A few insights after a week on the river

[LizK]

I have just arrived back after spending the week on a houseboat with my Wife. We have had this kind of holiday before and are old hands at this having hired Houseboats on several occasions. This is the first time we have been able to go on our own.

For those who have never done this http://www.customshouseboats.com.au/houseboat-fleet/matilda-houseboat/...having had a look at the picture you will have a much better idea of what I am talking about. This is the boat we actually hired.

Over the first few days it became very apparent to me that I have been shoved into the male role for the holiday and was expected to do all the stuff that would be "expected" of a male...things like...driving the boat, re-tying all the ropes to make sure they are secured when we moor, sound knowledge of all things river, lifting all manner of heavy things, taking control when having to confront the owner about getting some heat, having a knowledge of things mechanical, having to make the final decision about everything. It was like, well we need a male on this holiday and you are it. In fact she got so into it that much, she made the most horrible transphobic comment I have ever heard from her and I doubt that she really understand quite how much it hurt me. It also triggered my dysphoria and I was pretty upset for the rest of the day and took me most of the next to get back on top of things again.

Don't get me wrong here we had a lovely time but it was clear that I was expected to pick up the male role without argument or hesitation. This is not the first time this has happened and I am beginning to wonder if my "patience" is beginning to backfire on me and I should just get on with transitioning at the pace I want too rather than making allowances for my family. That probably sounds ungrateful and selfish but I have heard these kinds of comments from her before..very rarely but enough to make me wonder if there is more going on...apart from what she tells me.

Does any of this sound familiar...I would hate to think that this is the truth of the matter and that she really feels the way she indicated to me by the throw away comment...trouble is, it is not the first time I have heard her say something like this and it is making me wonder if I don't have the full "story" from her about how she feels. After saying something to her about it the following day she said to me that "I never intended it in that way" I pointed out to her that from my end it was exactly "That way" and it hurt...Oh well she says that is not what i meant...so how did you mean it...there was no answer to this other than to say she was making a "joke"...it never went any further than that but it was no joke to me. On the whole she appears as my rock solid support but things just feel a little shaky when she says things like that...it makes me wonder if she is letting me in on how she really feels.

Liz

[BirlPower]

My wife also will say things that I find really hurtful though it might just be a comment in passing (no pun intended). We have to remember that they have seen us as men for all the time we've known them, 32 years in my case. It is a big adjustment for them to make and we can't expect them to make the adjustment overnight. In the past my wife has said that she felt she was walking on eggshells, afraid to say anything in case I got really upset. We talked this out a few times and now I work at not taking an unguarded comment from her too personally. I know the last thing she wants is to hurt me and it doesn't help either of us if I "take the huff" over a throwaway remark. I'm not suggesting for a moment that you are doing that, telling her how you feel in as matter of fact a way as possible is the best thing to do and it sounds like you are doing that. Just try to remember that this is a huge change for someone who has had a different mental image of you for a long time and she can't turn that around on a dime.

I hope that is correct use of US vernacular and that I'm not being overly presumtious about your past relationship with your wife.

If we want our wives to come with us on our journies then I think we have to be prepared to be tolerant of them as we hope they will be tolerant of us.

Hugs
B

[JoanneB]

My wife also will say things that I find really hurtful though it might just be a comment in passing (no pun intended). We have to remember that they have seen us as men for all the time we've known them...

If we want our wives to come with us on our journies then I think we have to be prepared to be tolerant of them as we hope they will be tolerant of us.

For many years roles In The Partnership, were clearly defined. 'X' took care of this and that. 'Y' was better or simply did the other things. In a new situation, perhaps feeling out her depth of course she will fall back on the old reliable division of labor and expectations from her partner. If she was stressed out over this change in a typical holiday getaway she was likely to fall back on to old habits that allowed her to survive this far in life.

Early on my wife would sometimes go "Hurtful". I saw it as justified since I did hurt her. I tried not to let it bother me knowing it was/is part of the grieving process. Plus Let's be honest, they did not exactly sign on for this trip and ARE hurt.

Sometimes you need to 'Take one for the team'. I did many times. I also did not let it fester either. Once all the emotionality of the moment (or more) passed, later that day or the next I would bring up how I was hurt. Most times it was the raw unfiltered reptilian emotions talking. Other times she'd admit to wanting to make me hurt a little, to feel some pain as she is

[LizK]

Thanks Ladies for your insights, I am not sure exactly how I am feeling about it. It struck me last night that I am neither one thing nor the other...I am excluded now from "male talk" and no longer included when it comes to "male things" by my friends and family but by the same token I am not included in the "female talk" or "female things" either. I desperately want to shake off this male overcoat and just be me.

