Am I just suffering from OCD or am I really transgender?

[confusionhauntsme]

So growing up I did crossdress, although this is deemed pretty normal behaviour for children. I used to do it in front of family members but one day as I got a little older, probably about 8-9, I started doing it in secret. I used to steal my mothers tights and put them on. I have no recollection of whether I at this point felt like a woman or not, only that I done it in secret without anyone knowing. Around the age of puberty (which started early for me, about 10-11), a couple of times I stole my mums period pads (new and sealed of course!!!), and I'd put them on. Now again I cannot recollect what I was thinking at the time of doing this, just that I remember doing it.

As I moved in to secondary school, I stopped cross dressing, in fact I don't remember cross dressing at all throughout my secondary school years. I hung around with mainly boys, disrupt the class, get into fights, skip lessons and what have you. Basically I was just one of the lads.

I got a crush on this lesbian girl around the age of 14-15, I used to keep looking at her in class and think to myself I wish I could go out with her. (I'd never had a proper gf at that point either). I was sort of obsessed with her, I even tried copying her hairstyle and colouring my hair black to look like her. This is where the confusion started. I forgot to add this also happened after my dad had a serious heart attack, and I cut myself a few times.

I could never imagine having sex with this girl, I just loved her personality, maybe I just wanted to really be friends? But I definitely had a "crush". Is it normal though to try and emulate the appearance of the opposite sex??!
Anyway, I left school, went to college and studied sports. I was really fit at that time and would come second in bleep tests and would always beat my classmates at the number of sit ups/ press ups we could do. Then I started heavily smoking weed about halfway through. My coursework began to slide and I started to become paranoid that I was gay, and that everyone on my course knew I was gay.
Still no crossdressing.

I met a guy towards the end of my course, quit drugs for a month beforehand meeting him, and didn't touch it again. I went to see him at his house, we talked and we kissed. It felt right at the time. Then on my second time round his house a thought popped into my head, "I'm a girl in a boys body!" I burst into tears, unable to tell him. Eventually I did and I don't think he really took it seriously, and just said you probably just see yourself as a feminine gay. Fair enough.

We started going out properly and one day, he put make up on me, just messing about. I actually wanted to wear though which is the confusing thing about it. Anyway he put it on me, I went home, saw how "good" I looked and became addicted, I wore it nearly all the time from that point.

Note that this wasn't my first time wearing make up, when I was about 9 I wanted to be goth and my friends sister put make up on me, black eyeliner, mascara foundation etc. But since then nothing.

Back to the present. I wore the makeup and became convinced I wanted to be a woman. I started crossdressing again, I sometimes but not always got turned on from wearing women's clothes. It's made no sense.

I don't know if I'm just a crossdresser, although for the past few years I haven't really done it. But I still get these thoughts that I am a girl. It comes and goes and when it comes I put on some make up and feel better about myself. However I don't crossdress hardly, mainly because I don't have any clothes that'll fit me or not. But when I do now, I don't get turned on by it. Which leads me to think it's more than a fetish.

However I was diagnosed with OCD when I was younger, I was obsessed with handwashing and germs. Now a days my OCD manifests itself in different ways, such as "what sexuality am I?" "Am I actually a girl and in denial?" "What happens when we die?" things like that, mainly focusing on sexuality and gender. And I would spend hours on the internet trying to work out an answer to these questions, usually with no avail. However I've finally worked out I am predominately attracted to women. So figures?

So what the hell do you make of this? Am I trans or is this something that I might have learned?

Please no one just tell me to go see a gender therapist

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. The only one who can truly determine if you are transgender is you and a (yes I saw it) gender therapist will help you explore your feelings. You show all the classic signs that you are transgender and I suspect you might be transsexual. I am going to give you two links to explore and they might help you answer a few questions. The first is our WIKI where you will learn the many variations of transgender. The second links "the transition channel" where you will see a (yes I know) gender therapist who will ask the questions you might hear in therapy. I heard this same set of questions first ask around 35 year ago and they are just as true today as they were then. Feel free to ask me any additional questions you might have.

