Dealing with Dysphoria, emotional moodswings and friends

[hibiki]

Hello all,

I am dealing with issues on work and gender dysphoria, which i am really trying to just explore a non transition or closet role as simply more feminine and comfortable with my body and inner self. It is not easy. I do not feel comfortable with myself remaining this way, but i just kept telling myself that this is better for my family, career and I will be happier this way. However, this is giving me regular moodswings and gender dysphoria. I gave myself to the end of the year trying this out before going to seek help and deciding whether to medically transition as I would like to prevent impulsive decisions.

I have came out a few months back to a few girlfriends on my gender identity. They have expressed support and also said they felt more comfortable with me as a woman. After coming out, we are able to do some feminine activities together which wasn't possible before and it has been great. I was able to talk and be more open about my emotions,  being ecstatic or sad about things. We are also able to chat about fashion preference even though I do not cross-dress and overall relax on my rigid actions and shell i have carried for 27 years whenever I am with them.

However, over the past few months, things have changed. I sense that they are not so okay with those heart to heart talks and are distancing themselves from it. Usually, during the periods of moodswings, I will feel sad and depressed. While I will talk a lot lesser, I feel more comfortable with someone around me. One of them implemented a rule to only talk about positive stuff at all time, we should not go out if any of us is not in a happy mood and it feels slightly superficial to me.

Chatting about clothes is still fine, but they regularly commented on my relaxed actions making myself more conscious and tense again. I spoke to my godsister and she was telling me i simply have to be rational, be strong enough to deal with all the issues myself and keep my emotions and thoughts to myself. It make sense, but it felt like a step backwards.

Honestly, with this experience, I felt like shutting myself and going back into my shell again,as it is slowly sinking me into depression. I am afraid of depression as well, as my dad passed away from it and it is in my genepool.

[Emily-G]

I am not in your situation by any means but I can understand that ackward position when you tell people things, and they appear supportive, to only later not be. It's really confusing, you can't help but feel you freaked them out or at least feel as if perhaps it was a mistake.

Again, I'm not in your position but I can also understand feelings of perhaps life would be better and not so hard if you just stayed how you are. But one thing I have noticed from others and myself is that at some point, it becomes much more difficult to just go back, even if that's just emotionally. I keep going back myself, but hopefully this last time was it, but I'm just letting things workout on there own and stop trying to "control the situation".

It's a really tough spot to be in, especially when you've lived your life socialized as a male because you get used to rationalizing problems and solving them logically. I'm just coming to the rational that there is no logical reason transitioning makes sense. You have family, you have friends, you have a career and yet for some god awful reason you still have this cloud over you that won't go away!

I wish you the best in your situation, and I am sure tou'll come to the right decision. I'm not an expert here, but hopefully knowing someone understands, even only a tiny bit, the difficult situation you are in, may help quiet things for at least an evening.

Stay happy!

[hibiki]

I am not in your situation by any means but I can understand that ackward position when you tell people things, and they appear supportive, to only later not be. It's really confusing, you can't help but feel you freaked them out or at least feel as if perhaps it was a mistake.

Again, I'm not in your position but I can also understand feelings of perhaps life would be better and not so hard if you just stayed how you are. But one thing I have noticed from others and myself is that at some point, it becomes much more difficult to just go back, even if that's just emotionally. I keep going back myself, but hopefully this last time was it, but I'm just letting things workout on there own and stop trying to "control the situation".

It's a really tough spot to be in, especially when you've lived your life socialized as a male because you get used to rationalizing problems and solving them logically. I'm just coming to the rational that there is no logical reason transitioning makes sense. You have family, you have friends, you have a career and yet for some god awful reason you still have this cloud over you that won't go away!

That is exactly how i felt. I have lived with my shell for years and finally open it up with close friends who appear understanding but actually isn't. It is getting more and more difficult maintain my shell when I am not happy. However, I am worried about family, about the financial cost to walk down this path and also the whether I am brave enough to walk down this route. There is both emotional and physical pain which I am bad at managing. I cannot stand pain and have a deep fear of scarring. Hopefully, I will build up the guts and really love myself more.

I definitely feel better, knowing that there is someone that understand. It provided me comfort, that I am not alone. Thank you Emily *Hugs*

[Emily-G]

Yep.

I've only told a few people and usually they act supportive but quickly appear uncomfortable with the situation. I think part of it is because once I tell someone, and they are supportive, our relationship dramatically changes. Immediately I expect them to be my sounding board for my feelings, to be my life coach for transitioning.. I just realized, that's not fair to them!

At the same time it's frustrating also, because you feel like your about to burst all the time and nobody seems to really care. Yeah you can pay a therapist but it's not really a substitute for having someone that genuinely cares and WANTS to help.

By the way, I've read a few ebooks from an author named Felix Conrad off Amazon, and while not all of the material applied to me, he has a way of writing that really makes sense. One of my worries was that this might all be a fetish, because I'm usually a woman in my fantasies, but he opened my eyes to why this makes sense as a transwoman.

He has one book I haven't read, that is geared towards trans people who cannot transition and how to deal with it. His writing style is sometimes a little too obscene but his conclusions are generally sound and informative.

Might try one out, it helped me.

Good luck!

