Quote from: Tristyn on July 06, 2016, 07:10:55 PM
Does anyone see the correlation here? When I get really depressed, and often I do, I want to eat alot more unhealthy foods (burgers, pizza, fries, hot dogs, e.t.c.) than usual as if to bring some comfort and then I get the urge to force myself to puke it up and I don't even know why. My mom did it, so maybe I unconsciously wanna be just like her like my dad always tells me over and over and over and over and over. I think it has to do with the fact that I am abnormally afraid of getting overweight again like I did when I intentionally presented myself as female in the past (which I have recurrent nightmares about returning to one day).
I also think it has to do with me wanting to have a heart attack. Not sure but I plan to really do this in a bit once my step mom buys me some food this evening. I am so miserable that I cannot even concentrate on my seminar and need some kind of relief. I wish there were an alternative. But there isn't. Really. I have tried numerous times to call Trans Lifeline; no answer, as usual. Am I the only one dealing with this? I really don't know. The more dysphoric I get, the more I want to eat, the more I wanna puke, the more I want to die.
I used to be an over eater and morbidly obese, but now I workout a lot. If you think about wanting to change and how happy you'll be if you're in shape you can practice exercising at the gym in small amounts at a time and increase when you feel comfortable doing more. For example I would use an exercise bike at the gym for 30 minutes when I was starting out and not go very fast or push myself, and then I worked my way up over a period of time to 2 hours of cardio and maybe 30 minutes of weight machines.
If you don't have access to a gym you could buy a few inexpensive weights, inexpensive workout videos or just walk around outside when the weather's good and listen to music. I used to spend all my time mesmorized by my cd player/mp3 player and pace around for hours up and down the sidewalk. The music and exercise would get your mind off of the dysphoria and possibly the urges to eat. It worked for me and I hope this is helpful to you.
Another thing is don't listen to music with negative emotions and lyrics because they cause depression and trigger many people with pre existing problems. Metal music has a bad reputation among mental health professionals. They advised me against it. I had a heavy metal habit that I mostly broke by listening to more positive music. I still listen to the metal once in awhile but it depends on the lyrics and how I feel that day.
What kind of music do you listen to, Tristyn?
