Dealing with Family Unacceptance?

[Austin Rodgers]

I really need help. I am 18 years old, ftm, pre-everything. I am come out to my parents, one friend, and a few therapists. When I came out to my parents a year ago, I thought they took it pretty well, my dad said he would do anything to help make me happy.

A year later today, it has completely changed. I scheduled myself an appointment with a new therapist, and mentioned it to my mom the night before; she flipped and told my dad. We all got up in the middle of the night and my dad was crying, saying I was out of control, how he needed to put me in a hospital (he can't do that because I am 18, I am in control of my life). I was so upset, I couldn't even control my emotions, I was all over the place. He kept saying that he had so many hopes for me, like to have kids. "I brought you into this world as a girl, that is what you will always be." "You say you're unhappy? You make me miserable, I have thought about ending my life multiple times." At that moment I knew this was really serious.

"If you're going to be like that, I can't be around you." He was saying how that is the only reason I have a job was because of this. He wanted me to move out and get away from him. How he is so embarrassed by me and will never be proud of me. I know he was upset, but damn it have some respect for me.

Now a few months later, they both act like nothing ever happened. I guess he just expected me to never bring it up again. I need help because I don't know what to do.

[Heather]

Hey Wesley I'm sorry for what your going through I've been through that too. Your family is going to go through a whole range of emotions and outbursts and arguments before it gets better. I know it will get discouraging at times and it will seem like it will never get better. It will take time for your parents to accept they have a son instead of a daughter. But don't give up hope just stay strong.
The best advice I can give you for your situation would be to move out of your parents house established your own life away from them as soon as you can. Honestly because it will get worse before it gets better but it will get better.

[Ms Grace]

Sorry to hear that is happening, it is however a fairly common situation. When you first came out they probably decided that you'd "get over it" and that "it was just a phase". The fact that you have started a path that may lead to transition has swung the issue into sharp focus for them. They are beginning to realise you are serious and that they now have to face up to that. Transition impacts heavily on most parents, even those who are accepting struggle with aspects of it. It may be your folks swing away from acceptance but hopefully in time they will learn and grow with your progress too. There may still be points where apparent progress takes a major step backwards but the long term is the goal. As long as they aren't trying to wilfully sabotage you and aren't being vile about you then you stand a good chance of things eventually working out.

[2cherry]

Your story sounds familiar, it hits home here.

I look at it this way: I can't choose my family, and I don't have to put up with people who do not accept me, no matter who they are. That's the bottom line for me.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

"Acting like it never happened". Parents can truly be the most selfish of all. Part of the parent-child dynamic that doesn't get talked about. We talk about parents who act like children, but we don't talk about parents who continue to treat a growing adult as a child and not as someone who deserves the slightest respect they would give anyone else.

You can't live your life for your parents, that much is clear. As long as you are able to be financially independent, I would suggest therapy to kind of talk out your pain and grief over how your parents have treated you. It helps to have a sympathetic ear. If you are financially dependent on them you are in a much tricker situation because you desperately want to transition and they can veto that. That's a seriously messed up situation and I would think long and hard about maybe finding a way to get independent quickly. In north america if you're 18 you can apprentice with a labor union in the construction trades. They pay you wages while you're learning. There's also trucking but I wouldn't recommend it. (Earning potential is not what it was.) Getting a commercial driver's license is a smart move, though. I'd say military, but not in the US. If you can type you can temp but the pay is not good with little opportunity for advancement.

[Contravene]

My parents and my dad in particular actually made the exact same comments when I came out.

It's possible that your parents thought it was only a phase when you first came out or who, knows, maybe they did intend to support you while heartedly but now that you're taking action by making appointments for yourself it finalises things and they're kind of smacked with the reality of the situation.

The first thing I learned (by going to therapy) is that, if your parents are anything like mine they're going to say a lot of things they don't mean at first. Their emotions are going to just come spilling out. So try to take what they say with a grain of salt. When you were born, or possibly even before you were born, your parents started developing expectations for what they thought you would be like and what they thought you would do with your life. It's hard for people to change their expectations sometimes. A lot of parents even go through a grieving process so they can come to terms with that fact that the life they had planned for you in their minds isn't the life you're actually going to have. It sounds like right now your dad is in an anger or depression stage. Let him work out his emotions and it should pass. Be firm and remind them that this is your life and you need to live it the way you plan, not the way they plan for you to. Your expectations for yourself are the only ones you should ever feel the need to honor.

Acting like things never happened might mean that they're in the denial stage. They probably want to act as if it didn't happen because, although it's not your fault, coming out to them turned a big part of their life upside down. The sooner they get through the different stages of grief the sooner they'll reach acceptance.

Another thing to remember is that you can't make life choices for them either. If they decide to be unaccepting (for however long) that's their decision and it's no fault of your own.

[Roses and Songs]

   HHi, I transitioned at 50, 6 years ago and thanks to internet we can now read and get a lot of info about trans realities before even having taken any decision. So that's what I did and I saw somewhere that we had to be careful with our expectations on how people around us were gonna react to out coming out and that even the members of our family could reject us. My folks being relatively well educated, middle-high with much more in their bank accounts than most, (not me, them) I figured that the warnings I had read were for disfunctional families, not mine that's for sure. I haven't seen my dad since I transitioned, we never met. He refuses to see me and I heard he still calls me by my old name. Family events are always at my sister's but she stopped inviting me but kept saying ''we still love you'' so I cut with her 3 years ago and same with my mom but a year ago. I waited 5 years for them to come around, didn't happen so I eventualy rejected them completely myself and started a new life as an orphean. I got used to it and I'm usualy doing great but I would never take the risk to start seeing them again, it's over for good. We humans have an incredible capacity to adapt to just about any situation and make the best of it, I am living proof. For a couple of months now, loneliness caught up with me like never before and the pain and the tears never stop but it has nothing to do with them, I need a friend. Ok enough, I don't like doing this but at least now someone knows, it had been a while. Thanks, Rose.

[Kylo]

The best thing to do is move toward independence and living your own life, which is what you would more than likely be doing anyways even if you were not trans.

Your parents may never be proud of you, or speak to you again, but that is not the end of the world. I say this as someone who also had crap from so-called liberal, caring parents who now treat me like "someone they know" rather than their kid. But that actually happened regardless of me being trans simply because I moved away for a job (which they sort of hold against me) and because my mother is selfish and controlling and doesn't like an equally strong personality in the room with her. There's no guarantee we'll have the perfect family when we get born, but the good news is, you do have the ability and potential to go off and make good friends, and have your own family, and make it loving and tolerant and all the things you would have wanted from this one.