Out to my SO - Feeling Broken

[Stacy Lane]

I thought there would be a weight lifted, with this secret out in the open to someone other than my therapist. But it's just shifted, I think. In truth, I didn't come out to her. She found pics on my phone and it all came pouring out. And just like that, 10 years of marriage are over. The thing is, I'm not sure I wanted to be out. Transition, and how far is still an unknown factor. A big part of me wants to, but I just don't see how i fit into the world as a woman with this life I've created. We have kids, too. Very young, adaptable, but still.

We're both devastated. Hurting like we've never hurt. She's promised to be an ally, to help me and stand beside me and love me - the dream reaction, I know - but divorce is inevitable. Funny thing - we've been threatening each other with divorce for years but now that it seems like something more than an empty threat, we both couldn't want it less.

I don't know what to do. Don't know what to say. We're just crying a lot. I'm phoning my gender therapist to start some sessions again.

I wish this was something that could be beat.

Sorry to be a downer.

[Megan.]

Stacy, you and your SO both have my love. Coming out to my wife has resulted in separation, and we also have two young children.
Separation does not have to mean Transition, but might give you more time and space to decide if that's something you need. Contacting your therapist again sounds like a very good idea. I hope you and all your family keep well.

[kaitylynn]

This is going to sound cliche', but it is not...

"This is not a fixed point".  My wife and I separated when she started to uncover more about me and finally said "enough".  After a while, the hurt cooled and now we are good friends.  I raised my two daughters, now 22 and 25, as a single parent and allowed her to go and find her self...of all the ways it could have gone...that one was not something I expected AT ALL.  I learned that what I pictured and what would actually happen rarely aligned.

As the two of you let things unfold, it will be greatly calming to keep open minded and not latch on to expectation.  It is impossible to tell where things will head to.

In the mean time, know that you are loved and we are here.

[Deborah]

Why do you think divorce is inevitable if she said she will stand by you.  Just her knowing you are trans doesn't have to mean divorce.  In my case things actually got better when I told my wife because then she knew the reason behind things and didn't feel like I was lying to her .  It's true that some things about what she feels might change but then change in relationships are an inevitable byproduct of time anyway.

How far you decide to pursue transition might change her mind later but right now if she is willing to stand by you then you need to give it a chance and love her.


Sapere Aude

[barbie]

Do not hurry. It takes a long time to understand each other.
My wife did not accept me well. It took more than 10 years for her to accept me fully.
Nowadays she still suspects that I am attracted to men, which is not the case.
My words are useless here. I should demonstrate by my action. Women know from intuition. Our kids prevented any idea of separation.

barbie~~

[BeverlyAnn]

Stacy, if she will do so, get her to read Leslie Fabian's book "My Husband's a Woman Now: A Shared Journey of Transition and Love."  It's the story of Leslie's journey during her husband's transition.  My wife read it and she highly recommends it.

[JoanneB]

My "Ex" wife accidentally found out the truth. There was no "Standing by you". Within weeks she had a b/f.

My former fiancee  knew early on about my gender issues. In time she bolted as wedding pressures mounted and.... alas, I wasn't a "real" man

My current wife knew of my gender issues from day one. By then I had settled on being "Just a cross-Dresser" after 2 failed transition experiments. some 30 years later when the excrement hit the air handler in my life, I dropped the T-Bomb on her. A woman with whom "Betrayal" is a BIG, if not nuclear, Hot Button Issue.

A few gallons of tears were shed by us both. Plenty of WTF Am I doing meltdowns on my part. Plenty of unknowns then, and still as I stumble through the darkness

[Amanda_Combs]

My biggest fear is that my wife won't be able to accept it, though I know she tries.  Every day I cycle through believing I'm about to figure things out enough to transition, and then minutes later, I'm praying that God will help me pretend to be a real man for the rest of my life.

[Stacy Lane]

My biggest fear is that my wife won't be able to accept it, though I know she tries.  Every day I cycle through believing I'm about to figure things out enough to transition, and then minutes later, I'm praying that God will help me pretend to be a real man for the rest of my life.

I can totally relate to this. Verbatim.