My best friend is an uber-Christian bigot. Please help me get his head on right.

[Blackwaters427]

Okay so my best friend Derek (that's not his real name) and I have been like brothers for almost 10 years now, despite our differences. However, we've had a lot of fights, usually over LGBT related stuff. He won't associate with anyone gay or trans, or anyone who's dating someone who is gay or trans. He thinks anyone LGBT is going to Hell. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian too but I believe God is quite a bit more generous with salvation than Derek believes. Back when I told him I was thinking about transitioning back in December 2015, he cut me off and said we couldn't be friends anymore because it was "too weird" for him. After a while, due to pressure from my parents and Derek, I decided not to transition so he and I became friends again. Then a month later, I had sex with a trans girl and Derek flipped his lid and told me we couldn't be friends again. Then he calmed down and became my friend again. Both times he did this, I felt like I lost a brother or a limb. I don't know if I can handle it again when I tell him I've made up my mind to transition this time. I'm NOT backing down this time. Is there any way I can knock some sense into him? Because I'm the biggest ally he has. He has no job, no car or driver's license, lives with his dad, and does nothing but chase women. And he's 25. He's destroying himself. He's got nobody except his dad, my other best friend Dwyane (that actually is his real name), and me. I want to help him. What can I do?

[sparrow]

Wait, do you have a friend?  It sounds to me like he isn't your friend.  Friends are loyal.  He keeps dropping you.  He isn't Christian, Jesus washed the feet of sinners.  He's just a bigot, and blames Jesus for his awful worldview.

[SonadoraXVX]

You can only control  yourself, not your environment or anybody else. I had to break up a friendship of over 20 years, ex military buddy, because he could not accept I was transitioning and we were just too different. In the end, you have to develop the strength to cut off toxic associations and frinedships. Some people you have to say se la vie, you cannot change them, nor can you wait for someone to change, you have to live your life, since life is finite, and your entitled to live your life too.

[sigsi]

When I was younger, I had a lot of anxiety/depression stuff that I was dealing with and pulled away from people. Before, I had four "close" friends. None one of them stuck with me through that time in my life. I pushed them away, so I don't blame them. But I also met and befriended two others, and they didn't let me push them away.

If someone is really your friend and care enough to remain your friend, they will stick by you (and fight to stick by you) no matter what. And if they don't, then they weren't worth keeping in the end. Yes, it sucked not having the people who were constantly in my life for years almost suddenly not be around. But as they say, time heals wounds. Eventually you'll be okay with not being friends anymore, and hopefully you'll meet new people moving forward.

You need to transition for you, and if someone cares more about their viewpoints than your overall well being, then it's their loss.

As with "knocking some sense into him", you can't always change other's views no matter how hard you try. And depending on their personality and willingness to learn, it might be impossible. There is always the option to see if he would listen to what a LGBT-friendly church has to say on this topic, but I wouldn't get my hopes up too high if he is unwilling to listen or learn.

I wish you the best with this situation, you'll get through it. Keep your other friends close.

[wanessa.delisola]

Look, dont get me wrong, but it doesnt look like you have a friend. It looks like you have a serious case >-bleeped-<!

I'm not religious myself. Honestly, i'm almost accepted that I'm atheist, but thats a work in progress. Despite that, I think that people can and should belive in whatever they want, as long as they respect other people. That said, your "friend" doesnt have to like that you are trans, but, if he is really your friend, he will accept it.

According to the Christianity says that everyone is a sinner, but you should love the other. If he doesnt accept you as you are, thats not about religion, is about being a d*ck and you are better off him.

[Tristyn]

You need to remove yourself from this Derek person. He is nothing but a parasite that must be eliminated from your life. You do not need him; he needs you. Cut his a$$ off.

