Obsessed with passing and want to stop thinking about it

[starting_anew]

So my bf and I have been together for almost nine months now, and this is by far the most wonderful relationship I've ever been in.  I'm really lucky to have met him so early in my transition (we met while I was pre-HRT) and be seen and recognized as female from day one of our time together. 

Of course, his family and friends (like my own friends, and over time even my family) gender me correctly and treat me really well. 

Unfortunately, at the start of our relationship, while I was much more androgynous, I'd sometimes hear slurs, threats, and get hostile looks when I was in public.  Over time, I've gotten to the point where I'm on high alert at all times.  I constantly look around me, and sometimes I'm way too anxious to even leave my house. 

Understandably, my bf gets upset sometimes because it does seem no one is gawking or being hostile with me at this point in my transition, and actually it's been almost 2 months since the last time I heard someone call me sir.  He's very gentle with me though, and has gone out of his way to show me he's going to be patient with me.  But I do realize that sometimes my anxiety/paranoia gets in the way of me being fully present for him, and I want to stop obsessing about passing or not passing so I can enjoy my life, and especially continue growing in my relationship.

My bf exclusively dated cis women before me, so I know this is his first time having to grapple with these kinds of issues, and I'm especially mindful of burdening him with my own stuff when he's still relatively new to it all.

When did people stop obsessing about passing?  Do you eventually get to the point where you feel safe? 

[cindianna_jones]

It took a few years for me. Once the snide remarks cease, you will start to change your self perception. Oddly enough, self confidence helps you pass better.

[Lady_Oracle]

I still don't feel safe completely but its just cause of the area I live in, which is the south. I do pass well enough that my safety isnt as much of a concern as it used to be, regarding transphobia. Now I have the same worries any woman my age has to deal with out in public. In all honesty though once the passing issue was over, a whole new set of problems came after that.

[stephaniec]

31 months and it still happens in crowded places

[Katiebelle]

Gosh, that sounds like a wonderful problem to have... I do the same thing when I go out. Of course, I don't look like a woman at all. I'm pre-hrt, fat, have short hair, and just don't really pass at all ):

And before I say anymore I don't mean that your woes aren't valid. They are very valid. Obsession over passing and fitting in sucks.

I guess what I mean to say is that I'm happy for you that you have found someone kind and caring. I'm happy for you that you haven't been sir'd in two months

Sent from my BLU STUDIO X using Tapatalk

[barbie]

You are very lucky as you have such a nice and mindful gentleman. Yes. I also have a few male friends who chat and drink together frequently, but the relationship is just between friends per se, not any more.

Although I am not on HRT, I no longer care so much about passing. Strangers call me as a woman, but all my acquaintances, colleagues and students know well who I am. Some of my colleagues sometimes praise my beauty, but my personality and professional performance is far more important to them.

barbie~~

[starting_anew]

Gosh, that sounds like a wonderful problem to have... I do the same thing when I go out. Of course, I don't look like a woman at all. I'm pre-hrt, fat, have short hair, and just don't really pass at all ):

And before I say anymore I don't mean that your woes aren't valid. They are very valid. Obsession over passing and fitting in sucks.

I guess what I mean to say is that I'm happy for you that you have found someone kind and caring. I'm happy for you that you haven't been sir'd in two months

Sent from my BLU STUDIO X using Tapatalk

Looking back on my post I do feel a bit weird having written it.  Sorry if it sounded a bit "woe is me" .  I am happy with where things are at, but now my mind is too messed up (from when I was harassed/threatened all the time) to appreciate things.

If it helps at all, I had no hope of being called anything other than 'sir' around this same time last year.  Things definitely do change, and in some cases, they change more quickly than you might expect.  I like what lady oracle said - that once passing is less of an issue, other issues come up.  Pre-HRT my big concern was "what am I getting myself into?," and now I worry about different things.  A year from now, my post will probably be something I relate to a little differently.

[Devlyn]

I'll try to give you a different perspective. I'm not a man or a woman. "Passing" for me would be defined as what? Now I could spend my life obsessing over what other people think I should be like....but I ain't got time for that! Live as yourself, and for yourself.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Katiebelle]

Looking back on my post I do feel a bit weird having written it.  Sorry if it sounded a bit "woe is me" .  I am happy with where things are at, but now my mind is too messed up (from when I was harassed/threatened all the time) to appreciate things.

