It had to happen eventually but I've had my first bad dream since I was 10 (stopped dreaming at all that year).
This was very traumatic to me and anyone who is easily shocked should leave now.
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I am sitting at my dining table. It seems like a normal day but as I look over at my son playing Skylanders on his Xbox 360 his right hand has a stump where his index finger should be.
Looking at him a memory comes into my head of me cutting off his finger with a set of secateurs while he screams.
There was no blood but I can see, feel and hear everything as real as the computer I am sitting in front of right now.
The memory is similar to when I look at "his" memories devoid of emotional content but all original stimuli is there.
Seeing me or at least my body doing that to my darling boy is more than I bear and I break down as I can't process the memory.
In distress I try to talk to my wife in the kitchen about it but she is entirely uncaring saying "It doesn't matter. Look at him he's fine". This only further upsets me as I can't purge the memory from my mind and see it over and over even down to putting the detached finger in the bin!!!
I wake up trembling with my heart racing not even registering that I was dreaming in a total panic over what I/he had done to my son. Eventually I realize it was a dream and it didn't happen but I still can't rest so I get out of bed and sneak into his room where he is sleeping peacefully; check his hands counting all 10 of his beautiful and intact fingers before going back to bed.
Even knowing it was a dream and that it didn't happen the memories still hurt and disgust me.
I lay awake not wanting to go back to sleep just in case I saw it again or worse.
Praying to whatever gods might be listening to not do that again.
In the 8 hours since that dream I have settled down and separated the memory from my real ones but I wanted to write about it in part to reassure myself that it was a dream and also in case anyone ever has a similar experience.
My shrink inside me breaks it down as a manifestation of my fear of losing control of my body again and somehow harming my family which is my primary fear. (nobody was ever physically hurt in the past btw)
I had been having some very serious thoughts that day regarding my fear after hearing about the alleged suicide of a mother at school. Just how far would I go to prevent losing my mind and letting someone/something else back in to my body. My answer was simple if something interrupted or prevented my medication I would destroy my body before it could destroy me.
Simple yes but had to be other options so back on the orchi train of thought. If I can get rid of my testicles then reversion should no longer be possible without stopping of meds and being forcibly injected with T (a highly unlikely scenario). When taken in balance it would be considered less severe to perform my own bilateral orchidectomy or a much more brutal version compared to swandiving from a great height. Did do some serious investigation and naturally the conclusion is resounding "Hell no!!!!!!!" but will tuck it away with my emergency "what if?" box of thoughts.
It does however reinforce that I need to pursue a properly performed bilateral orchidectomy sooner than I anticipated.
Not just to protect me & my family in the real world but even now in the dream world.
The prospect of ever getting another of those dreams is terrifying.
Ok I feel better now that's out of my mind and safely on screen.
