Coming out at work

[nameuser]

I say work - I'm volunteering at my local charity shop in the hopes it'll help with my social anxiety. This is going to be a long post; please excuse my venting.

So, the story. I applied with my manly name (now my legal name ). There was no gender box to tick on the application form, but I was hoping the manly name would be enough that they'd assume I was male in advance, and simply think I looked young for my age when they saw me in the flesh.

Nope I had to talk over the phone before I showed up to the shop, and my voice foiled my plans. They think I'm a girl, and I wasn't brave enough to correct them, so I've been pretending to be one for about a month now. Thought I could keep it up indefinitely, but last shift they sent me home because I was throwing up from anxiety.

I'm going to have to come out. The misgendering isn't the main cause of the anxiety, but it's definitely exacerbating it. And volunteering was partly about getting used to being myself in society, not feeling like an actor in my own life and so on. Doing something as Manly Name for the first time. At least they're getting my name right, I guess

I'll have to speak to my manager over the phone in a couple of days about my rota - I'm going to slot the gender stuff in at the end. Say I'm trans, ask her if she can spread the word about my pronouns. I guess I don't need to say any more than that. I don't know how it'll go down. Again, it's a charity shop - the worst I'm likely to get is passive aggression, and I can always just walk away. I'm not sure precisely why this is making me freak out.

If anyone has any experience to share, any tips on this sort of stuff, I'd be glad to hear it. If not, venting has already improved my mood also, is there any polite way to correct a colleague/anyone you don't know well on pronouns? That's something I'm currently too awkward to do - some people are so weird about it. Like you're asking them to give you a foot massage or something e-o

[Kanzaki]

is there any polite way to correct a colleague/anyone you don't know well on pronouns? That's something I'm currently too awkward to do - some people are so weird about it. Like you're asking them to give you a foot massage or something e-o

Personally, whenever someone uses the wrong pronouns with me, I just tell them I'm a guy. Since most people would most likely just get confused if you say "my pronouns are X", that's probably the better solution. I pass as a young boy, but very occasionally someone will misgender me, and I know for a fact that if I said something along the lines of "my pronouns are he/his", they would think I'm weird. In the odd case that someone is familiar with this sort of stuff, they might ask for pronouns, you tell them, and that's the end of it.

Unfortunately it is an awkward situation, but what else can you do? I personally find it awkward too, even after a year, and I can't imagine anyone else wouldn't think it's awkward.

I'll have to speak to my manager over the phone in a couple of days about my rota - I'm going to slot the gender stuff in at the end. Say I'm trans, ask her if she can spread the word about my pronouns.

I don't know where you live, but depending on your location, it may be a better idea to choose a different way of telling her. Where I live, people aren't so knowledgeable about it and often think trans people are "weirdos who get operated to the opposite sex". Therefore, when I do have to come out, what I choose to say is something along the lines of that my brain is of the opposite sex to my body, since people will understand that better, and while you come out that way, people who aren't knowledgeable on the subject won't immediately associate it with being transgender, so you're much less likely to have people think you're a freak of sorts.

[CrysC]

You need to make sure people know you are a guy.  In my case I transitioned in the opposite direction while at work.  I first told my management.  Three months later I had a meeting, told people in person, and sent email.  Corporate policy was to give 3 month notice on gender transition.  Odd that.  After that I let people screw up pronouns for a few months with naught more than a look.  Then I went into correcting people.  Now the only times people mess up is when I realize later that I sounded male.  Voice and how you talk is huge. 
Either way I wish you luck and hope it works out.

[nameuser]

Thanks for the responses helped me to psych myself up. I just had the phone call and it went well, my manager teased me for not coming out earlier. She's going to spread the word~

Kanzaki, that's actually really helpful to hear, and it's what I'm going to do. I don't know why I'm so afraid of keeping things simple

I live in London. It's pretty progressive here and where it isn't, people - in my experience - are usually apathetic to things like this. Even if they think you're a weirdo, they don't generally care enough to tell you. In fact, most people I know were already acquainted with at least one or two trans people before I came out - I guess living so close to so many people, you can't help but be exposed to a lot of diversity. So far, I've had a pretty easy ride.

CrysC - you're right. I'm going to start being assertive about my gender from this day forth. I'm also practicing a more masculine voice, because I sound like a little girl most of the time ;-; that's a very odd policy, sorry you had to put up with that.

Thank you both again. I don't speak to other trans people off the internet - it's so helpful to hear about people dealing with the same stuff. It's nice to have a place to feel normal

[CrysC]

It's funny but I don't know any trans people either.  Heck, I transitioned before I ever met any.  I met some when I tried going to a group thing once but it wasn't my thing.  Since I identify as woman I go to women meetups and such. 

I do hope things work out. In my case I had to own being who I am and be confident.  Everybody else is a lot more comfortable when you are confident with who you are.   

If you ever want feedback from somebody that had to play the role of a guy for quite a few years feel free to ping me.  It is nice to chat with people in the same boat.