If it helps at all, I had no hope of being called anything other than 'sir' around this same time last year.  Things definitely do change, and in some cases, they change more quickly than you might expect.  I like what lady oracle said - that once passing is less of an issue, other issues come up.  Pre-HRT my big concern was "what am I getting myself into?," and now I worry about different things.  A year from now, my post will probably be something I relate to a little differently.

I hope I didn't come off as if I thought you were being "woe is me-ish"...

I did mean to say that I understand the obsession. Even now when I'm at home with my accepting, supportive wife, I get upset because I feel like I'm not feminine enough. Sometimes it's just when she's telling me she thinks I'm pretty and I'm in total male mode... I do get it and do understand and do believe it is a real woe that you have the right to have.

You feel how you feel. I remember when my brother's ex wife got all hoity toward me when I was complaining about my dad because, unlike her, I had one. It's all about perspective and all feelings are valid.

I really hope I can come to pass like you do. You must be an amazing gal to have made it so far.

Hugs,
Katie

Sent from my BLU STUDIO X using Tapatalk

[Katiebelle]

Looking back on my post I do feel a bit weird having written it.  Sorry if it sounded a bit "woe is me" .  I am happy with where things are at, but now my mind is too messed up (from when I was harassed/threatened all the time) to appreciate things.

If it helps at all, I had no hope of being called anything other than 'sir' around this same time last year.  Things definitely do change, and in some cases, they change more quickly than you might expect.  I like what lady oracle said - that once passing is less of an issue, other issues come up.  Pre-HRT my big concern was "what am I getting myself into?," and now I worry about different things.  A year from now, my post will probably be something I relate to a little differently.

"What am I getting myself into?"

That's how I feel right now. I'm scared, sad about myself (some of the time) and in a weird spot because I'm finally embarking on this path with fervency.

I have a GT now and I should be starting hrt very soon.

Oh, how wonderful!

Sent from my BLU STUDIO X using Tapatalk

[starting_anew]

I really hope I can come to pass like you do. You must be an amazing gal to have made it so far.

*Hugs*.  Thank you for your sweet words.  Trust me, if I can do it, anyone can.  I've posted my timeline elsewhere, but  here it is again.  You can see how masculine I was at the start of my transition (voice clips included), and how things changed over time: http://imgur.com/a/JL1bZ

I really look forward to the day you feel better .  And try to accept it when people tell you you look pretty... I know how hard it is to believe those words when you can't see someone you can relate to in the mirror yet, but it could be that others are seeing glimmers of the woman you will bloom into... Trust me!

Also, that's so exciting about HRT... yay, congrats!

[starting_anew]

I'll try to give you a different perspective. I'm not a man or a woman. "Passing" for me would be defined as what? Now I could spend my life obsessing over what other people think I should be like....but I ain't got time for that! Live as yourself, and for yourself.

Hugs, Devlyn

Devlyn, I love your posts .  To be honest, it's always been non-binary people or gender non-conforming folks who've helped put things in perspective for me throughout my journey.  I have so much respect for this experience, and I can see how passing is not really even a thing if I can get myself to think about gender a little less rigidly.  As long as I feel safe, I think that's something I'd like to work towards

[Devlyn]

I'll try to give you a different perspective. I'm not a man or a woman. "Passing" for me would be defined as what? Now I could spend my life obsessing over what other people think I should be like....but I ain't got time for that! Live as yourself, and for yourself.

Hugs, Devlyn

Devlyn, I love your posts .  To be honest, it's always been non-binary people or gender non-conforming folks who've helped put things in perspective for me throughout my journey.  I have so much respect for this experience, and I can see how passing is not really even a thing if I can get myself to think about gender a little less rigidly.  As long as I feel safe, I think that's something I'd like to work towards

We don't get the comfort zone, for lack of a better term, of blending into society. But I wouldn't want to anyway. I'll fly my freak flag high in the hope that it makes life easier for someone else later. 

Hugs, Devlyn

[Jessie Ann]

I don't know if you can ever get to the point where you feel "safe."  We are women and we need to be vigilant about our surroundings and the people who are around us.  I understand your feelings.  You've been made to feel bad by cruel and thoughtless people.  But you have changed.  You are no longer as clockable as you may have been previously.  Part of transitioning is not giving to others the power to define who you are.  By responding to their negative actions you give them the power to define you.  Only you should have that power.  So get out there girl and start enjoying life with your man! 

[starting_anew]

I don't know if you can ever get to the point where you feel "safe."  We are women and we need to be vigilant about our surroundings and the people who are around us.  I understand your feelings.  You've been made to feel bad by cruel and thoughtless people.  But you have changed.  You are no longer as clockable as you may have been previously.  Part of transitioning is not giving to others the power to define who you are.  By responding to their negative actions you give them the power to define you.  Only you should have that power.  So get out there girl and start enjoying life with your man!

