Hey,
I'm not sure if this is the right place on the forums to be posting this, but hopefully it is. I just really feel like I need to talk to someone. I'm hoping for some advice if anyone has any. I've never talked about this stuff to anyone before.
I was assigned female at birth, but I hate living as female and have felt this way for maybe 7 or 8 years, since high school. (I'm 21 now, in my last year of college.) I don't mind she/her pronouns, and I don't THINK I have that much dysphoria surrounding my body. But I HATE being referred to as a "woman" or "ma'am." I feel intensely uncomfortable when my mom makes references to me being pregnant someday; it weirds me out, and I can't imagine ever wanting that. I don't like going by my feminine birth name, either, and prefer my gender-neutral nickname.
As for how I present my gender right now (and for the past 7-8 years): Maybe 90% of the time I feel uncomfortable wearing anything feminine, like makeup or a skirt/dress or heels, like I'm dressing up as a clown or something. When I graduated high school, for example, the school policy was that all graduating girls had to wear a floor-length white dress and hold flowers, like we were getting married or some ->-bleeped-<-, and when I wore it I felt so undignified, like I was a guy being forced to wear a long white dress in public.
Looking androgynous (short hair, no makeup, sneakers, jeans, hoodie) feels leagues more comfortable. I haven't had the courage to buy a binder, but I often wear a sports bra to flatten my chest some; I'm pretty skinny so it works fairly well.
I guess what I'm saying with all of this is, I don't feel female.
I don't know for sure what I want, though. I know the thought of transitioning terrifies me, probably because I know my family would hate me and never accept it, and I think transitioning could be hell on my social anxiety and low self esteem. I've also never been very good with fashion or anything like that, so I'm not sure I could pull it off. There's also the fact that when I dressed very masculinely in high school, I was bullied for it and still have some social anxiety/fear surrounding looking masculine or androgynous in public. It got so bad that being called "sir" in public would make me cry afterwards because I associated being seen as male with being seen as ugly, since people would call me "sir" and then do a double-take (seeing my more feminine features, I guess) and start apologizing and calling me ma'am and stuff. Knowing that they felt awkward around me because of gender stuff really doesn't feel good. I like how I look when I dress as a guy (or, well, androgynous; I think my face and voice are too fem to pull off "dude" entirely), and I feel really good about looking that way, but then I go outside and don't like the way people react to me in public. OR, if they do think I'm a guy for the entire interaction, they think I'm prepubescent. I'm an adult and don't want to be seen as a little kid.
But I also know I have all these daydreams where I wish I'd been born cis male. I can't imagine wanting to have been born cis female; I think women are beautiful, but it's not appealing to me personally to be like them. On the other hand, I look at male models, and guys on TV, and even just guys walking around on the street, and I get so jealous of them. I want so badly to be like them. I feel like I can relate to them more than girls, and I wish I looked like them physically, dressed like them, acted like them, sounded like them. I can't stop thinking about how much I want that.
Is there any way to know for sure you're trans? If I'm not trans, then what am I? Thanks in advance for any advice or insights.
