It shouldnt be this easy

[WolfNightV4X1]

I might be overplaying the easiness of it, because quite frankly being trans never stops being hard.

But I just expect it to be much harder.

Two months ago I got hooked up on T. I expected the process to acquiring it to be arduous, frustrating, difficult, and scary. It was only scary...at first. I got on it immediately after an appointment to planned parenthood. The cost was a bit much, but at the same time, far more affordable and doable than ever expected. Something even me as someone with a minimum wage job could handle. PP worked with me very well. It was incredible, as well as embarrassing how excited I was leaving the clinic.


Fast forward two months on T

Every day at work, people have been calling me sir. Sir. Sir. Sir. Brother. Buddy. "Give it to him". Dude. Man.

It started once or twice. Then it began often.

Something at some point clicked, and a switch flipped, now suddenly Im a man to those who glance or look my way. Its amazing.

Why me? Why am I so fortunate? Why have I grazed past such a hurdle that most like me can never dream of? Why do I have it so easy somehow?

Even my coworkers, who I have yet to tell if ever, had made the "mistake", my manager called me sir once, and flusteredly took it back saying yes ma'am. All I did was smile. My coworker, talking to my manager, called me he then immediately flipped to she. A customer called me sir, but immediately changed it to ma'am after remembering the pronoun my manager used referring her to my register.

Its unbelievable, and Im starting to feel that I dont have to keep overthinking what I am in my head anymore, that I can just BE, like everyone else does. Its not a big deal after all, I just am what I am, life goes on.


I have female friends who are trans that won't ever be this lucky, my heart goes out to them.

[WolfNightV4X1]

...the thing is, I'm also scared. Scared one day I really will be a man beyond comprehension.

Not because I'd hate to be or it isn't me, but because it's not 'normal', because I'm not allowed to be.

I can never tell my family, they already vaguely know. They're disappointed in me. They hate me.

I was hoping I could somehow manage androgyny for the rest of my days, maybe if I dress female and crossdress and play the part my family will never hate me. Outside of them, people who don't know me, or the people who know me very well and don't mind at all one way or another, will see me as the man that I am.

But I see a lot of guys manage to be...men. Beyond anything female they are men, there's no telling that they aren't. And that's what I'm scared and sick of, that I'm going to become something that in the eyes of people I was born to that I'm not supposed to be...

what do I do?

[Dena]

For some, the physical transitions is easy. Others like me face a bit more difficulty but still I am happy that you are finding the place where you belong. The second half and the reason Planed Parent Hood may not be the best option is because that approach lacks therapy. The transition is far more than changing your appearance as it involves fitting into a new social environment as well as adjusting the old. Some people are able to do this with little difficulty and others require far more work to construct their new life. It also takes time, sometimes years for family and friends to adjust.

You will have to determine what your new life will look like and who you want in it then work toward that goal. Will you be able to bring your family? I don't know but at some point is will be their decision to make if you maintain contact. I have maintained all the family that's important to me though it took years for that to happen. I was miss gendered, missed a number of christmases and missed my brothers wedding because the family wasn't ready for me. That is no longer an issue because they have finally accepted me. It's not going to be easy but it's for you to decide.

[CMD042414]

I am two years on T. It was very easy for me also. Or so I thought. I was able to afford surgeries out of pocket. My family, friends and coworkers accepted me immediately. I was seen as the correct gender right away. I kept telling myself I want relate to many trans people because they seem to have had such a well, miserable time of it.

But the mental and emotional aspects of transitioning caught up to me. Fitting into my new gender having been socialized as the opposite. Dating. No longer being able to have natural children. Not having the correct genitals. Dealing with society's ignorance even if not directed at me. Those are a few things.

I agree with Dena that finding a provider that offers mental as well as physical health is important. Even if you think you don't need the assistance of a therapist it is important.

[WolfNightV4X1]

Sorry for the late reply, been busy.

Thing is...I dont have money for therapy. I dont have money for transition, either. Health insurance sure doesnt cover it, so I pay out of pocket, and by that it means Im paying credit bills every month.

Besides, even with therapy it wont change my relations with my family members, they wont ever see me as I see myself, even if we all went to therapy together. I know this because theyre strong in their religious attachments, never will know my struggle.

It makes me sick to cut ties or confront it...I dont have any good way to do this cleanly, I honestly just think being covert about it is the best option, Im never going to be anything besides a daughter to them, might as well let them think that.

It's not a healthy option, but none of mine are, really. This is the most peaceful option I can think of, at least.

[harlee]

But the mental and emotional aspects of transitioning caught up to me. Fitting into my new gender having been socialized as the opposite. Dating. No longer being able to have natural children. Not having the correct genitals. Dealing with society's ignorance even if not directed at me. Those are a few things.

I agree  I was one of the lucky guys who passed pre-T and was able to go to school as a stealth male (no bathroom issues either). I had to wait until I was 18 before starting T but had no issues once I was old enough, had no trouble paying for top surgery and could afford bottom surgery right now. But it's the mental side of transitioning that brings you down. I still feel some dysphoria despite having had top surgery and the genitals thing just gets harder the further into transition you go