What to do when you realise you're trans?

[Hughie]

So I was about to head out to the passport office today to renew my passport. I had the passport photos taken a couple months ago but have been busy and haven't gone, but really need to deal with this now. But I just about fell over when I looked at the pic today.

I know passport photos are generally terrible, but I couldn't stop staring at how dreadful the photo is and how this really doesn't look like me. I'm going to go try again today. Hair is still long at the moment, but back, and let's see if that pic's any better. Need to check also if people need to reapply for a new passport and full fees for a legal name change as I debate the 5 vs 10 year option.

[Raye]

When I got out of the service I ended up throwing my ID's + paperwork down a hole and burying it on my Gramps' Winter/Summer home in Rhinelander on an island. Never to be seen again, no regrets I don't look back too easily.

When you find out your trans you simply accept it + come to terms with who you are. If your GD is soo terrible as it is for most of us, HRT is the only thing I know that has helped close the gap. We're either greatly confused and it affects us to do the most simplest of tasks or we're a mix of disgusted and disappointing with who we are currently before transitioning. Some of the guys I know just simply stop at Top Surgery without undergoing HRT. And they're happy with that people consider them Guys with a few 'girly' features, but pass none the less. But for us ladies eh... It's hit or miss whether we wish to undergo HRT + many of us do.

[Tysilio]

I've got a quick update tonight. I checked in with the charity that has me on the waitlist for counselling. I'm now #2 instead of #10 on the list, excited. Can't wait to see what they say, but it's hopeful that I'll see someone pretty quick.

I also went to the thrift store and another shop and got a couple of things. Retail therapy. Pleased with my finds, a couple good vintage scores.

That's great news, and I'm glad your retail therapy is working!

I know passport photos are generally terrible, but I couldn't stop staring at how dreadful the photo is and how this really doesn't look like me.

Yeah, walk, don't run, and get a new one taken! I did mine right after my name change, and I actually like the photo! I wish I had a copy of it -- I'd use it for other things!

[Elis]

So I was about to head out to the passport office today to renew my passport. I had the passport photos taken a couple months ago but have been busy and haven't gone, but really need to deal with this now. But I just about fell over when I looked at the pic today.

I know passport photos are generally terrible, but I couldn't stop staring at how dreadful the photo is and how this really doesn't look like me. I'm going to go try again today. Hair is still long at the moment, but back, and let's see if that pic's any better. Need to check also if people need to reapply for a new passport and full fees for a legal name change as I debate the 5 vs 10 year option.

I've put off taking my passport photo to renew my passport until a few weeks ago; even though I changed my name a year ago. I wanted to actually look like my true self in my pic. Before I hated how I looked now I'm ok with it and I'll actually be happy showing my ID. So if you can put it off a bit longer it's worth the wait and hassle.

[Hughie]

When I got out of the service I ended up throwing my ID's + paperwork down a hole and burying it on my Gramps' Winter/Summer home in Rhinelander on an island. Never to be seen again, no regrets I don't look back too easily.

When you find out your trans you simply accept it + come to terms with who you are. If your GD is soo terrible as it is for most of us, HRT is the only thing I know that has helped close the gap. We're either greatly confused and it affects us to do the most simplest of tasks or we're a mix of disgusted and disappointing with who we are currently before transitioning. Some of the guys I know just simply stop at Top Surgery without undergoing HRT. And they're happy with that people consider them Guys with a few 'girly' features, but pass none the less. But for us ladies eh... It's hit or miss whether we wish to undergo HRT + many of us do.

Ahaha, I love the idea of throwing all the ID down a hole, but alas. I am very good at digging holes and covering them back up again.

I'm doing much better with finally figuring out what was wrong. What it all means is a bit scary, but also exciting too. I feel so relieved, you know? And I do have the whole out-of-body thing going on lately, but now I know why. I'm cool with being a dude with girly features, but time will tell on that front, if and when I get to T-time.

[Hughie]

That's great news, and I'm glad your retail therapy is working!

Yeah, walk, don't run, and get a new one taken! I did mine right after my name change, and I actually like the photo! I wish I had a copy of it -- I'd use it for other things!

Oh retail therapy. Dangerous. I can't do that for a while now, but I scored a pair of gorgeous vintage oxblood Florsheim brogues (for $15!) that I'm way too excited about. I need to see if adding some insoles will help with fit - I have smaller feet. I do love the thrift store.

And I did go this morning to get another passport photo done, this time with hair back and all the fringe down. Since it's a passport photo, it's highly unflattering and yet a big improvement over the one from a couple months ago with super long hair, make-up etc. Even tho' it's dreadful, the new photo is less dreadful than the two month old one, so that's something.

