Complete Mental Breakdown. TRAPPED!

[InnerBeauty22]

Yeah... So I'm not sure I can do this.... Just had a total mental breakdown after dinner last night with my family and fiance. I wanted so badly to just come out with it and tell them all how I felt but I just.... I ended up lying and toldd my bitch of a mother (who I don't live with thank god!) was just getting to me. To make matters worse I tried to rip it right off in the shower this morning. I just don't how much more of this I can take.

~Aria

[ChasingAlice]

sounds like you have to say it. write a letter and leave it where your family will find it. some will call you. if nothing else you will know where they stand and if they should be in your life or not. i had to ditch my family for years before they came around.

[InnerBeauty22]

Alright... I'll write it all out and leave it for them within the next couple of days. No matter what, it's killing me inside to keep it between me and my dad.

[ChasingAlice]

you're doing better than i was. my entire family raged against me. good luck

[Roses and Songs]

Yeah... So I'm not sure I can do this.... Just had a total mental breakdown after dinner last night with my family and fiance. I wanted so badly to just come out with it and tell them all how I felt but I just.... I ended up lying and toldd my bitch of a mother (who I don't live with thank god!) was just getting to me. To make matters worse I tried to rip it right off in the shower this morning. I just don't how much more of this I can take.

~Aria

Ah my dear, do I know how you feel. After I had taken my decision I kept it a secret for 4 years, NOT a good idea, it could have killed me but when I finaly told my mom she said: Ok, do you need help!

             Courage and strenght my friend, it could be easier than you think. Rose.

[DawnOday]

Alright... I'll write it all out and leave it for them within the next couple of days. No matter what, it's killing me inside to keep it between me and my dad.

Don't chicken out. Do it. Do it tomorrow, not in a couple days otherwise you can talk yourself out of it. I just came out to my family. The way I see it. They are either for it or against it (duh sounding like George Bush now) but it is my life. My kids know they are the most important people in my life as well as my wife Jo. But I have talked it over with Jo. She knows my history, she knows about my childhood and she seems to be anxious for me to continue. My kids on the other hand is another matter but I think it will be ok because my son is logical and my daughter is just the sweetest person in the world. Several of her girlfriends are Lesbian and they have been friends since high school. I've also told my sister and niece. Just for the relief of knowing you no longer have to hide is the most liberating feeling ever.

[Ms Grace]

Hi - I know you feel terrible but the good news is that you are not actually trapped. I know it feels like it with fibre of your being but there are solutions and positive ways forward.

Ask yourself, what would telling them do for you? Yes, they would know, and to a degree they would know how you feel about things. But then what? Are you going to start transitioning right away? If not are you still going to change how you present in front of them, ask them to use a different name and pronouns?

I don't know where you are in your transition, or if you are pretty much in the formative stages. Are you talking with a counsellor, it seems that you need to find a way to deal with your own feelings around your gender identity before you lay it on the others. If you tell them anything before you really know what you expect to do about it yourself then I suspect things won't go well. This is just a personal observation, but it seems to me that having some sense of purpose and a plan moving forward gives you much more to stand on if others are unsupportive. It may also help to tell them one at a time rather than all at once - one on one is daunting enough, but a whole bunch of people can be very unnerving. It's no wonder you didn't feel you could tell them, so please don't beat yourself up about it.

Personally, I'm not a fan of letters. I've heard too many stories on this forum about people leaving out letters and then, when no one talks to them about it (which seems to be common) they start to feel very uncertain and unsure about what is going on. But you have to do what you feel you need to. I don't believe you are "chickening out" if you chose not to tell them just yet - especially if it gives you the opportunity to get some clarity for yourself first.

BTW, I know you probably weren't serious about "ripping it off" in the shower, but seriously, don't do that. It would make things considerably worse for you as - should you decide to get GRS later down the road - you'll really need every part of that part of your anatomy for the process...

[InnerBeauty22]

Thank you grace, not trying to undermine the others here but that I think was what I needed to hear. At the moment Im calm and my dad knows so that's okay right now. I have this place so I can vent as much as I like until I know what it is that I'm doing. There is no rush and I'm okay with that.

And about the ripping it off bit. I was serious, but only partially... My own pain tolerance stopped me... Seriously though, its the one thing about my body that I hate more than anything. It's never since the day I was born felt like it was apart of me. I've always been trying to tuck it away or flat out pretend it wasn't there... It's the main reason I can't sleep naked, even when I'm with my fiance.

[JoanneB]

Which pain is worse?

What I need to do is often answered by answering that one simple question. Best not to when really hurting, some distance is needed to clearly evaluate the options. You know the reasons why you are holding back telling them. Only you know how valid they are and not driven by fear, shame, guilt, or whatever.

[WarGrowlmon1990]

I haven't had the best luck with coming out as per say. My sister's been great but still tends to misgender me. My mom basically told me to hide it until my kids are all grown up. And my fiance and I have had arguments over and over again about him supposedly "accepting me" only to constantly misgender me, on some days multiple times. I find that it's better than staying completely in the closet though. Despite my social anxiety, I have been gaining confidence bit by bit, so I have been slowly sticking up for myself. I know the feeling of wanting to rip off certain dysphoric parts, especially when it's one of those days where the dysphoria seems unbearable. Coming out can be very scary when you don't know how people will react, but it can be worth it, depending on your situation. But it's all up to you. If you wanna take your time, by all means go ahead. I came out when I felt I couldn't hold it in anymore and I felt like I was safe. I felt trapped too right at that moment.

[Kelly Girl]

Yeah... So I'm not sure I can do this.... Just had a total mental breakdown after dinner last night with my family and fiance. I wanted so badly to just come out with it and tell them all how I felt but I just.... I ended up lying and toldd my bitch of a mother (who I don't live with thank god!) was just getting to me. To make matters worse I tried to rip it right off in the shower this morning. I just don't how much more of this I can take.

~Aria

Hi Aria ,
I don't give advice unless asked . My experience was , I made a desicion to come out to my Family , and if they didn't like it , tuff crap . I'm a Punk Rock girl , so if your not with With Me Your against me , at all costs .
I became willing to do this even to family because I would have died spiritually or physically .
When the pain becomes great enough , we do two things . We come out and be genuine and free , or we die .
My results were amazing , and I thought they would all hate me ? They love and respect me more than ever .
That's my experience . Bless yiu and your struggle , I hope your answers come and come SOON :-)

[kylie1]

I know right where you're at.  I've lived my life with gender dysphoria.  After nearly 50 years it consumes my every thought and stresses me out.  I've lived a tortured life.  I come off as an Alfa male and I play the part.  Don't live a lie.  Your life is precious and you only have one.  Be true to yourself.
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