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[2cherry]

Well, does it bother you? that's one of the key descriptions of having an illness. If you feel female, and it doesn't bother you to feel that you are one, then it's not an illness. If it does bother you, and you feel male but want to be a female, and are afraid of your thoughts and it interferes with your functioning, then it's classified as an illness.

I've got OCD as well, but GID/genderdysphoria often comes with comorbidities where two or more pathological conditions are present. That's just the nature of the brain, because they're somehow related. Most often the amygdala, frontal cortex, brain stem and dopamine/serotonin is involved in almost all pathological conditions. The amygdala is almost always involved, because it regulates our emotions, fears, etc. If something is wrong, it will express in another way, like in OCD, borderline, bipolar, schizophrenia, BID, GID etc... But that doesn't mean that all people with OCD are genderdysphoric. It's just common to "suffer" from multiple conditions, that's just the nature of it. That's the pathological talk, there are other ways of looking at it.

[Gianna2014]

Wow that's alot to digest. First and foremost let me preface this by saying that I am not therapist nor am I going to attempt to act as an arm chair therapist here. What I will tell you is you are not alone and there are many gender variant individuals who also suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, myself included. I understand your reasoning for concern if you are having genuine feelings or if these are intrusive thoughts , but that is not something that can be sorted out via a forum by strangers. You will need to do some real soul searching and find your own truth and I know you said you don't want to see a therapist but as a fellow OCD sufferer I understand the distrust of ones own mind and that is all the more reason to see a therapist. No one can tell you what or who you are. I'm sorry love that's the journey , but always remember no matter what conclusion you find there is a community that fully embraces you in whatever form your gender manifests. Good luck!

[JLT1]

Hi,

It haunted me as well.  I buried this deep, for far to long.

Try dressing and see how you feel.  Go out to an LGBT friendly place and see how you are.  Think about being a woman.  Then, geT on your best guy close and go some place masculine.  See how you feel about yourself. 

You just might be a guy who is questioning.  You might be a crossdresser or gender queen or you might be a woman.  No way for me to know.  It would be best if you knew.

Hugs and welcome to Susan's!

Jen

[Reyes]

Haha, I can't say what the answer will end up being for you, but for a few months I was pretty much trying to convince myself it was just OCD, even made myself believe it, though I'm pretty sure I was faking that, even if I didn't realize it at the time.

But I first realized I might be trans back in November, and I kinda went back and forth on am I, am I not, even came out to my father at one point, felt major panic attacky after that and basically convinced myself, nope not trans, I was wrong, yep.

Never told him that thought, not that it mattered, some how he forgot, I hate him for that, even when I don't want to hate him I do, it's pretty much the reason behind why I'm now so utterly terrified of coming out, and why I pretty much completely believe I'm never going to transition now.

But a month after that I was doing horribly, and then I upped my meds and the feelings went away, and I started going, is it just the depression making me feel this way, and I looked things up, and found people saying how ocd caused them to feel these things, and well y'know, what I said in my first line happened.

But in the end, a couple weeks ago really, so not that long ago at all, I don't really remember how it happened, but I finally I guess realized that I am trans and accepted it kinda, I don't know, but the feelings haven't gone away or tried to flip to no I'm not since so.

[vanderpn]

Hi confusionhauntsme, you are not alone. Formally, I'm on the autism spectrum, but there is a lot of overlap of symptoms of OCD and autism.

I know what you mean about getting preoccupied with gender/sexuality thoughts and. When I first started to think about whether I was transgender or not, I was so focused on it all of the time and obsessed with looking things up online about what it means to be trans and how to determine my identity.

I think that introducing yourself at this community is a great place to start. I've learned here that there are so many diverse experiences and that it's okay if you can't figure out how to label yourself, even though I love labels and categorizing things.

And like Dena said, a therapist indeed might be helpful. If you want to address your OCD tendencies or any other issues you might have, you could always look for a therapist that is lgbt-friendly without specifically being a gender therapist. I've been seeing a therapist for several months now, and in my personal experience, I've found it to be very beneficial.