I would LOVE to change my name, and I'm confident I will. I nearly did when I was 13 for various reasons. But now I've got the power, ha ha. But it's going to mean a whole lot of paperwork wrangling and I need a passport pretty quick. So I went for the five-year since they said they have do all the paperwork from scratch again to issue a passport with a new name.

[Hughie]

I've put off taking my passport photo to renew my passport until a few weeks ago; even though I changed my name a year ago. I wanted to actually look like my true self in my pic. Before I hated how I looked now I'm ok with it and I'll actually be happy showing my ID. So if you can put it off a bit longer it's worth the wait and hassle.

Unfortunately, I need the passport pretty quick for travel next month, and I'm too close to the expiry date, so I have to go ahead. Sorting out all the papers for name changes etc is going to be a project. For starters, I have no idea where my birth certificate is. And I need to look up all the rules. But I'm imagining that in a year or so, I would be able to change name, ID, etc, the works. Got to price this all out too. But then I'll get a new passport next year and I'll be in business.   And then I'll do the ten-year.

[Hughie]

Oh, and another bit of good news today: I have a counseling session tomorrow through the LGBTQ charity! They had a cancellation, so I'm in. It might be a bit of a wait after that, given that summer is a time that people are busy/away, but I'm just so relieved to talk to someone. Between the encouragement here and the promise of counseling, I'm in better spirits about everything. Also saw the psychiatrist today and he was happy to hear about the counseling and getting in so soon, and he was encouraging.

[Raye]

Ahaha, I love the idea of throwing all the ID down a hole, but alas. I am very good at digging holes and covering them back up again.

I'm doing much better with finally figuring out what was wrong. What it all means is a bit scary, but also exciting too. I feel so relieved, you know? And I do have the whole out-of-body thing going on lately, but now I know why. I'm cool with being a dude with girly features, but time will tell on that front, if and when I get to T-time.

Ahhahahaa if you can figure out which Rhinelander I'm talking about go for it. If it's any consolation I think your pretty passable for a Pre-HRT Man lol. Gawd you should see what I looked like Pre-HRT LOL. Although, the face is kinda being hidden so I can't be too sure, but the way you wear those glasses and that jacket man. You look like any guy I knew in HS playing Soccer + Track/Field.

[Hughie]

Ahhahahaa if you can figure out which Rhinelander I'm talking about go for it. If it's any consolation I think your pretty passable for a Pre-HRT Man lol. Gawd you should see what I looked like Pre-HRT LOL. Although, the face is kinda being hidden so I can't be too sure, but the way you wear those glasses and that jacket man. You look like any guy I knew in HS playing Soccer + Track/Field.

Your secret is safe with me.

Yeah, one of my favourite things is messing around with photos, so I've distorted it a bit, but that was me post-passport office today. I've got a less distorted version of this photo too. Too bad that's not my passport photo, lol. But it's a shame I have to wear so many layers in July, though. Summer has taken a vacation here.  Although I would love to take a pic of me with a hair cut and in some vintage duds. Hair is tied back here, but I like the longer sideswept fringe. I'll do a mid-length men's cut when I work up the courage.

[Raye]

Your secret is safe with me.

Yeah, one of my favourite things is messing around with photos, so I've distorted it a bit, but that was me post-passport office today. I've got a less distorted version of this photo too. Too bad that's not my passport photo, lol. But it's a shame I have to wear so many layers in July, though. Summer has taken a vacation here.  Although I would love to take a pic of me with a hair cut and in some vintage duds. Hair is tied back here, but I like the longer sideswept fringe. I'll do a mid-length men's cut when I work up the courage.

You seem like a guy who likes medium length hair. I would try a short hair style as well then grow it back out after getting on T. When I was a guy way before E I had extremely long hair and in some cases I think the hair that guys produce is just sexier because of the thickness. Than the fine hair women have, but that's just my personal opinion. I hadn't had my hair cut yet, but I find it very interesting feeling the difference in the lower portion of my hair. The lower parts are from Pre-HRT, but the hair nearest to the root is during HRT. And I can actually tell the difference between the two.

[Hughie]

You seem like a guy who likes medium length hair. I would try a short hair style as well then grow it back out after getting on T. When I was a guy way before E I had extremely long hair and in some cases I think the hair that guys produce is just sexier because of the thickness. Than the fine hair women have, but that's just my personal opinion. I hadn't had my hair cut yet, but I find it very interesting feeling the difference in the lower portion of my hair. The lower parts are from Pre-HRT, but the hair nearest to the root is during HRT. And I can actually tell the difference between the two.

