Ups and downs -- still fragile

[Asche]

I was starting to feel better.  I decided I was going to do some sewing, but first I would have to attack the Augean Stable of my living/dining room to create space to work.  So off I went to Staples to buy some containers to put junk in, and I was practically delirious in the car, saying stuff like, "I'm so happy hippy happy hippy happy!!"  I assume it meant I was happy, but I'm not exactly an expert on happiness.

Then, after I got the containers squeezed into my car, I walked over to a convenience store (because it's conveniently located next to Staples), and the guy there "sir"ed me.

Within a matter of moments I fell into a total funk.  I had this overwhelming feeling that, no matter what I do, everyone's going to see that I'm nothing but an ugly guy in a dress.  Oh, the people who know me will be polite and respect my name and pronouns, but they'll still see an ugly guy in a dress pretending to be a woman, not realizing how ridiculous he looks.  And I've spent the rest of the day feeling like someone socked me in the stomach really hard.

It doesn't change what I'm going to do -- I don't have any real alternative that I can see -- but it threw me right back into that black pit of despair I'd been trying to crawl out of over the past week or so.  Cue the usual "why would anyone want to see the 'real you' anyway?" tape.

Is this what I have to look forward to all through transition and beyond?

And it makes me wonder again, as I wonder whenever things feel bad and hopeless: was my chosing to stay alive 50 years ago really worth it?

ETA:

And there's (as usual) the little voice saying, "why don't you just shut up?  Nobody wants to hear your sniveling."

[BirlPower]

Hi Asche, I'm so sorry this has happened to you and that you feel so bad about it. I can only imagine how that might feel, and i do quite a lot and it keeps me in trousers in public. I've said before that I envy your courage. I know you said you don't feel you have a choice but still, I admire your ability to carry on even when it makes you feel so bad. I very much hope things get better for you as time goes on. You've only been on HRT for just under eight months so there is still much to be optimistic about in the future. Many people take a couple of years of HRT before they start to pass. How is your voice? Maybe the guy wasn't paying attention and responded to that? I hope you are feeling better today as I see you posted this yesterday, I'm sorry i didn't see it then to respond sooner.

I was in a pet shop with my wife and kids about a year ago, I was wearing obviously female trousers and a blouse. My hair was quite long but not yet long enough for a pony tail. I was wearing blue nail varnish. I was dressed like that as I was in a defiant mood at the time. The shop assistant helping us kept sir-ing me in a most pointed way, you know, saying sir a little too loudly at the end of every sentence. I think it was just my mood at the time but I found it quite amusing. I'd have felt awful if I'd been wearing a skirt.

I know it is much easier to say than do but I hope you can begin to let such things wash over you and not get under your skin. Most people don't intend to be mean, they just have limited experience.

Hugs

B

[Asche]

Hi Asche, I'm so sorry this has happened to you and that you feel so bad about it. I can only imagine how that might feel, and i do quite a lot and it keeps me in trousers in public. I've said before that I envy your courage. I know you said you don't feel you have a choice but still, I admire your ability to carry on even when it makes you feel so bad.

Thanks for reading and replying.  It's nice to feel that people hear me when I cry.

Anyway, it wasn't so much the misgendering that got me freaked out.  I mean, it did, but what freaked me out was how much I was bothered by it.  I've been dressing like this (well, without the wig) for years, and until recently it was just, oh well, what can you expect?  But now, all month I've been going into tailspins over stuff.

Speaking of "all month," I was at my support group telling people how weird (and scary) it was that a simple misgendering was sending me into a tailspin, when a trans guy in our group said it might be hormones; that when he went on T, he was amazed how much less he got knocked around by his emotions.

And then I remembered that I had my endo appointment at the beginning of the month, and she upped my hormones by 50%.  So maybe it's just hormones.

I have to say, though: if this is what hormones do to you, wow!  I'll never give a teenage girl a hard time about "emotional drama" again.

[stephaniec]

there is a cab driver in my area . He works for a cab company that I always use. I'm going to have to ask that he not pick me up because he refuses to call me anything but sir   I took cab rides him long before start of transition. He comes from a country that  has serious issues with trans people. It's getting far too ugly having to deal with him. He seems to get joy from calling me sir when I have make up and a dress on.

[Satinjoy]

Its tough.  But as you said, what else are we going to do.

