Hello,
This is my first posting here. I hope that you're patient with my long text, and excuse my language mistakes (my native language is not English).
First of all: I'm ~ 30, transgender, and non-binary. It took quite long to discover that, and also quite long to accept and actually live it. I won't go into my past too much, but basically, I was raised as a boy (and socialized quite masculine), and didn't question that until I was ~ 2x. Then I began feeling an increasing discontentment with my (luckily not too) male body, as well as with my assigned masculine gender role. However, I did not feel to be "trapped in a wrong body", but just strong unhappyness with my masculine appearance (not necessarily my primary genitals – I don't like them, but I guess I can deal with that). So I began to think about things like gender and sex, began psychotherapy, changed my name to a gender-neutral one and later, made some body modifications (hair removal, HRT, voice training). Those modifications have very positive effects, and with my now more female body (and my gender-neutral name), I feel
much better than before. Almost a human
However, I still don't identify as a trans-woman or (transsexual) woman for various reasons. In a binary system, I'd rather like to be seen as a woman than a man, but I'll never be a "real" woman and I don't aim to be one. I like my genes/chromosomes, I accept my history and socialisation (no need to make up stories about my "hidden girlyness" in childhood), I can't bear children, I don't like the idea of "switching" something (because I consider myself to be always changing, but constant in
being), I don't like "feminine" style (personally, I even don't find it attractive for such-identifying women) and prefer androgynous outfits (nail polish and little make up is ok
). Also, I'm working in a technical ( = sexist, as I had to find out) environment and I don't have a problem with being interested in technology. All in all, I neither want to "live as a man", nor to "live as a woman", and I don't even know what that should mean (although it's part of many psychiatric definitions etc.). I identify as a human being with feminine and masculine traits as well as male and female body properties. My gender role is non-conforming.
So much about the history and the good part. But now there's a problem:
For me, it seems impossible to live (and being recognized and respected) as a non-binary on this world.Positive experiences:
- The only non-expert person who accepts my identity is my boyfriend. (Love him very much.
) He's the biggest source of support for me, but of course I don't want to burden him all the responsibility of being supportive. - My psychotherapist was also very supportive and helped me to accept who I am. My voice coach has experience with transgender persons and is also very helping.
- Occasionally, there seem to be people who are OK with the idea that non-binary people exist and deserve to be respected as huming beings. However, I'm not near to those people.
- At some (very rare) occasions, I have been gendered as a woman by strangers. It made me happy every time (because I know that people are not able to understand non-binary, and being read as woman is at least a sign of seeing my female/feminine side).
Negative experiences: Basically, all other.
- My experience with psychiatry (two talks with different people, required to get the evaluation for HRT) was very negative. I told them the truth and they doubted that I'm "really" transgender. I had to convince them that I'm responsible for my own body. It worked, but it was absolutely not helpful to have "experts" denying my identity.
- I always had a basic trust into the state, legal system and politics. However, the fact that non-binary people officially don't exist (there's only male and female in all laws, documents etc.), and that there are strong political forces which work against anything related to this topic, made me lose a big part of this basic trust.
- I have told my close friends about it. They're male (and used to sexist behaviors like automatically assuming that everyone working in a technology branch is a "he"), and their reaction was at best neutral. Although I have explicitly said (which is very difficult for me) that I don't like to be seen as male and referred to as "he", there are no signs that this is being respected. It hurts me that people who I have expected to be supportive (because that's what you do in friendships) are people I have to "fight against" to be respected.
- I have told my parents about it. Same thing: neutral reactions, but no signs that my identity is being respected. He, his, better you use the man's washroom, and you look so good, just like <insert male person here>.
- I'm in the lucky situation of working rather alone. When there are customers or colleages, I'm of course always addressed as a "he" (which is also an automatic conclusion because of course there are only men in IT).
- Maybe worst of all: I have registered in a local transgender forum and tried to find similar people. However, almost all people there are binary transgender and (as I see it) don't understand what it means to be non-binary. It was not helpful, but rather depressing for me to see other transgender people heavily advocating binary gender thinking, just because they're happy with having transitioned from "one" to "the other". It makes me really feel that I'm alone, so I'm giving it a new try here.
My current problem:
How can I ever hope to be respected (which includes not being addressed by masculine pronouns, maybe even be understood in being non-binary) by friends, parents, people I have to work with, maybe even "the society"? I really feel disconnected from the world: my identity is just not there, most people don't understand it, and they don't want to understand it. Language is full of binary terms and gender roles (amongst "normal" sexism), and people defend those by heart. Almost every activity that you can do (reading a newspaper article or communicating with people) reminds me of that I'm an alien, that there are only women and men.
I really don't see any options here, which makes me really hopeless.
- Basically, I can just continue fighting. Maybe it's possible to convince some friends or people that I actually am who I am, but most people won't accept it. I may convince some people to refer to me as a woman, but most will continue to see me as a man forever. And I'm not a man, so this hurts me every time.
- I can try to change my legal gender to female. I don't know what effects this would have. I guess there would be positive effects (people trust the legal gender in a very strong way for some reason), but I'm afraid because most (?) people read me as male (and stare at my breasts at the same time), and this cause more problems that it would solve.
- I have developed a distrust against people, because I expect to be misgendered and not respected even if I explain myself. This is quite hindering for finding new people and maybe friends, but at the same time, I think the fear is well-founded.
- And of course, there's no hope that non-binary people will ever be accepted in society or language. There are men and women, and this won't change. It's not possible that other people I talk with will not automatically categorize me as man or woman.
So... what can I do?
What are your strategies to find enough hope and strength to live your daily live?Would be happy to read your opinions (they don't have to be as lengthy as my posting
).
Mod Edit:Language
