From my earliest memories from preschool when I learned quickly that playing with certain (girls) toys there would be consequences I knew I was different. I live in the accepting and tolerant Salt Lake valley (insert sarcasm) and yes I am a Mormon. When I was young I was frequently told, I look like a girl, I run like a girl, I talk like a girl. I went to every effort to purge all femininity just out of pure survival. I did all the things that my culture told me would bring happiness. By 14 I earned an Eagle Scout and 72 merit badges. Tried to be the perfect Mormon boy. Served a mission for the church in Europe. Got married in the Salt Lake Temple. Etc. I was told it would bring me joy. In many ways it did. But there was a very dark side I kept hidden. I was very good at hiding. Only was caught once by my mother and father. They tried to ignore it. That was how they handled every crisis. Sweep it under the rug and pretend it doesn't exist.
Fast forward. My wife and I were getting ready for a trip to the Carribbean for our 20th anniversary. She goes looking for a suitcase and found one. The wrong one. The one that contained my horrible secret. I am not good at lying so I didn't try. Shaking with fear I told her everything. She was devastated. We went on the trip anyway. That week alone with her did wonders in calming her fear. I told her I would go to counseling. She thought I could be cured. There is only one cure. She didn't know that and I did not tell her. She came to a few sessions with me but any talk of gender issues freaked her out. She even threw up once. I stopped asking her to come.
That was 7 years ago. I have been on a low dose of estrogen since then to help manage my dysphoria. It has worked. But I never would have guessed how addictive estrogen is. I have tried to stop taking it. I can't. This is someone who quit a hard core pain killer addiction cold turkey. Estrogen tricked me. It convinced me it could help me manage my dysphoria so I could remain a husband to my wife that I love more intensely than you can imagine. It lied to me that I would be able to remain a father to my 3 children who look at me as the Alpha male that isn't afraid of anything. Instead, while it was feeding me those lies, the estrogen was quietly finishing the feminization of my brain that has began when I was a baby. My 80% female brain (I was tested) was slowly, surely becoming 100% female and I was powerless to stop it. I even tryed taking Testosterone to try to get it back. T just made me angry and pissy all the time. Gave me near constant errections that nearly drove me insane. So there you have it. My brain is now fully feminized. I won't lie. There are many things I love! Love! Love! About it. Crying because a Taco Bell commercial came on isn't one of them.
Estrogen pulled a fast one on me. It finished the job. Now dysphoria isn't only not manageable with a low dose. It is unbearable. I haven't been this suicidal since when puberty hit. Did I mention that even a very low dose I now fill a 38b just fine. It sneaks up on you. I cannot go shirtless anymore. Bra's are not just a cute thing to wear anymore. They are a necessity. So last weekend, after a trip to my therapist I decided to cave. I am fighting a losing battle. Within the next few months I will scrape together the money for the non refundable $1000 Dr. Bowers requires to get on her 3 year waiting list. Last Saturday I filled my syring with a full dose for the first time. Stuck that needle in my butt and pushed down the plunger and doubled my blocker dose. (I do not self medicate. I do this under a Dr.s supervision.). My wife will be so hurt by this. It kills me to be the source of her pain. I love her so much. But what she doesn't understand is this is not a choice. No more than eating not a choice. Eventually you have to eat or die. So cheers to the first day of my new life. I know it is going to be a rough ride but I feel a hope for happiness again I thought was lost. Love you all.