I think I would need to do T before I could be so brave to cut my hair short. Actually, I did once, a loooong time ago. My hair was about an inch long. It was really, really not flattering on me, especially given my natural hair texture - unruly, frizzy. But it is thick. A bit of weight makes the hair settle down some, but I'd like to be able to have it both wavy and straight. Somehow for me, the hair thing is a major psychological thing. I've hidden behind my long hair for years (mid-back now, has been longer), so it'll be a big change for me as well as folks around me, so I don't think I could go from that to super short straight away. My biggest fear would be going bald. Yikes. I couldn't deal.

[Raye]

True would be something to cringe about! LOL

[Aclassi]

Hughie,

I am in a very similar situation to you, whereas I am just coming to terms and trying to figure out where I stand on the spectrum. I don't have advice obviously, but did click this thread to read the advice you were given. I just wanted to say hello, and was a bit relieved to see parallels between myself and someone else that is identifying as trans. I too do a lot of writing, always have, and most ALL of my characters that I write are or have been homosexual men. That started several years back, and has never really left me. It was one of the reasons I started questioning myself.

Good luck on your journey, I am very happy that you have come to realization of who you really are!

[Hughie]

Hughie,

I am in a very similar situation to you, whereas I am just coming to terms and trying to figure out where I stand on the spectrum. I don't have advice obviously, but did click this thread to read the advice you were given. I just wanted to say hello, and was a bit relieved to see parallels between myself and someone else that is identifying as trans. I too do a lot of writing, always have, and most ALL of my characters that I write are or have been homosexual men. That started several years back, and has never really left me. It was one of the reasons I started questioning myself.

Good luck on your journey, I am very happy that you have come to realization of who you really are!

Ahhh, cheers for your note! All I can say so far is that support from other trans folks here and the GLBTQ charity in my community have made a big difference for me so far in these early days, helping me feel like I'm not losing my mind and things will be ok in the end.

As for the writing, whew. I have many, many years of writing that I'm just.... stunned by and the realisation that I've identified with GLBTQ books for for well over twenty years now. Whew. Fascinating. My line this week is that the subconscious is far more clever the conscious mind. There's so many clues that I'm uncovering as I look over my past.

[Hughie]

Hey everyone! Another update... I saw the counselor today for the first time through the GLBTQ charity. He was absolutely lovely, about my age and very compassionate. Perfect. And I get twelve one-hour sessions for free. I'm stunned. So, that's a session per week for eleven more weeks. Very excited and so glad this resource is available to me.

The fascinating part today, even though it was the first session and there was plenty of paperwork to do, we did get into talking about all sorts of stuff... and that I'm still somehow seeking approval from my mother, even though I'm pretty much 40 years old. And I thought I didn't care about most folks' opinions, but I suppose hers has been loudest of all in my life so far. And I do have a history of pleasing others, rather than doing what I want do for myself. I suppose that training got in there early as a kid. So fascinating.

[Kylo]

Agreed that my core identity is the same. I'm still me. Same interests, values, etc.

There may be some changes ahead about how I'm treated, and my extended family (who I don't really have a relationship with anyway) won't accept it. Nor would my father, but he's been out of my life for many years now. The core people are still the same.

Professionally, things may change for me, at least short term. But this may give me the chance to do other things I've dreamed about, and have more freedom. My physical appearance will change some, but I'm still me. And I generally like myself as a person. I'm not used to having so much anxiety as I have lately, from the dysphoria that's been getting worse in the last couple months, as well as processing what all this could mean for me. It's been a high stress time for other reasons too, but taking it a day at a time. And I know I don't have to do anything before I'm ready.

Hopefully its main result will be a greater sense of freedom and ability to relax.

I find that until I am transitioned (not sure if it will change this for me but it hasn't changed otherwise in three decades) I feel like I'm in a straight-jacket. Just walking around outside there's an imperceptible pressure to hide myself from view with clothes or coats and to avoid people's eyes or presence... even to avoid many activities just because I don't feel comfortable with them in the context of a female body. I'm hoping that if something can be done to make that body less female, I won't have to walk stiffly around other people or avoid them so much and the mental cage door might be opened a little.

[Hughie]

I feel more comfortable too when my body is hidden. Have been working on losing some weight the last few weeks, and getting into more exercise to help. Making some progress. The less curves, the better. Ordinarily I'm fairly slim. I do what I can to hid my stomach and chest with clothes... I hate the feeling of breasts, sleep even with a sports bra or something to hide them. I have for years. The weirdest part for me lately is the long hair, so I'm trying to work up the guts to cut it. Even though I don't like it. Strange, I know.

I've gotten really angry lately when people call me crap like 'my lady', 'you're very pretty' etc. Because I don't look how I want to look. And i don't want to be admired for looking like a female. I feel like I'm faking it. And that some folks are seeing me how they want to see me, rather than how I am. It's very uncomfortable.

I would love to present as male. I know that's what I want, but the worry is more about how people around me will react. Some would be fine, others I don't know.