For most of my adult life I've been on something of a cycle, where I'll get really down on myself, question every decision I make and just feel blah. It will sometimes build up to where I'll think of a time in third grade where I called someone a poophead and feel that that makes me this horrible person. Then almost like a switch is flipped I'll feel fine for 7-10 days, have no idea why anything was wrong, and go about my business. Even before I was allowing myself to think that I might be trans I would wonder if maybe I was intersex and that I was having a period, because it is roughly a 3-5 week cycle. I am pretty sure it's trans related because while I still have it and it's still difficult, it's been much better since I've accepted who I am.
My trans feelings also take different shapes, when I'm in my low periods I get the classic dysphoria, I wish I were female, seeing women makes me wish I were them, sadness that even if I do transition and am 100% integrated as a woman that I would still be disconnected due to my past. Whereas, when I'm in my good week I don't really think about it too much, it's more that if I look in the mirror in such a way that I think I look feminine it makes me happy. What's even weirder is when the dysphoria is stronger, my doubts are also stronger, while when I'm in my good period I don't really have any.
I know that there is research that says that increased testosterone can increase dysphoria, I also know that if testosterone levels get above a certain level then the pituitary converts it into estrogen (this is why steroid users will sometimes grow breasts). I'm wondering if that is what's going on with me. Does anyone know of any research on this? Is there some way of measuring your own hormone levels on a regular basis without a medical lab? Has anyone else gone through something like this?