[WarGrowlmon1990]

It's hard to cut someone out of your life when you've known each other for so long. But he seems like a very toxic person. You need to do what's right for yourself. Maybe all that needs to be done to open his eyes is for you to cut him out of your life for good. He has barely anyone there for him; him losing you could help him change... although bigoted people who claim to be Christian tend to be very set in their ways so chances are nothing can be done to change him. Either way, you shouldn't have to deal with such negativity.

[KarlMars]

Okay so my best friend Derek (that's not his real name) and I have been like brothers for almost 10 years now, despite our differences. However, we've had a lot of fights, usually over LGBT related stuff. He won't associate with anyone gay or trans, or anyone who's dating someone who is gay or trans. He thinks anyone LGBT is going to Hell. Now don't get me wrong, I'm a Christian too but I believe God is quite a bit more generous with salvation than Derek believes. Back when I told him I was thinking about transitioning back in December 2015, he cut me off and said we couldn't be friends anymore because it was "too weird" for him. After a while, due to pressure from my parents and Derek, I decided not to transition so he and I became friends again. Then a month later, I had sex with a trans girl and Derek flipped his lid and told me we couldn't be friends again. Then he calmed down and became my friend again. Both times he did this, I felt like I lost a brother or a limb. I don't know if I can handle it again when I tell him I've made up my mind to transition this time. I'm NOT backing down this time. Is there any way I can knock some sense into him? Because I'm the biggest ally he has. He has no job, no car or driver's license, lives with his dad, and does nothing but chase women. And he's 25. He's destroying himself. He's got nobody except his dad, my other best friend Dwyane (that actually is his real name), and me. I want to help him. What can I do?

It sounds like you don't owe him any help. You need a real best friend. He's just using you.

[KathyLauren]

No, you can't knock some sense into him.  He may come to his senses on his own eventually or he may not.  There's nothing you can do to speed up the process.

HE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND.  Sorry for shouting, but it is important.  He is a toxic parasite who won't support you and only likes you when you aren't yourself.  The best thing you can do is to wish him a good life and then cut him out of yours.

[Madison (kiara jamie)]

its and easy fix, just replace the word "best" with the word "ignorant ass"

*slaps hands together

i think my work here is done, jk

[Gianna2014]

Unfortunately , there is no miracle piece of advice that will solve your problem. I am so very sorry that you have had to go through this . You can try to articulate a sensible conversation with him , but you are only responsible for your end of the conversation. There is no word of advice I or anyone on this forum can give you that will determine Derek's response. At the end of the day you have to be true to yourself and if Derek is truly your friend he will come around . I don't know Derek and I only know what you've told us about him , so I will save my indictments on his character. What I will do is leave you with a quote from the genius Maya Angelou , "When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time."

[Lady Sarah]

A friend is someone you can talk to about everything. A friend will emotionally support you in whatever you do. Apparently, he is just an acquaintance.

Your life is yours, and nobody has the right to tell you how you are allowed to think. You will always be able to make new friends. Hanging out with a bigot that uses the guide of friendship to exercise control can only do psychological harm to you in the long run.

Be true to yourself.

[Del]

I haven't read all of the responses for time's sake but from your initial post some things I take note of are:

Your friend should read a Bible and take note that fornication (sex before marriage) is one thing that Gentiles should not do as it can keep one out of heaven. Straight, cisgender, gay and transgender alike. God is no respecter of persons. With the same measure he judges you he'll be judged just as Jesus said. And from what I see he appears to be a rather good example of one who points out the mote in another's eye and does not behold the beam in his own.

I agree with another who wrote he isn't a friend but more an acquaintance.

Hang in there and keep trying. None of us are perfect. We all need Christ.

[Amanda_Combs]

I've known my share of thick-headed ill informed Christians.  My advice is to make new friends, choose to be around people that support and understand you.  And whenever you talk to Derek, make it clear to him that you are a Christian, and your beliefs are valid.  It's a true fact that Jesus would care for any sinner.  Just don't let him make you back down from what you need in life and never feel like your existence is sinful, because it isn't.