "authentic" or "sincere", or "genuine".
Being "true" or "false" is incorrect, as it should refer to a truth, which is yourself: if you don't know the truth, as you don't know yourself (you do it when you do things, you feel, you live...), you cannot say that you are "true" or "false".
On the other side, if I say that I was "sincere" or "genuine", I am relating to what I feel, now or in a past moment.
In this key, I am able to not feel a stranger, but feel to be or have been "not genuine", at most.
Probably we are seeing the thing under a point of view that, besides maybe wrong, it takes us to where our fears want to bring us: "I am not what you saw. I am not the bad you saw. I am different, and you now must love me for what I say to you I am".

Of course, this is just a guess. And of course, I am writing this for myself, first.
If you are still out there, please let me know what do you think.

When you say:

I've really been trying to accept my true self.

and:

Not to mention, my male tendencies are still very strong but my female tendencies are growing, causing sort of personality clashes.

I can really relate.
Well, taking the "authenticity" concept as "the correct one", my question is: how (much) are we different from a person that behaves to please h*s friends/relatives/parents, but feels that something does not quite work? Are we different from any other person that discovers that *he wants different things? Of course the social pressure is much higher, in average, and many/some of us, transgender people, experience wishing having a different body.
How much we tend to adhere to the "transexual script"?

I don't have ANY answer, and I would be very happy to discuss these points with you.

Meanwhile, I hope things have improved, Morgan-Kate!
Huge kisses,
Iv.

[Ive]

P.S.: from Gennee blog

It's terrible when you find out that you lived your life on someone else's terms. It's never too late to start over. Age has nothing to do with it. Many folks have changed the course of their lives while in their fifties, sixties and even seventies.

Maybe we were really living on someone else's terms, but still we were ourselves, not authentic/genuine, but ourselves.
And maybe we also liked some things we did... why not?