Easy for me to say since i can pass as any gender.  But that misgendering, yeah its hard, but from what I have heard, there comes a point where it doesn't sting quite as much.

Even for me, I am getting to the place where I just don't car a rats a--s what anyone thinks or who knows I am a transgender person.  Besides, maybe it'll help the next person coming along, as we ruin the demonized stereotype that is being forced by the bigots.  Because when they find out we are just people, they cant pull the stereotype.

But yeah, it takes being a rock, and its real helpful to hang out with other transfolk, cause we all get it, we all have been there.  And need each other a lot.

So cry and whine, please, and the fairy will give you a hug some day, one I think you need dear one.

By the way Asche, I was out full out sh'e going into my gender therapist, and asked their secretary for the key to the bathroom.  Its a large office with a lot of psyche folks, and not a trans place.

Darned woman handed me the key to the men's room. 

Takes a while to get over that.  I handed it back, she said some kind of bs about having cataracts.  But it hurt.  I got misgendered about 5 times that day.

But a cis lady held the woman's room door open for me when I went in.  That little act of kindness made a world of difference.

Look for the little moments honey, life is full of them.  The wind on your legs, in your hair, seeing yourself in your eyes, eyes now made up to be you, being yourself, daring to be true to you... much to esteem, much to be happy about.

Satin Joy

[Asche]

Its tough.  But as you said, what else are we going to do.

...

Look for the little moments honey, life is full of them.  The wind on your legs, in your hair, seeing yourself in your eyes, eyes now made up to be you, being yourself, daring to be true to you... much to esteem, much to be happy about.

Yes, sometimes I can go for a walk in a dress (and my wig) and enjoy feeling the wind in my face, seeing the sailboats on the Tappan Zee, feeling the swirl of my skirt and life is good.

But if I look at myself, the feeling crumbles.  When I look at my face, I just feel ugly.  When I look at my body, I feel irredeemably ugly, inside and out, and I just want to crawl into a hole and forget I ever existed.  And when someone reminds me that they see me, I feel like a blight upon the earth.

It seems like the only way I can bear existing is if I can forget that I do exist.  Funny thing, this is how I survived as a child: as much as possible, hide away from everyone else and do stuff that distracts me from the awareness that I exist.

Up until a month ago, I was able to go about my daily life and do stuff while somehow avoiding being aware of my existence.  That ability seems to be broken, now.

I keep thinking of Frankenstein's monster.  As described in the original story, he is a rather human soul trapped in a body that everyone (including his creator, Dr. Frankenstein) sees as some dreadful, dangerous abomination to be killed or driven away.  The only human relationship he has is when he's helping a blind old man in a small Swiss village during the day while all the sighted inhabitants are away at work.  But even the blind old man turns against him when a sighted villager comes back and sees the monster and tells the old man what he looks like.

[stephaniec]

sounds as though your a bit hard on yourself.

[Asche]

sounds as though your a bit hard on yourself.

Believe me, if I knew how to be easier on myself, I would.

These feelings just rise up and flood over me, like when the city sewer backs up and spills raw sewage all over the place and floods your home  and you're standing on the stairs to upstairs and watching your living room fill up with what you'd rather not know.  (Image taken from an actual news story here.)

Mostly, when it happens, I just try to "hold on" (like Paul and Silas in the song) and hope they will pass.

[Satinjoy]

Whatever the case we are here for you.

Sounds pretty sh_tty.

[IdontEven]

Up until a month ago, I was able to go about my daily life and do stuff while somehow avoiding being aware of my existence.  That ability seems to be broken, now.

I hear you. I miss that ability myself. It's like you already said, all we can do is hang on. And try to have hope that better times await.

P.S. My personal monster is Quazimodo.

[Hunchdebunch]

I can relate, I really can. I can't seem to do my grocery shopping without getting 'madam'ed', and more often than not it will really really mess with my mood. I try very hard not to let it get to me, but I end up having similar thoughts to those you mentioned. 'People will always see me as a gender non-conforming woman', 'no one will ever see me as myself', 'why is my voice so high pitched', etc.

I'm sorry that I don't really have any good advice about this, as it's something I'm struggling with too. I just thought that maybe knowing that someone else has had similar feelings might be a comfort, as one of the hardest things I find is that I can't seem to make other people understand why I struggle a lot.