The Three D's: Dysphoria, Doubt, and Desperation.

[likethedinosaur]

Hello, my name is Charles, but I go by Arlo. I'm FTM except....I'm not sure.. This is my first time on a forum so I don't know if I'm doing this right (please bear with me). When I was little I was always called a tomboy. I liked playing with dinosaurs, I liked darker clothing, shirts with collars, and other things like that. I always felt different and like my skin didn't fit me right. I was never properly educated on the LGBT+ community until recently. I'm 18. The thing is I was always told that I would become girly, that I would grow out of liking the stuff I like because I'm a girl and I had to. So I also played with barbies and baby dolls and I liked it. I liked the idea of being a parent mostly. And I made myself grow out of it... Mostly. I'm still a huge nerd and am interested openly in tons of things considered masculine, but I also like clothes and makeup. I suppressed everything I was feeling until I could ignore or forget I was feeling it. Of course this meant it only got worse. One day we were watching a program about a Trans girl and my mom explained to me that being Trans felt like you were born into the wrong body. I never felt that. I always felt like this is my body it just doesn't fit me right yet so it didn't occur to me that I could be Trans. Now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I am Trans I'm freaking out. At times I feel completely confident that I am and then I'll get hit with a wave of doubt that maybe I'm not and I'm just being stupid. I'm terrified of coming out to my family. I've gotten into fights with them over their transphobia and it affected me so much and this was before I even realized I was Trans. I misgender myself on accident all the time which also makes me feel like maybe I'm not. If I transition I don't think I'll be happy until I'm passing. I can't help feeling like I'm not a boy until other people see me as one. Maybe that's my problem. I don't know I'm just very confused, scared, and desperate for both answers and peace with myself finally. Any help is appreciated.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. While I can't decide what you are, I can help you a bit with the process. Gender isn't black and white and there are many shades of gray in-between. I finished my transition years ago but I earned my living programming and doing design work on computer. I am currently working as a land lord and I do repairs on the buildings, lock smithing and electrical. Make two lists, On list is things you would like to do and be in the future and the other with things you dislike about your life and you hope never to do again. This my help you learn what will make you comfortable in life. It's possible you are non binary and rest somewhere in between male and female. We have many on this site who feel that way and they have found that rejecting the traditional roles brings them the most comfort. I am going to give you two links. The first is our WIKI where you will learn more about being transgender. The second is "the transition channel" which is more transsexual orientated. Review this information and if you have questions ask them on this thread and I will do my best to answer them.

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[AnxietyDisord3r]

"Born in the wrong body" is an oversimplification that is sold to cis people. Almost none of us actually relate to that notion. We say things like "I have a male brain in a female body" or "I like my breasts, just not on me--I wish I could trade with someone who wanted them".

Having doubts is very, very common. First of all, all LGBT people are forced by our society to somehow "justify" belonging to a sexual minority. There is enormous pressure to conform to the cis hetero life that has been chosen for us. We're also pathologized when our condition, gender dysphoria, is conflated with body dysmorphia. If you're American, there's the other hurdle that American culture doesn't like to discuss anything below the neck, so to speak, and the main foci of dysphoria are the primary and secondary sex characteristics. It's really hard to talk about -- and be taken seriously talking about -- your inability to cope with the shape and form of your sex characteristics when it's a taboo subject.

I think you are trans because you are on this forum talking about these things. Don't worry about whether you played with dinosaurs or dolls. Choice of playthings is a matter of gender expression. Gender expression is a separate axis from gender identity. Trans people are much  more likely than cis people to have atypical gender expression, so you really can't draw any conclusions about your transliness from your choice of toys as a child. Nor is your gender expression now much of a clue. It's really all about dysphoria. If you have dysphoria, you should be considering hormones and surgery. If you don't have dysphoria, then you should be thinking about how you want to express yourself to find your authentic self. It is possible to be trans without dysphoria but you are describing dysphoria. The only treatment that works for dysphoria is hormone replacement therapy and corrective surgery. You can see a psychiatrist and try to bandaid over the dysphoria with anti-depressants so you can function, but that's just papering over symptoms and the underlying problem will never go away. I don't recommend this outcome--I marinated in female hormones for years and it had a negative impact on my physical and mental health. I was on anti-depressants and they didn't cure the ongoing health issues I was having due to Estrogen. I was always feeling sick. I took every allergy remedy there is. My blood was tested for everything. I took supplements. Nothing worked. I had to go on medication for migraines as well, which only sort of works (it attacks the worst of the attacks). You know what ended it? Testosterone shots.

