Umm hello there. I am Aclassi, and I have recently started to come to terms with my gender orientation. At this point I am still a bit unsure on what exactly it is. I am not a girl. I don't know if I am a man, or if I would just prefer non-binary.
I have severe social anxiety, general anxiety, and depression. I've had all of those for a very long time, with the anxiety really hitting full force when I was 14. Since then it has just gotten worse and worse. I am 28, and will be turning 29 next month. When I was 15 I came out to my mother as trans. She was supportive and I did a lot of research over the next 3 years. However, when I turned 18, I got involved in a relationship with a bisexual man that was interested in me because of how I identified. Losing my virginity to him made me stop believing I was transgender, telling myself that if I enjoyed regular old heterosexual sex with a guy, while I was a girl, then I was wrong.
I went along with my life, identifying as a bisexual cis female. I got married to my husband in 2009. We have been married for almost 7 and a half years. We have two children. A girl, and a boy, ages 5 and 6.
Very recently my feelings of being gender queer have come back. I am not happy with my body. I am finding myself severely jealous of men with good physiques, and find myself wanting that for me. I long to have that kind of body, and have this immense drive to make it happen. I say that I don't know if I am a man, or non-binary because I know society would see several of the things I do and like, to be female related.
I do not want bottom surgery. I do want top surgery. I do want to take T. I do want facial hair. I want to change as much as I can!
Coming to these forums is a huge step for me. I haven't told anyone about how I am feeling, but it is getting to the point where I feel like am burning up inside. I cried today, because I am scared. I am scared that my cis heterosexual husband is going to leave me. I am scared that my kids will never understand, and will be rejected because of me. I don't know what to do.
Since this is just my introduction, I will open up another thread on these forums for support. I hope that is okay.
Thank you.