Good point Jessie Ann.  Part of the fear I'm experiencing is just the normal fear that many women (cis and trans) unfortunately face in their everyday lives. 

[Soli]

wow I passed last night 

walking my dog past midnight, a guy on a bike went out of his way to come right up to me and got off his bike smiling to me. I was half unsafe, half flattered, I'm certain the way things happened he probably didn't see my upper lip shadow and thought I was a girl. He started following me but I had to stop cause my dog was sniffing something, he stopped too. So I crossed the street and said the word 'cat' to my dog so she barks (she's a german shepherd) but he kept following me from across the street, and I'm quite certain it's my dog that made him finally walk away, not because he thought I was not a woman.

So... My daughter had told me about this kind of rude behavior from men she lives all the time. I just realized yesterday what it actually means to pass. 

[Ellement_of_Freedom]

wow I passed last night 

walking my dog past midnight, a guy on a bike went out of his way to come right up to me and got off his bike smiling to me. I was half unsafe, half flattered, I'm certain the way things happened he probably didn't see my upper lip shadow and thought I was a girl. He started following me but I had to stop cause my dog was sniffing something, he stopped too. So I crossed the street and said the word 'cat' to my dog so she barks (she's a german shepherd) but he kept following me from across the street, and I'm quite certain it's my dog that made him finally walk away, not because he thought I was not a woman.

So... My daughter had told me about this kind of rude behavior from men she lives all the time. I just realized yesterday what it actually means to pass. 

Oh my! Thank god you have a german shepherd!

[Soli]

Oh my! Thank god you have a german shepherd!

well actually she, my dog, is the reason I have been out on the streets past midnight frequently past 10 years, like I have to go, but she is always very protective, if the guy would have been drunk or aggressive she would have barked and confronted him I know that, I feel safe with her, but that's the thing, he wasn't, the guy was very friendly in his approach and she didn't detect a threath, all this to say that my midnight walks just took it seems a new color, a new taste. I guess it's all good news, on my way to passing and being a female... and go through what females go through, I guess that's what it is... certainly cis women also always worry about how they look and how people react to them, so it's just: welcome to female world, I guess.

[April_TO]

Hello

It is normal to obsess about passing and blending in trust me I know LOL.

Firstly, passing comes with time and with it comes your confidence. I must admit when I first joined Susan's my post were mostly about passing and asking for tips to pass. However, I have learned over time that we just need to be comfortable with who we are which then makes passing so effortless.

You are lucky that you have a bf that loves you. Use this as a source of your strength and confidence. I am sure he sees a beautiful strong woman.

Keep that chin high, btw I know we live in the same city. TO is such a great city, don't be afraid to be who you are.  Hugs!

April

So my bf and I have been together for almost nine months now, and this is by far the most wonderful relationship I've ever been in.  I'm really lucky to have met him so early in my transition (we met while I was pre-HRT) and be seen and recognized as female from day one of our time together. 

Of course, his family and friends (like my own friends, and over time even my family) gender me correctly and treat me really well. 

Unfortunately, at the start of our relationship, while I was much more androgynous, I'd sometimes hear slurs, threats, and get hostile looks when I was in public.  Over time, I've gotten to the point where I'm on high alert at all times.  I constantly look around me, and sometimes I'm way too anxious to even leave my house. 

Understandably, my bf gets upset sometimes because it does seem no one is gawking or being hostile with me at this point in my transition, and actually it's been almost 2 months since the last time I heard someone call me sir.  He's very gentle with me though, and has gone out of his way to show me he's going to be patient with me.  But I do realize that sometimes my anxiety/paranoia gets in the way of me being fully present for him, and I want to stop obsessing about passing or not passing so I can enjoy my life, and especially continue growing in my relationship.

My bf exclusively dated cis women before me, so I know this is his first time having to grapple with these kinds of issues, and I'm especially mindful of burdening him with my own stuff when he's still relatively new to it all.

When did people stop obsessing about passing?  Do you eventually get to the point where you feel safe?

[KayXo]

I started my transition in 2004 and to be honest with you, the thought still persists. Despite having no problems blending, no one doubt my gender and people be stunned when I tell them I was born genetically male. There are days I still see "him" in the mirror and this is why my fears linger...The mind is a VERY powerful thing...but the more time spent with others who didn't know you before, living as a woman in society, interacting with others, mingling, etc, the more confident you will become.