Somewhere to Talk

[Reyes]

Real downer post ahead, sorry about this.

I just can't stand being around my family anymore, it's been getting more and more noticeable for awhile now, but they just have absolutely no faith in me, no belief that I can do literally anything anymore. Just years and years of them commenting on how I can't do anything, even though I can, but I'm never able to say any of that because all I'll get it then why don't you do it more, and they say how, when we're gone how are you going to take care of yourself.

And commenting on how I have no life, and I've never done anything, and my sister all through our teens going on about how ugly I am and how no one would ever wanna marry me, and her going on now about how I don't do anything, everytime someone tells her to get a job, she just says, don't tell me, tell him, and how I have no friends, no life, I can't even say anything to her without her getting annoyed and telling me to shut up, or leave her alone.

And they go on about how Oh we love you, but it's always in that sickly sweet fake tone, like they're being condescending or something, they never say it like they do towards my sister.

And everytime I see my mother she questions me on, why aren't you done with your book yet, it's been months you should be done, and I just want to say, you can't write an entire book in a few months, it takes time, but I don't, I'm just not able to bring myself to say it, I just say quietly how No, I'm not, because it's what they would expect. That's pretty much the only things I do say or do, what they would expect at this point.

For so long I've wanted to just move out already, but I would never say that, I just can't, it's not anything they would think I would say, like so many other things I wish I could just do already, but I can't ever get myself to say any of it, and more and more of it just gets internalized to the point where if I was the person in my head around them they wouldn't even recognize me. But I want to be that person, but.

I mean, how am I even supposed to have faith in myself, believe in myself, if they don't. I mean hell, my father doesn't even believe I'll ever move out at this point, he just said the other day how when he eventually dies, he hopes not for at least another 20 years, that'll I'll be able to stay living here. He didn't even bother to say, if I'm still living here I can stay, no he says I can stay living here, like he doesn't believe I'll ever move out at this point.

And I don't blame him, I don't anymore either, I've just wasted so much time being a coward and doing nothing and being stupid that it's just to late now, I'm going to end up living here in this house for another 60 or so years, during which time I'll probably grow old looking like my father which if so I hope I get that macular degeneration thing my grandfather had by then so I'm to blind to ever see myself. Or if god decides to smile on me, maybe when we go out sunday we'll get in a car accident and I'll die on impact...

[Reyes]

Huh, for the first time ever a few hours ago I looked up out of curiosity, images of the surgery process and all that.

And well, first off I will say some of those images had me going ew. But at the same time I wasn't bothered what so ever. Looking through them didn't change my desire to have it done one day at all. And quite a few of them were pretty graphic to! :3

[Reyes]

So, this is great, she said sarcastically.

I spilt some soda on my keyboard, first time I've ever done that to. And now the laptop is all screwed up to high heaven. Whenever I click a key, the computer registers like 10 different keys having been clicked as well. And very sadly there's no way to open my laptop to clean the keyboard, so I probably won't be on very much for I don't know how long. The only device I have now is my tablet and typing is agonizingly slow so I'll rarely be doing so sadly. I hope to speak to you all again as soon as possible.

[Reyes]

I TOLD MY THERAPIST!!

[Mariah]

That is fantastic. Congrats. Hugs
Mariah

I TOLD MY THERAPIST!!

[Reyes]

Thank you!

Sadly I don't actually know if I'll be seeing her again. She told me today that's she's starting her own practice. That's actually what gave me the push to tell her. I was like extremely on edge the whole time, made even more so by the fact that how she was talking about starting her own practice was strangely the same as what I'm going through, lol.

So finally with like five minutes left I think she was going to say alright you can go or whatever, but, and I don't even know how I actually managed it, but I asked for a piece of paper and a pen, I thought writing it down might be easier, but I was basically sitting there super stressed out, unable to bring myself to even touch the pen to the paper before finally I just gave up and said, yeah writing it down isn't going to work. In November I realized I was Transgender.

And I didn't even like stutter, or say it quietly or anything, and when saying the words, it felt good. Well, it felt a mixture of good and oh god no what am i doing, lol, so that's still a bit confusing. Even now I feel that way, glad I told her, and all why did I do that, at the same time. The fear of telling my family didn't change though, that's still just as terrifying to think about.

But anyway, after she starts her own practice, at the beginning of august, so pretty soon, but we'll see if she takes my insurance, and if so I'll continue to go to her at the new location, that would be preferable as I really like her, but if she doesn't, or until she does, she's still in the process of getting approved to take various insurances or something, I'm going to be seeing the other woman in the office. She said that she's very good, and though she didn't say anything cause of patient/doctor and all that, she basically implied that she sees one or more people who are transgender.

And she asked me if it was okay if she told the other doctor what I told her, and well I said god yes, though not those exact words, I mean it was only the thought that what if I never see her again that gave me the push I needed, I don't want to have to be all nervous and never talking again for who knows how long, so it'll be easier that way, her already knowing.