I am not overly interested in many of the "male" things and never was but I was still included and asked which as I am transitioning I expected to stop which it has...I didn't expect to find myself out on my own...so to speak

I get that my wife of 30 years is hurting...I have done everything humanly possible to accommodate this really difficult situation for her but I have to ask...when is it ok for me to be the woman I am...when am I going to be allowed to be Liz? When can I express my needs and let the girl come out. I feel as though I am dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.

My wife has known about my gender issues since before we were married and I have spent about 25 of those years keeping it away from her as she "wasn't comfortable" Anytime I tried to express this side I was ridiculed in non direct ways and made to feel uncomfortable so I wouldn't.

I feel like I have "done my time" and its been over 18 months since I first really started talking to her seriously about my gender issues. I keep getting told, She has no issues, she is not upset anymore, You can dress and be who ever you are when ever you want. Which is fantastic to hear and shows great support, however all the other stuff remains the same...the expectations that have always been placed upon me as a "male" doing the "male" role remains firmly in place. So I can "frock up" as much as I like but I will always be seen as "male" and expected to fulfill the male role within the relationship. I can't do that...

I guess for me it comes back to being unsure, is she as fully on board as she says she is and if so how am I going to get her to start seeing me in a more female way. Any suggestions? The most obvious that I can think of would be to drop the androgynous look for around home and bring it out only when I leave the house. I fell a bit confused about it all...I think it's time to sit and have a chat.

Thank you both for the insights and I will keep your comments in mind while we are talking today...Just on that she says to me this morning that the 2 local Jewellery Shops are closing down and selling our stock at 50% off, would I like to go and have a look, also maybe I could pick up some warmer nighties or PJ's for my trip to NZ on Thursday...in light of what I have just written it makes me feel a bit stupid...it is a perfect example of how well she cares for and about me...hence why I want to be gentle in my approach and why I find it so difficult...I don't think she even realises when she does put me in that male role...she is so used to doing it. But I guess the question still remains how do I change that so she is less reliant on the "male me"? If I have always been her "anchor" (she has always been mine) maybe she see's the loss of the "male me" as the loss of her "anchor"? just a thought...

Transition is full of "hard parts" in many ways that you can't understand nor figure in your thoughts, until those hard parts happen.


Liz

[BeverlyAnn]

I know how you feel hon.  It's only been in the last few years that Deb has been comfortable with my gender issues.  For our first 30 years or so, it was kind of an out of sight, out of mind type thing.  She's getting better about calling me Bev, up to about 40-50% of the time now.  But she still uses masculine pronouns 99% of the time.  I know I haven't started full time yet but it still bothers me and makes me flinch. 

[LizK]

Hi Bev

Thanks for the kind words, I think this is more about me being ready to go to the next stage with my transition. Going home to NZ is still worrying me but will come along soon enough and be resolved one way or another.

I spoke to my wife today about all this and asked her how she felt things were going not just for me but for her as well. We talked about many things and she admitted that she still likes to have the "male me" around at times and thinks she probably always will. I can't say that I blame her for this and after 30 years of marriage I can understand why. I told her there will probably be parts of my "male me" that integrate into Liz that she will recognise...you don't throw the baby out with the bath water do you!! Beside after 52 years of male conditioning it is not about to cease overnight.

Liz

[SueNZ]

Hi Elizabeth,
In any relationship there needs to be someone who has to attend to certain duties.
The sad part is what we are trying to get away from is a really good strength. If a situation arose that was life and death we would never hesitate to use our strengths. When it comes to a choice, we would rather go with our heart.
When you come back to NZ and if in Tauranga you would like to meet, I would love the chance to meet up personally.
Cheers
Sue



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[LizK]

Hi Elizabeth,
In any relationship there needs to be someone who has to attend to certain duties.
The sad part is what we are trying to get away from is a really good strength. If a situation arose that was life and death we would never hesitate to use our strengths. When it comes to a choice, we would rather go with our heart.
When you come back to NZ and if in Tauranga you would like to meet, I would love the chance to meet up personally.
Cheers
Sue

Would love to Sue but I will be in Christchurch unless you fancy a trip to somewhere in between. I think what you say is true, if a need arose then I would do what I was able to.

Liz




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[SueNZ]

Hi Liz,
I will be in Christchurch from the 28th July until 1st of August. I am unsure of when you are over.
We will be in Australia in September and will be visiting Tasmania and then onto Sydney.
Maybe one day if the stars align, we may end up meeting in person.
Cheers
Sue