Back on anti-depressants

[Asche]

I finally decided that the anxiety I was experiencing (as described in lurid detail in some of my recent posts) was beginning to affect my ability to function, so I started up anti-depressants again.

It feels a little like giving up, because anti-depressants deaden my emotions, and the point of the journey I'm on is to get more in touch with my Self, and to do that, I have to allow myself to experience my emotions.  This time around, I'm taking the smallest dose pill that I was prescribed and cutting it in half.  I've been on that dose for a few days (it's Wellbutrin, which acts pretty fast), and I definitely feel some deadening of emotions.  But I also notice that I can actually make plans for the day and carry most of them out, which my anxiety was sometimes preventing.

I think the anxiety and despair I feel when I'm off them is really what I was feeling some 50 years ago, during my "hell years," so it's important for me to be able to feel them.  Deadening them is a kind of running away, which allows them to remain buried but active the way they've been for half a century.

One step forward, two steps back, I guess....

[Satinjoy]

Safety first.

You aren't going to be much good if you are debilitated by fear.  I do know how that feels by the way, and I did not take the antidepressants.  It got darn close to big trouble a few times.

Personal choice, heard good things about Welbutrin, but having lost a few friends this year to suicide and overdose, seems to me you made a smart move here.

You can always pull out of them later when you aren't quite as vulnerable.

Isn't a game, being trans, is it.

Unless its high stakes poker and we are betting out lives in it going "all in".  Even on a stealth transition the stake are darned high.

So, yeah, hope you feel good about your choice.  Seems smart to me.

SJ.

[kj2016]

Hello.

You might want to talk to your doctor about trying a different anti-depressant. I know from personal experience there are lots of options for treating anxiety so you might be able to find a med that doesn't deaden your emotions.
Good luck!

[IdontEven]

Are you going to a GP or a psych? My psych, who I'm moving away from for various reasons, told me the Wellbutrin I've been on for ~6 months could make the anxiety worse. Personally, I blame it for causing some of the other well known side-effects that anti-depressants can have, though my duration on it has matched my HRT, so it's hard to say exactly what's what.

Even if it deadens emotions a bit, that can still buy you time to process things at a rate you can handle. I wouldn't view it as giving up, just slowing down a bit. It can be difficult to just sit with really intense emotions and be able to move on with your day. One piece of advice I was given recently is that fighting them and trying to control them just makes them more substantial.

So now I try to just let them happen - I don't try to fight them, and I try to recognize that there's no need to get desperate to make them go away, they will pass. That can be really hard to remember in the moment though; I try to make decisions while I'm still calm about how I will handle things the next time I get really worked up and not thinking so clearly.

It remains incredibly difficult to function as a normal person in such a state though, so...do what ya gotta do :p

And don't feel bad about it!

[Asche]

The anti-depressants don't seem to be helping.

I've been still having anxiety attacks, like yesterday early morning, but what really set me off was discovering that I needed my birth certificate for the name change, and it'll take 2-4 weeks to get a fresh copy (the one I think I used to have seems to be lost or mislaid), and there are a few other possible hiccups and I'm in a complete tizzy.  (Panic attack?)  I don't think that was actually the cause of my attack, just the trigger, because I've been having them on and off for a while.  Anyway, I am utterly exhausted from the anxiety.

I've made an appointment with my psychiatrist, maybe I need some meds for anxiety rather than depression.  I'll be seeing my therapist tonight, too.

[IdontEven]

Sounds like a good plan to me! Panic attacks suck.

And don't worry about the BC thing if you can help it, 4 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme

[Asche]

I continued to have anxiety attacks, to the point that I sometimes feel like I'm having trouble breathing (although I don't actually have trouble breathing, I just feel like I do), so I went back to my psychiatrist.  He said the anti-depressants I had been taking (bupropion -- "Welbutrin") are actually bad for anxiety, and prescribed a different medication, but said it might take a week or two to work.

Oh, and a friend of mine suggested I actually call the office that has my birth record and ask whether having the wrong hospital will screw things up, and they said no.  So, hopefully I'll get the copy in time to submit the petition this month (so it will be sure to be done before the end of the year.)

I'm going "Whew!  Once again, I made it across the Grand Canyon on a tightrope with no net and didn't fall and die."

[RobynD]

It's good to understand all the med options for sure in consultation with your doctor. I have taken bupropion (Wellbutrin) for years and it is a pretty good med with a pretty good track record. Anxiety for me continued under it but it did lesson as did the depression. Ultimately estrogen was the magic that put both of those to rest, to the extent i wonder if i should still take the bupropion, but the doc says, better not mess with that.

I know anxiety and panic, so i truly feel for you and hope that soon it be a thing of the past.

[Arch]

I admire you for going back on meds when you needed to, even if Wellbutrin wasn't the right stuff. It's not giving up; you just need a little extra help right now.

[takloo2]

I personally have not experienced being numb on antidepressants except for zoloft, but have you tried many anti-depressants? I don't really know maybe some people are just pre-disposed to feel such a way on medication but I find prozac works well for me. It's not giving up/giving in, some people need them to function, it's unfortunate but it doesn't make you weak or anything. Hope you feel better soon, but maybe there's a different answer to it than medication, I found exposure therapy helped.