[Michelle_P]

I TOLD MY THERAPIST!!

Oh, Reyes! That is wonderful.  I know that must have been very hard for you, but it gets better from here.  Just sharing such a burden with someone is a big step.

Congratulations!

[Reyes]

Thank you Michelle!

Oh, and this is for everyone who sees this, you can call me Regan. I actually wish I could change my usename to it but.

[Dena]

Changing your user name is what moderators are for. Decide on a name and check it with the members tab on the upper right had corner of the screen to make sure it's not a duplicate. Once you have the name, let me know and you will receive an Email that you will use to reactivate your account after the change has been made.

[Reyes]

Huh, so I'm not sure, but did I have like a mini nervous breakdown today?

Before dinner I got extremely aggravated with how my family was treating me, better detailed in another thread I made today, but it really wasn't any worse then usual, but I dunno what happened, I went to the bathroom to get ready, but when I finished I didn't leave the bathroom, I stopped just before the door and I just sank down to the floor hugging my knees to my chest and with my head between my legs. And I knew I had to get up, they were waiting, but I just did not want to get up, I didn't want to ever get up again honestly.

And I was like that for almost 15 minutes before I finally forced myself to get up, first by raising my head, and a few minutes later standing. And then for pretty much the rest of the night, especially during dinner, I just felt completely dead inside, I just didn't see the point in arguing with them about anything, and I think I only said like 3 words all through dinner.

Plus for awhile my balance was kinda off, until I sat down in the restaurant. And when I first went outside, walking to the car it was like, I dunno, like my vision was messed up somehow and I felt kinda lightheaded, which did not help with my lose of balance let me tell you.

Honestly I don't know what this was, but in middle school I had a nervous breakdown and curled up at my desk and wouldn't move till they had to basically force me. I think that's how it happened, I don't remember much anymore, I know this like really mean teacher told me she'd spoken to my mom, and the way she said it, I asked what she told her, and she refused to tell me, and I kept asking again and again, and eventually curl.

But yeah, from what I remember this seemed similar but I really don't know. 

[Dena]

I am not sure because I don't think I have ever hand one but it sounds like a Panic Attack. They seem to be more common in the transgender population possibly because of the stress we are under before and during the transition.

[Michelle_P]

Regan, that sure sounds like a panic attack. 

Try to get off by yourself for a little while, sit, and focus on breathing, slow deep breaths. Just concentrate on the sensation of air moving in and out.  Close your eyes, and try to visualize the tension and worry draining out from your head.  Let it flow down your arms, out of your body with each breath.  Feel the muscles in your neck and shoulders relax.  Just think about the air moving in and out as you breathe, and focus on that sensation.

Yes, it's a meditation technique, and it may sound trite, but it works.

[Reyes]

Y'know I love looking at transistion timelines people post online. So many of them fill me with such hope seeing how much some of them changed, including several who looked so much like me who are now beautiful.

But at the same time, I don't know if it's a negative feeling, or one of those choked up seeing how great it is feelings, but as I look at the images I get this like feeling which I guess is what they call a frog in your throat, the fluctuates from not there to there as I look. What is this feeling?

[Reyes]

Quick update on me, today at dinner the place had this frank Sinatra impersonater performing, and the music was so extremely loud you can't even hear yourself talk. So at one point when the music was the loudest it had been, I just said, I'm transgender out loud, said it a number of times. I mean at least I think I said it out loud, the music as I said was very loud, but I felt the vibrations in my throat, so I must of.

I know it's nothing, but.

[Reyes]

Okay, so tonight, I was alone in the car with my grandma, and niece, my father and sister were getting something in the supermarket.

And I got the chance to tell her about how I saw online BBC was making a new miniseries of this play she likes. And I also told her how Wicked is getting a movie based on the Musical, and I couldn't believe it, she actually knew what Wicked was, I had no idea, and also apparently it was playing near us, hate that I just hear about that now.

But so then she's talking about how my sister treats her and this and that, and how good our cousin was when she was a teenager and all this, and I swear, while I was talking with her, I honestly feel like some of Regan was coming through while talking with, maybe at least twenty percent of me was Regan. Cause Robert would of never managed to actually say the line Times they are a changing, when talking about how of course my sister is different, they're thirty years apart.

I dunno, I get so aggravated with my grandma so often, and quite a few times over the years, hell, a few times each month, we get in like angry arguments, including my sister, and I get so pissed off, and she gets so angry at us. And yet at certain times when all alone with her, it's easier to talk then when around like my father. Not all the time though. It's kinda rare.

[Reyes]

So, weirdest bit of self hate I've had in awhile last night. For some reason for a short while I hated my name. My real name, not my fault birth one, always hated that.

But I love Regan so much, it was a little disconcerting when I felt that.