Feeling like guilt

[redhot1]

I can't really identify the exact word I am feeling right now. But I was at an appointment with my regular counselor, my mom went with me too. I questioned ever since I first had these thoughts whether they were more legitimate or obsessive thoughts. I tend to over-think these things too. So as it turns out, maybe I will see another therapist or at least some consultation, by the recommendation of my regular counselor. I'm just worried that I convinced my mom and my counselor that I am more legit trans*. I know it's more likely I'm just on the spectrum than transsexual proper.

With the over-thinking stuff, I also obsess with things for months and months and then I stop.

[CarlyMcx]

Please, let us know what happens when you see the gender therapist.

[RenegadeGirl]

I think it's important to consider perspective when it comes to things like this. I know I spent ages putting off coming out because of all the 'I've known since I was a child' stuff that gets thrown around, which generally gives the impression that all transgender/transsexual people 100% know with no doubt from the moment they were born who they were, and I certainly felt that because I didn't have that I thought I could be just tricking myself or, maybe similar to you, that I had made the problem more extreme because I had thought about it over and over for years. But ask anyone on here and you'll most likely be told that nothing is further from the truth.

One of the most important things that I've learnt over this process is something from my Dad. He suffers from PTSD which basically stops him sleeping, he grew up in an extremely abusive home, and when he served in the navy they did some things to him that he can't legally tell anyone, but sure enough it severely affects his everyday life. But he handles it somehow, and I felt that in comparison, my problems were insignificant and that I would be wasting everyone's time by bringing it up. When I said this to him before he knew about my dysphoria, he told me that it didn't matter what everyone else has been through, it only matters how it feels to you.

So I guess the conclusion of this essay is that I would urge you to ignore what everyone has to say (hopefully except this) when it comes to figuring out who you are, and just go with how you feel without applying everyone else's standards to yourself, because only you know who you are!

Lily

[redhot1]

I think my mother is just concerned for me, that's understandable, I take her thoughts to consideration, but it's still my life in the end.

[JoanneB]

I think knowing you are trans is pretty easy. Cis people never think about such things. So if you aren't Cis then...... Then you are Somewhere in the Trans Spectrum. The hard part is figuring out where you are in it Today. And that "where you are" can be a moving target. Especially after having spent a lifetime of supressing or denial about being trans. After a lifetime of accumulated shame and guilt about these weird feelings.

I've been admonished a LOT about "Over Thinking" things when it comes to me and my life. It seems so easy for others just to take things as they come. I think the over-thinking about the trans stuff boils do to over-thinking the "End Game". The making the leap from "I'm not Cis" to "I must be trans" and then to "Therefore I MUST transition". That over-thinking leap has always driven me crazy, and also driven me into suppression and denial. Drove me to Not Handle being trans which is far far worse then actually trying to sort things out for real.

After seven years of taking on the trans beast for real, I sometimes question "Is this real?" Early on I had a lot of what I call "WTF am I doing meltdowns". TBH, nobody wants to be trans. It takes time and a lot of work to come to a level of acceptance of who you are, finding joy in your life which then leads to shedding a lot of the guilt and shame over what you are doing and thinking.

[autumn08]

Based on what you wrote, two things are causing you feel guilty; you might have OCD, not gender dysphoria, and you might be non-binary, not the opposite gender of your birth sex.

On the first concern, OCD causes the sufferer to desire something that causes them distress, so if the prospect of becoming the opposite sex causes you pleasure, then your desire to become the opposite sex isn't being caused by OCD.

On the second concern, if you want to be a combination of both sexes, then you are non-binary. There is no reason why this desire should be regarded as less worthy than the desire to be one sex.

[redhot1]

UPDATE: I didn't mention anything to my mom in a while about contacting a specialist. I didn't think about it a whole lot. It's like I never thought of myself as trans. I don't know what to say now if the feeling ever returns, if it ever does.

[CarlyMcx]

Go out, live your life and enjoy it while you are still young.  If those feelings return, we will still be here.

[doctorinkwell]

I know it's more likely I'm just on the spectrum than transsexual proper.

I feel it does more harm than good to think about being a "proper transsexual" or not. There's no such thing. You're a human, and trying to find the "right" label is exhausting.

Keep searching for the best way to be kind to yourself.

- Sunny

[redhot1]

My mom just made me reconsider that I may not be cut out to be a woman. Of course she also brought up the fact that I never grew up thinking I was a girl. Perhaps I shouldn't have told her that my feelings "went away" that one day when we were in the car. She used the classic "there are many people with thoughts who don't have to act it out" mentality on me. Maybe she's right?

Man, things are getting more difficult to explain to her.

[CarlyMcx]

The real question is, who is going to decide who you are, and what makes you happy?  Some people are content to let others tell them who they are, and live their entire lives so as to please others.  If it were not so, then we would not have career soldiers, priests, and monks.

Others among us live lives of misery trying to please others, whether the others in question are parents, friends, or some kind of an audience.  Think of Michael Jackson.  He spent his entire life trying to please his father and his fans, and he lost himself in the process.

So:  Are you happy letting your parents tell you who you are?  Is that a comfort zone you can stay in for the rest of your life?  Are you going to be happy the rest of your life with the body you have now?

Or:  Assume for a second that your parents do not exist.  You have total freedom to be whoever and whatever you want to be.  Who are you?  Who do you want to look like?  Do you want to look like Kim Kardashian?  Or do you want to look like Vin Diesel?

There is no wrong answer.  You have to decide what makes you happy. 

But that whole "I may not be cut out to be a woman" thing?  Well, there is something.  For, that is how I figured out that I was transgender.  I figured out, over many years, that I really was not cut out to be a man.  Because for me, being a man always felt like doing a job.  Every time I did something manly, I told myself, "I am doing what I am supposed to do."  The problem was, eventually, being a man gave me stress, and then the stress related illnesses started to slowly kill me.

I never grew up thinking I was a girl, either.  I had no frame of reference for gender until I was about five.  I did not really know what gender I was, only that I had been given the icons of boyhood and told to act like a boy.  But the first time I realized there was a difference, I wanted to be a girl.   And ever since then.  As a teenager in the 1970's, not knowing that gender transition was a "thing," I read science fiction and fantasy novels where a guy turned into a girl, either through magic or technology, and wished that was me.

So you might want to take a closer look at your background and childhood and see whether you ever had the opportunity to perceive yourself as a girl.  Speaking of which, at what age did you first start wanting to be a girl?

[Katy]

RH1,

Be patient.  You are pondering monumental decisions.  Take your time.  Find a professional counselor with whom you have a good working relationship and in whom you have complete confidence.  Allow time for the self-discovery process to gradually unfold rather than any headlong rush.  Life is more like marathon than a dash.  Pace yourself.  Pace your decisions about the future.   Be happy, be safe. 

[redhot1]

you might want to take a closer look at your background and childhood and see whether you ever had the opportunity to perceive yourself as a girl.  Speaking of which, at what age did you first start wanting to be a girl?

I developed these thoughts a little after I ended high school, I was an idle homebody ever since. I never had the opportunity to get a real work job yet. I could say that this was more of an Asperger's/obsessive thing, but when I was younger I had the thought that girls in the world were "luckier" than guys and I would imply that I wished I was one. But back then I didn't know what I was talking about. I eventually grew out of obsessions like that when I went through puberty.