[Peep]

There are loads of ftms and other transmasculine people out there that never played with toys viewed as masculine, or that did but now they like to wear make up and dresses - just as there are many cis men who like to wear make up or feminine clothing styles. It just happens that as trans people, society holds us to much more rigid gender notions than cis people are held to.

It can be confusing but you just have to remember that you know yourself best. I tend to imagine that i was assigned male at birth, and think - if i did this or liked this, would i have people around me telling me that i HAVE to transition to female? I don't think that's likely, and so logically my hobbies or interests can't prevent me from being male now.

It's also possible that you're trans, but you're not 100% binary - it might be worth exploring non binary genders as well. That said, don't feel that you have to identify as non binary just because you like things some that society sees as female

As for your family, you don't HAVE to come out to them immediately unless you want to. If you don't feel safe doing so it's okay to wait until you're at a point where you do. If you're 18, it may be possible for you to start the process by yourself depending on your finances/ living situation. Sometimes, families that start out transphobic are just not educated enough, and having a trans person in their lives motivates them to get educated and changes their opinions. If you're lucky but you know your family best so that decision is up to you.

There are a lot of trans communities online that might help you cope in the closet, including here, and tumblr, youtube and ->-bleeped-<-, as well as some secret facebook groups for ftms or transmasc people.

It's also acceptable to feel like you're not the gender you feel you are until society acknowledges you as one. it's reasonable to feel that way when you consider the way that society affirms binary gender and gender roles - cis and trans people are raised to expect other people's view of you to be part of your gender identity. It shouldn't be important to us, in an ideal world, but it often is, and that's not our fault

[WarGrowlmon1990]

     Like you, I was told that I would "grow out of" masculine things because my mom would tell me that happens when you "have to grow up". A few years ago when my denial was the worst I forced myself to dress and act more feminine. I then wondered why I felt so depressed and uncomfortable in my skin. Now that I know I'm really a guy, I'm no longer lying to myself and pretending to be something I'm not. But it's hard when the rest of society doesn't see you as what you truly are. When I first started learning about the different gender identities I thought I may be non-binary, but after doing extensive research I've realized that I'm a binary transgender guy. I don't like dresses or makeup, but a love adorable things (especially babies ^_^) and I'm too sensitive for my own good. And that's okay. If cisgender guys can be accepted as guys while crossdressing and not being stereotypical, why can't us trans and non-binary people be accepted as who we are? That's one of the many cis privileges I don't understand. And I don't think I ever will. I think the emphasis cisgender people put on gender roles/stereotypes is one of the biggest reasons we are kept in denial and self-doubt. Probably the best thing you can do for yourself while you're unsure is talk to different people on here and read about the different gender identities. I believe you're either a binary trans guy or on the non-binary spectrum. So far I find that coming to this site and talking to other people with similar experiences helps tremendously.

[WolfNightV4X1]

Dude, let me tell you I too have gone through all the phases and feelings you describe.

I was the same as a child, and towards my teen years decided to pick up on more 'feminine' habits in a way to accept something I thought I had to be.

But in the end...I gravitated back. My self confidence lies in masculinity.

...and I too do not feel 'in the wrong body'. Its my body. Primary and Secondary sex traits are what make us 'male' and 'female'. So the way I see it is everything in your genetic makeup is the same, but something about chromosomes and hormones is 'off' per se. Its not you. You're not what everyone thinks you are, you know for a fact something is wrong and uncomfortable and doesnt fit.

Just thought Id confirm your feelings are mutual, coming from a guy already on T. Jump on it now, trust me the closer you get the more right it feels, even if it scary at first

[Daria67]

When I was young I felt soon different than everyone I was supposed to be like. "Go play with the boys" I was told countless times. At the same time I spend the entire weekend building a Lego moonbase. Like someone said, gender is not binary. It took me far too long to realize this. Today I am comfortable being simply ME, not what I thought I was supposed to be

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