[Ms Grace]

It's been my personal experience that people will distance themselves from you if you are too emotional, depressed and/or over-share (especially on the same topic and/or difficult topics they don't/can't really understand). Yes friends are people you should be able to rely on for support but it can only ever go so far. If you are using them as a defacto therapist to get everything off your chest then they will drop you like a hot potato and run a mile. Like I say, I'm talking from experience. That may or may not be your situation but it is worth considering. If you really need to get things off your chest and get some considered feedback, and it kind of sounds like you do, then a proper therapist is the way to go. That way you can keep the problems and dark stuff out of the friendship and focus on the fun, doing things together aspect instead.

[Emily-G]

It's been my personal experience that people will distance themselves from you if you are too emotional, depressed and/or over-share (especially on the same topic and/or difficult topics they don't/can't really understand). Yes friends are people you should be able to rely on for support but it can only ever go so far. If you are using them as a defacto therapist to get everything off your chest then they will drop you like a hot potato and run a mile. Like I say, I'm talking from experience. That may or may not be your situation but it is worth considering. If you really need to get things off your chest and get some considered feedback, and it kind of sounds like you do, then a proper therapist is the way to go. That way you can keep the problems and dark stuff out of the friendship and focus on the fun, doing things together aspect instead.

Wow, that is great advice!

I have a cousin in my area I've been considering coming out to, but I worried I'd ruin our relationship by dumping my constant thoughts on her. Keeping the depression to my therapist and the fun with her is a good way of looking at it. I'm going to have to write that down!

I bow to your experience in these matters, this was very helpful!

[hibiki]

Thanks for the great advise! You are right about using friends as a therapist, it makes more sense to keep the friendship positive and not a counselling session each time.

I have also noticed the fact that friends also need time to adapt to the sudden change. I do agree that it is unfair to expect them to accept the new me the moment they appear supportive. I do sense a hesitation in some aspects of acceptance. I guess until they are more open to this, a therapist will really be the better option.

I really appreciate the advise from both of you and will reflect on the points here whenever I feel slightly moody 

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Hibiki, as someone who has ridden this depression rollercoaster one too many times, it occurs to me that you were depressed before you took note of your depression, and your friend who told you to only speak of positive topics was trying to intervene by interrupting your negative thoughts but in a misguided way because she's not a licensed therapist and only sees you from time to time. Since depression is a liar, you took this as a rejection, not as a dear friend being very worried about you.

I would recommend seeking out a therapist who deals with CBT but is also comfortable with gender issues as well. Depression is fed by negative thought patterns, but these can be interrupted with training, and that's what CBT is all about.

Also, keep in mind that you're not your father and that science has advanced a lot in the last few decades. There are treatment modalities available now that weren't available then.

[AnxietyDisord3r]

Thanks for the great advise! You are right about using friends as a therapist, it makes more sense to keep the friendship positive and not a counselling session each time.

I have also noticed the fact that friends also need time to adapt to the sudden change. I do agree that it is unfair to expect them to accept the new me the moment they appear supportive. I do sense a hesitation in some aspects of acceptance. I guess until they are more open to this, a therapist will really be the better option.

From your first post, I think your friends did adapt well, actually, but they don't know about dysphoria. Our media talks about trans all the time now but rarely mentions gender dysphoria. So they may know very well that some women were born as men but they were totally unprepared for your emotional pain and depression.

[hibiki]

Hibiki, as someone who has ridden this depression rollercoaster one too many times, it occurs to me that you were depressed before you took note of your depression, and your friend who told you to only speak of positive topics was trying to intervene by interrupting your negative thoughts but in a misguided way because she's not a licensed therapist and only sees you from time to time. Since depression is a liar, you took this as a rejection, not as a dear friend being very worried about you.

I would recommend seeking out a therapist who deals with CBT but is also comfortable with gender issues as well. Depression is fed by negative thought patterns, but these can be interrupted with training, and that's what CBT is all about.

Also, keep in mind that you're not your father and that science has advanced a lot in the last few decades. There are treatment modalities available now that weren't available then.

I agree with you, that depression is a rollercoaster and also follows a vicious cycle. The friend that wants to speak only positive topics is prone to mood swings and I feel has a high level of empathy. If my topics get too depressing, she will be affected as well, hence she created the speak only positive rule. I do feel that they accepted it well, and adapted well in some sense. However, it is as Emily said, I guess it was my expectation that once they accept it, they can take the full me head on. I didn't gave them anytime to react or adapt and expected them to be okay with this instantly.

I agree, the gender dysphoria part is actually the tough bit. The media does shine the light on trans but not the emotional pain and discomfort of gender dysphoria.

Just to update all of you, because of all your advise <3, I have taken up the courage and booked a session with a counsellor through one of the LGBT community.  While this is not a psychiatrist, it is still a huge leap for me.

[hibiki]

Hello All,

Just to keep everyone updated. I have been to about five sessions of counselling now. It has taken off very well with me, hearing myself talk, solidifying my thoughts and clearing the chaos in my head that is building connections with everything. I felt a lot more confident, and emotionally stable. I guess the sessions have really help me pace myself better and become less reckless.

Gender Dysphoria still happens, it is still a work in progress. The counsellor describe is that while I have connected with my emotions, I will need to connect with my body which is a tricky bit.

Love and Hugs