Okay, I'm not asking for anyone's time here, which seems kind of against the point of this post because I'm writing this big long thing, but over these past few months to a year I've noticed myself progressively coming back to this site less and less. And while I do have these issues on what I believe my gender is, I often find there are bigger things in my life that I worry about more-so than my gender and sexuality. It often gets to the point where I even forget what it is I identify as, because I don't want to identify as anything, because I feel it just weighs me down to think of myself as "oh, I'm a boy" or "oh, I'm a girl" or "oh, i'm neither" or "oh, i'm somewhere in between the two". And yes, I feel like if I identified as androgyne or agender, that's still a way to identify, and I don't want that, simply because should the topic come up I'd have to explain what it is and get called "crazy", or get treated like I'm some sort of sub-human. And when I lurk and browse through these posts, there's just simply nothing that I can do to relate with these people, simply because although I have felt what some of these people felt before - and trust me, it still comes up every here and there - I just feel apathetic towards myself as a female, or male, or something different. I'm not attacking anyone, nor am I trying to say that these conditions don't exist - they obviously do - what I am trying to say is that there just simply isn't enough for me to empathize/sympathize and correctly communicate on this website. Obviously I wish everyone here well on their travels and I hope that they successfully go through with what it is that makes these people happy, but I just can't say I feel the same way and resonate with these people. When I first joined this website, I was so caught up with what I wanted to call myself that I forgot what I truly wanted to pursue in life - rock bands and race car driving - and I completely forgot about other aspects of life and totally focused on this thing that I probably would benefit from just forgetting about, for my mental health and future. Now anyone could say "Well you could be a race car driver and play in a rock band and all that and still be what it is and whatever" but you know what that's money going to hormones and surgery when I could be spending it on car parts and funding the equipment for a band should I choose to start one. And I know it can be said that I don't have to go through the hormones and surgery, but to be honest it just doesn't help because at the end of the day I still have this facial hair growing and I'm still freakishly big to the point where I just look freaky if I tried dressing up or whatever. And I feel guilty, because I'm trying so hard to fit in here and make friends on this site and so far it's been for naught, because I haven't found a place on this site where I can easily drop in to. I also feel guilty because of some unrelated things that I've been feeling, however that's totally unrelated whatsoever even though it's related to sexuality and whatever, and I want to post to talk about it but I feel like if I do it might offend someone or anger someone to the point where it just didn't even help me at all. Whatever, TL;DR: I want to focus more on my career future and less on what it is I want to carry myself out as. I also want to post more about how I feel about some other things but I feel like it doesn't fit here.
