Keeping it a secret

[Larisa]

Sometimes I wonder if it's a good thing or not that Ive kept it a secret that Im a girl from people. Only a few people have known. My parents have suspected it in the past as both of them asked a few times if I wanted to be a girl. It's such a tough thing for me to talk about so I avoid it. I do however wonder how Ive kept it a secret this long and if that is such a good thing to do. 

[RenegadeGirl]

I feel that it really depends on how it affects you, if it negatively impacting on your enjoyment of life then you owe it to yourself to do something about your feelings. We're all here to offer advise and experience, so you can take or leave it, but what you're saying reminds me a lot of myself. I find it physically and emotionally difficult to talk about even the littlest things because of all the things that have happened to me internally and externally. I thought that I would never tell anyone how I felt since I thought I was incapable of letting anyone in, and that I would just have to bear my burdens for the rest of my life. But I forced myself to when I realised that I didn't want to live life enduring my dysphoria, and I surprised myself about how much I could talk about. It's by no means a perfect process, even now having started taking hormones there is only so far I can go in a sensitive conversation, but compared to where I was when I first came out I'm practically a public speaker!

So I guess the point of what I'm trying to say is that yes, it is really tough to talk about the deepest parts of yourself, but it isn't impossible if you are determined enough. It is down to you, but you seem very certain of your identity, and this isn't something that resolves itself unless you choose to take action.

Lily

[Gertrude]

Once one admits the truth to his or herself its just a matter of time until the true self wants out


Sent from my iPhone, inspected and certified by the NSA

[KathyLauren]

I, too, have wondered about that.  There is no one answer.

I kept it secret for most of my life, so secret that I almost believed the lies myself.  That's called denial.  My life would have been a whole lot different if I could have come out earlier.  But then you get into the "what if"s.  Maybe I'd have been happier.  Or maybe I did what I needed to do to survive.  I don't know what those alternate realities I missed out on would have been like, so it doesn't matter.

I know that I did need to come out when I did.  I almost left it too long.  It took me seven months from the time I knew I needed to come out until the time I actually did, just due to the fear.

I hope that you will recognize the need when it is time, and that you will be able to overcome the fear.

[Nina_B]

It seems to me your parents are observant. If they are fairly modern and tolerant I guess that is a good place to start talking about it? I personally found going from talking about it online to talk about it face to face with a real person was very fulfilling.

[Shady]

Is it a necessity for them to know? It all depends on how you feel and if it's bothering you or not. It's going to be a chock if they we're suspecting it already as you stated, it shouldn't too big of a shock. Try explaining how much it affects you and that it causes you suffering.

Good luck!

[JoanneB]

I've talked about this a few times with my therapist. There is a part of me that wants to "Come Out" say to my sister. Especially these past few years of actually feeling good about being me. After loosing so much of the shame and the guilt from a lifetime of internalized transphobia. It's the ole, "You are only as sick as your secrets" aspect I come at it from.

When I talk to my wife about it, her answer is much the same as mine, "To what end?" There is a reason I call her my reality therapist. I have often concluded there is no real purpose, much less (overwhelming) need to tell anyone right now.

With one exception. I did need to a few back. After 3 months of getting the run around from my health insurance and doctor and the insurance companies gatekeepers over covering my HRT, AGAIN, being denied under "Age or Gender", I did a lot of digging and found our policy from work has the typical "Trans Exclusion".  Ironic since I work for a multi-national, with great platitudes about being "Inclusive" and wonderfull sounding policies on non-discrimination for many thing things including gender and gender identification. After hitting a total denial brick wall after 3 months I went into Social Justice Warrior mode and talked to the head of HR about the insurance situation.

The following weeks I had to work hard at suppressing the coming out euphoria  that followed. It was great that the Earth did not open up to swallow me, no lightning bolt landed on my head, everything went OK with HR and is going to try to remedy things though the broker says there is no way to loose the exclusion! WTF   

I'm not planning on transitioning to full-time any time soon. In fact actually glad in ways since I am able to strike a balance with all my competing needs. I don't feel I need to transition most days, it is just a want or like to fraught with many unnecessary  risks to my life today.

Things are working fine. Why mess with it?

[autumn08]

Whether a secret is corroding you depends on how you would feel if someone reacted negatively to your secret. If someone learned that I hid Anne Frank from the Nazi and they disapproved, I would tell them to **** off, unless doing so brought me more harm than pleasure. If you would react in an analogous way if someone learned you are transgender, then your secret isn't having any deleterious effects, but if you feel being transgender is somehow devaluing, then it is.

[Gertrude]

Whether a secret is corroding you depends on how you would feel if someone reacted negatively to your secret. If someone learned that I hid Anne Frank from the Nazi and they disapproved, I would tell them to **** off, unless doing so brought me more harm than pleasure. If you would react in an analogous way if someone learned you are transgender, then your secret isn't having any deleterious effects, but if you feel being transgender is somehow devaluing, then it is.

That's because some behaviors are acceptable and others are not. If you lived in Nazi occupied territory or Germany at the time of anne frank, you wouldn't want anyone to know what you did. In ambiguous situations, we usually think the worst.

[kaitylynn]

It was such a relief when I finally came out to everyone years ago and it allowed me to work on myself more genuinely, even if I had stopped HRT for an indeterminate time 20 years ago.  When I made the decision to begin again last year, it was not such a shock to my close friends and family.

There are situations that I find myself in where I choose to not disclose anything.  It has become obvious that something different is going on with me, but I do my job and get out without any discussion.  There are some circumstances where keeping things on the down low is just plain prudent.

For many of my sisters that I interact with regularly, they have taken the stance that it is their life and they will live it on their own terms.  Through that, they are OUT to the world with no shame.  I have talked with them about how they feel and they all unanimously believe that without being in open, they are only hiding from themselves.

In the end, only you can decide what level of "outness" you are comfortable with and truth be told, it does not matter, the opinion of anyone else.  In your time, in your way.  Remember that you are loved regardless!

[Cindy]

I will make a comment as a woman who kept her secret for 50 or so years.

The relief of being accepted as normal and as yourself ir quite overwhelming. In my experience letting my secret out has been the best thing in my life.

Only on Friday I was in hospital for some minor general surgery, I was in a ward with 3 other women, we talked, supported each other. Talked about our family, our fears and we laughed and joked. In the middle of the night we whispered if we couldn't sleep.

I had no secret, I was a woman among women and it was natural and lovely.
If I still had a secret I would have been hiding among men, that would have been terrible.

Oh and do remember you can only keep a secret between a maximum of three people and two of them need to be dead.